August 02, 2010

Built like a sack of laundry

Yes, I'm looking forward to this. AND YES, I DID LIKE THE FRIDAY MOVIES.


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July 14, 2010

meine Gebete sind beantwortet worden!

Come on... I can't have been the only one curious as to what Hitler would think about Deepwater Horizon.

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June 15, 2010

So, what replaces Twitter?

Patton Oswalt decided to set up a Twitter account. He's also committed to join whatever replaces it and was nice enough to post some of his predictions for services that stand a chance of being Twitter 2.0:

BlipBlap: Basically Twitter, but only 17 characters allowed, and no vowels. Xclnt!

Wh1ff: The first-ever "scent site" -- you update your status from an "odor board" of 170 different scents. "(Snnnnnnfff) Patton had chili for lunch and he's somewhere humid."

DanzaQuip: Every single status update on this site is first sent to Tony Danza's personal e-mail. He then decides which ones to post, and is the only one who can respond or comment. (*This site will replace the U.S. Post Office in 2027)

I leave you with one of his bits from the 90's that will sing to you if you (like me) grew up watching Bob Ross and Wm. Alexander on PBS...

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May 23, 2010

Don't Cluck For Me Nevada

Not if you're within 100 feet of a polling place, that is.

Voters dressed in chicken costumes won't be allowed inside Nevada polling places this year.

State election officials on Friday added chicken suits to the list of banned items after weeks of ridicule directed at Republican Senate candidate Sue Lowden.

The millionaire casino executive and former beauty queen recently suggested that people barter with doctors for medical care, like when "our grandparents would bring a chicken to the doctor."

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May 16, 2010

Palin to 'write' new book

While I would title it 'The Grifter', Sarah Palin has decided to name her new book 'AssMonkey'. No. Wait. That's not right. Oh, yeah, she's calling it 'Blah. Flags. Words 'n Shit. Jesus. Burp'.

Sarah Palin is writing another book titled America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag. It will be a "compendium of items that inspire Palin: speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, 'even some of her favorite songs and movies,' as well as portraits of some "extraordinary men and women she admires," according to the prospectus released today by publisher Harper Collins.

Click the link and see what the commenters think will be some of the key points. As for Team McBlogger, we'll be releasing our own book in the fall. It's going to be a compendium (love them 50 cent words, Missus Pain) of things, people and places that piss us off. It'll also contain some amazing things that we think are really gross and/or titillating.

We know, it makes you tingle in your special place.

Posted by mcblogger at 05:41 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 24, 2010

Whine on, executives

It's long been an article of faith that executive pay, which has been growing at a breathtaking clip over the last 30 years, is earned (deserved, even!) because only these people are uniquely talented and able to do this job. Without them, our nations firms would all collapse.

As we all know from the last 4 years, that's wasn't so much right. And when the federal pay czar, Ken Feinberg, decided to implement pay limits at companies that received federal money, we thought this was not only a brill idea, we actually waited for the indignant flood of incompetents who would flood out of the companies, only to be replaced by people a whole lot cheaper.

As it turns out, that didn't happen.

“For months, Wall Street banks and the troubled automakers feverishly protested that their top executives would flee if they were not lavishly rewarded for their talents. New data, however, suggests the departures were more of a trickle than a flood.

Of the 104 senior executives whose pay was set by the federal pay regulator in the last two years, 88 executives, or nearly 85 percent, are still with the companies even though their pay was drastically cut back, according to people briefed on the government data.

The relative stability, at least within the executive suite, suggests that a soft job market, corporate loyalty and personal pride helped deter the feared management exodus at the companies hardest hit by the pay rules.”

I'm tired of lousy, overpaid, petulant management. Rise with me, fellow shareholders, and let's ask Ken Feinberg to serve on compensation committees for companies all over the US.

Posted by mcblogger at 08:48 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 23, 2010

PSA : Keeping ones mouth shut

Everyone LOVES to brag about their accomplishments. Whether it's something as meaningless as finally gaining the ability to practice law in Texas or as inspiring as making the perfect waffle, people want to share what they're doing and what they're particularly good out.

Even the skeeziest ho will tell you tales, even if you don't ask them, of their sexual talents and how often they've used them. So, yeah, it's human nature to brag, especially about how well you're doing in business. However, even the most inept lawyer would advise their master criminal clients not to, you know, GO ON TV AND SHARE DETAILS OF THEIR CRIMES.

The San Marcos husband and wife, who went on the popular show and trumpeted their moneymaking scheme of shoplifting toys and reselling them on the Internet, were sentenced to prison yesterday by a federal judge.

And Dr. Phil McGraw didn’t get off too easy, either.

District Judge Irma Gonzalez sentenced Matthew Eaton, 34, to 27 months in prison — one year more than prosecutors with the U.S. Attorney’s Office thought was sufficient punishment.

Nora Eaton, 27, was sentenced to one year and one day in custody.

Gonzalez had little sympathy for Matthew Eaton, calling his conduct in running the scheme over two years “despicable.”

But first she went off on McGraw, the TV psychologist who dispenses help on his syndicated show with such catchphrases as the sharp “Get real!” the disdainful “How’s that working for you?” and the unusual “Did you fall out of the dumb tree?”

“What a charlatan this man is,” the judge said during the hearing. “What a terrible, terrible man.”

Gonzalez was perturbed that McGraw holds himself out as a doctor wishing to help. But, the judge said to Matthew Eaton, “he obviously didn’t help you.”

Matthew Eaton’s lawyer said the couple went on the show seeking help for their chronic shoplifting problem. On the program, however, they came across as bragging about their exploits and not appearing particularly troubled.

Instead of helping them, producers egged them on to exaggerate their cases, said defense lawyer Leila Morgan. And the only help they got was free copies of McGraw’s books, she said.

The show was broadcast in November 2008 and, perhaps not surprisingly, it caught the attention of federal law enforcement. A search of the couple’s home in March 2009 revealed about 500 boxes of toys awaiting shipment.

My favorite part was Judge Gonzalez dressing down Dr. Phil who richly deserves it. Thank you, Oprah, for sharing Dr. Phil with the whole world.

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March 20, 2010

Fake Uggs and Your Feet

If you were thinking that you loved the look of the Uggs but not the price of the real thing, you may be considering some lookalikes that are every bit as ugly as the original.

Turns out, they do some nasty things to your feet. No, they don't go all Dick Morris on them but they can cripple you.

Squeezing into killer heels, many women are happy to endure a little pain in the name of fashion.

But medical experts have warned that the trend for cheap Ugg boots is a price too high to pay.

They have said that knock-off versions of the designer boots are crippling a generation of young women, 'literally breaking' their feet.

With just six months of wear women could saddle themselves with a lifetime of foot deformities, backache and pain in their feet.

If you must know, it was the use of the word 'crippling' that really got me.

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February 19, 2010

Tiger Woods : My thoughts

This has to be the worst press conference I've ever seen and he's hella lame... why not just come out and say "yeah, I got my dick sucked. You're just mad because you didn't'.

Things I didn't know...

1) Tiger is Buddhist. That's going to sit well with the evangelicals

2) Tiger has been at a treatment facility... for having an affair. WTF?!?!

3) Someone accused Tiger of being on 'performance enhancing drugs'. Anyone got a clue which drugs enhance your performance when playing golf? Aside from Coors Light?

4) "I hope one day you'll believe in me again." UGH... did anyone REALLY believe in Tiger Woods?

At the very least, I'm thrilled the wife wasn't up there with him... really happy we don't have yet another damn picture of 'the little woman standing by her man'. Personally, I LOVED that she went after him.

Posted by mcblogger at 11:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 27, 2010

You keep being AWESOME, Ozzy

"Other people's memories of the stuff in this book might not be the same as mine. I ain't gonna argue with 'em. Over the past 40 years I've been loaded on booze, coke, acid, Quaaludes, glue, cough mixture, heroin, Rohypnol, Klonopin, Vicodin, and too many other heavy-duty substances to list in this footnote. On more than a few occasions I was on all of those at the same time."

Ozzy Osborne in the forward to his new autobiography, I AM OZZY.

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December 17, 2009

Glenn Beck's Christmas Sweater REVIEWED!

PhotobucketThis is, hands down, the best review I've yet seen of Glenn Beck's Christmas Sweater. Even if you're not familiar with the story or Glenn Beck, it's well worth the read!

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December 15, 2009

Why I parted ways with the right...

It takes some folks a little longer than others to realize that today's Republican party is kinda, well, fucktard crazy. I got it in 2000, this guy just got it recently. But it least he got it. Welcome, friend!

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December 07, 2009

Who's more American?

Who represents the quintessential American woman more, MoDo or Sarah Palin? My money is on MoDo... no one cares any more about critter cooking rural politicians from Alaska.

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November 24, 2009

Hangin' like my nuts...

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November 17, 2009

It's a sad day when loathesome people don't die

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

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November 16, 2009

Oh, you really do belong together!

Here is a collection of some of the worst engagement photos ever taken. It IS true, there's someone out there for everyone.

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November 14, 2009

This Week In Lawyerin' : A brief vacation

Writing this week's installment of This Week In Lawyerin' is as serendipitous and effortless as it gets. This week's installment is quite literally "low hanging fruit." A banana to be precise. (Probably a couple of plums in there, too, but that's not really the focus of the story)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Albert Freed, a man who has sued because his Hanes underwear allegedly injured his schlong. You see folks, it seems that Mr. and Mrs. Freed went on a Hawaiian vacation. To commemorate this most auspicious occasion, Mrs. Freed bought Mr. Freed a new pair of undies. The trouble was, the fly on that sucker apparently opened right up and little Albert was, indeed, Freed. This led to much chafing, to the point that Mr. Freed was in debilitating pain. Or just enough pain, anyway, that he complained about it only after gallavanting in Hawaii for two long weeks. Then sued Hanes for making defective drawers.

There was plenty about the plaintiff's case that one might find flummoxing. By Day 2 of the trip, Albert Freed says he was hurting something awful but didn't say anything because he didn't want to ruin the wifey's vacation and because he was excited about the vacation himself. (Excited about something, the evidence would show!)

There are a few different options available to somebody in such a predicament, including [a] putting on different underwear; [b] self-inspection to assess the problem; [c] inspection by another party to assess the problem; [d] adjusting oneself from time to time; [e] going commando in a grass skirt - remember, this is Hawaii.

Mr. Freed chose none of these options. It seems he and Mrs. Freed are rather shy around one another so he couldn't very well enlist her help (could lead to nudity...that, and they were both afraid the other might have cooties). It also seems Mr. Freed has an official medical diagnosis of Dickey-Do. That is, his gut sticks out farther than his dickey do, so he couldn't even look down to ascertain his own protrusion. Another option would have been looking in the mirror, which Freed said he declined to do "just 'cuz." That's a polite, coy way of explaining that if you deliberately look at yourself naked, then it would make you a gay.

Well, long story short, the court wasn't buyin' what Mr. Freed was sellin' and poured him out - which is legalese for telling a plaintiff he might want some cheese with that whine.Download decision here.

Pretty entertaining, huh? I really kinda feel like stopping here and not offering any legal commentary. Seems like it would just screw up the beauty of the story. Then again, I've got a word quota to meet. So here's your insightful expert legal analysis, rapid-fire style:
[1] This case is a real head-scratcher.
[2] Who was the expert witness, Inspector 12?
[3] Imagine showing up for jury duty and having to answer those kinds of questions in voir dire!
[4] Under common law principles of negligence, Hanes only owes a legal duty if the injury was reasonably foreskin- er, foreseeable.
[5] How awesome is it that the plaintiff is named Albert Freed and the case is about his johnson freeing itself ? Come on!
[6] If this case is appealed, there will be briefs about briefs (kinda phoned that one in, right?)
[7] The court's entire written opinion might be dismissed as mere dicta.
[8] How can the court rule on this case and not once cite the Penal Code ?!?

OK, that's enough on one case. Tune in next week. Or whenever there's more lawyerin' to write about.

Posted by hbalczak at 03:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 13, 2009

Channeling Glen Beck

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The 11/3 Project
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Crisis

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October 10, 2009

Not the most terrible idea...

... but I'm sure Captain Kroc will hate it.

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September 08, 2009

McBlogger? No... I'm Walter Mugabe now.

I know it's been a while since the birther garbage dried up, but I've had this tab open with this AWESOME website and I just had to post it. Now you, me and everyone we know can have a Kenyan birth certificate just like the fake one the birther's made for President Obama!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go indoctrinate some children by making them read Obama's Five Parables, the latest in a series of tracts that will familiarize the young with BarackObamaThought and prepare them for Great Leader's speech today. After which they will return to their conservative parents... and kill them all!

Posted by mcblogger at 09:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 27, 2009

This is kind of awesome

Giggle Party's "Jason Bought A Hatchet" from Jason Reichl on Vimeo.

See more here...

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August 21, 2009

It's Larry Kudlow's coke use that makes it art

This is how the CNBC homepage should look.

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August 18, 2009

Asking for a little help

From one of the funniest sites I've been to in a while...

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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August 11, 2009

Sweet dreams, kids!

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Hope your teddy bears don't bite!

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August 05, 2009

Oh, this is just shocking. No. Really, it's very surprising.

According to research, more than a third of all pay in the United States goes exclusively to executives and certain highly paid managers. As a shareholder who's been bled dry by overpaid and incompetent management teams for years, this came as a huge shock.

How to fix? Easy. Implement an 80% tax on the salaries of executives and management at any company that pays those people more than 10 times what the lowest paid worker makes. And apply it to contractors as well.

Oh, and you should probably give tax breaks to those companies whose lowest paid employees make more than 2 times the regional poverty level.

The bottom line is that as a shareholder I am enriching a largely worthless managerial class that does nothing for me and who are impoverishing the working and middle classes who are the backbone of a strong economy. The same people who create the underlying foundation for the success of the companies in which I have a stake. Needless to say, the best way for me to maximize earnings is to cap management and executive salaries and increase worker salaries.

It's better for overall economic growth and the success of the country. Not to mention that better paid workers are more productive workers. And make me more money.

Posted by mcblogger at 04:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 27, 2009

Rewriting Palin

The lovely people over at Vanity Fair took Sarah Palin's 'You won't have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore' speech and, well, edited it. Into a seriously good speech. Which makes me REALLY happy they aren't Republican speechwriters.

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July 22, 2009

TTF is on the book!


Seriously, don't y'all think the Texas Testosterone Festival would be more appropriately named the FUCK YEAH FEST? Maybe followed with a fist pump into the air and screaming STEVE HOLT?

Posted by mcblogger at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 20, 2009

Our Energy Future

This is kind of amateur hour, but it's still an interesting read, especially as we come ever closer to the steady decline of oil production globally. The thing that gets me about this is that it misses two important things...

1) Biofuels, especially in currently non-agriculturally productive land
2) Batteries. As someone in the comments noted, the author forgot, well, advanced batteries

Honestly, I get a real laugh out of pieces like this written as if the only tech we'll have access to is that which is available today. Yes, we need to plan for the future but we also need to plan advancement and invest in research. Planning like this would have led us to abandon the internal combustion engine in the 1890's in favor of steam engines.

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July 19, 2009

If You Love It, Set It Free...

if it comes back, yadda yadda. Yeah, so I only posted about 3 times before I pussied out, but I'm back. Get ready to be entertained.

So here's the dealio. I have six dogs. (Yeah, I know.) They are not show dogs or champion dogs or handbag accessory dogs or dogs that I breed for fun and profit. They are cast off, thrown away, dumped-on-the-side-of-the-road retard dogs. But I love 'em and as a result of this doggie love, I let them all sleep in the bedroom with me and Krispy Dude on their little Costco doggie beds, surrounding my bed. It's a fricking minefield and I DO NOT get up to pee in the middle of the night because someone will get a foot in the head or worse.

The dog who sleeps next to my side of the bed, at the head of the bed, sits at the top of Mount Retard. There is something seriously wrong with this dog, but she is a badass Doberman, so she gets points for that.

Several nights ago, Badass Doberman woke me up at around 4:00 a.m., scratching and clawing and rummaging her snoot around in the middle of her doggie bed like the fricking thing was full of bees or something. Not wanting to wake Krispy Dude, I grabbed my little book light and started shining it on Badass Doberman's bed to see what the hell...

Turns out, Badass had a tiny case of the farts and accidentally let loose a little dry turd that was parked in the middle of her bed. While I'm watching her with my little book light (imagine that scene), she's using her nose to try to roll that turd up out of the middle of her bed and off it so she doesn't have to sleep in her own crap. When the nose thing fails, she picks up Mr. Turd in her mouth, but even a retard recognizes shit and she promptly spits that baby right back from whence it came. So, then the nose thing starts again. The turd gets rolled almost to the edge of her bed, then Badass loses it and it rolls back to the middle again. Then we do the mouth thing followed quickly by the "Yikes! That's shit!" thing, then the sisyphean nose thing--over and over again.

How long this lasts I have no idea, but I'm laughing my ass off at poor old Badass until I finally get sleepy and take pity on her. I picked up doody ball with a wad of bedside Kleenex and flushed it. Yes, I did have to brave the minefield of sleeping dogs, but what the hell else was I gonna do with that little raggedy ass turd that had been rolled so much it was smooth as a marble?

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July 17, 2009

McBlogger presents...

... things to say during sex...


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July 15, 2009

Accountability and Apologies

PhotobucketZack Parsons over at Something Awful did an amazing thing when he wrote this article apologizing for the part that SA had played in being part of the 'mean media' that forced Governor Palin (who, it turns out, was a counting newscaster) to resign.

Sarah Palin, I would like to personally take this opportunity to apologize for Something Awful's role in your decision to step down. Over the years we have produced millions of words of left-wing hatred for innocent teenage daughters and children with disabilities. We hired a hockey-playing ne'er do well claiming to be Trig's father to write articles in which he describes crossing the sex line with most of your family. I am so sorry for letting that monster have a column here.

I would also like to apologize for the dozens of Photoshopped pictures of you and Trig on our forums. I know that of all of our hate content, these upset you in particular. You aren't the first governor to resign because of a mean Photoshop and I am certain you will not be the the last. I hope you can find it in your Christian heart to forgive us for making light of Trig's disability. I completely agree with what you said in your speech today: The world needs more Trigs.

You hear that, pregnant women of the world? The bar is officially open.

I'm sure it will come as no surprise that some of Palin's supporters took the apology the wrong way. So Parsons', being the man he is, answered them. And yeah, it's worth reading the whole thing.

You are and inspiration to us all, Zack Parsons.

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July 13, 2009

We all love conspiracy theories...

...and here are some really stupid ones that people think control the world.

H/T to Adam @ TWM

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July 12, 2009

Has this ever happened to you?

No, this isn't me advocating for what I'm sure will be an unparalleled clusterfuck of a browser. But you gotta admit this is a good ad.

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July 08, 2009

Really? You want that on your body?


The write up was the best part...

The day I saw that video of the Dramatic Gopher (or whatever it was called), I also saw a t-shirt for sale featuring the likeness of said intense rodent. And I thought Look at these idiots, putting all their eggs in a fad basket that will last five seconds tops. I hope they didn’t print too many of these things, because you can’t bank on every stupid, flash-in-the pan Internet meme that comes along. Some things just don’t last long enough to sustain merchandising.

This person bought that shirt.

You know there is someone out there with a tat of the receiver.

Posted by mcblogger at 03:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 07, 2009

Promoting some harmony...

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July 04, 2009

Looking for a pet?

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It's the pic juxtaposed with the dog's name that really makes it art, no?

Happy Independence Day everyone!

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July 01, 2009

I love ice cream treats!

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June 26, 2009

The Phone Call : The Real Housewives of NJ

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June 24, 2009

Thank you, Congress and Mr. President

As a shareholder in Altria, I was THRILLED that Congress passed and the President signed the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act. Bringing cigarettes under the control of the FDA is a positive step... and it's one that will lock in the advantage that Altria already enjoys in the market. So, yeah, I'm happy about that.

I'm also happy that built into this bill is ban on clove cigarettes, which I hate.

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Posted by mcblogger at 11:33 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 15, 2009

Hey, Dave, grow a pair!

I stopped watching late night TV years ago, mostly because I started drinking during the evening. When David Letterman first moved to CBS he was still edgy and quite funny. However, he got kinda tamed down by CBS S&P and after a while I just lost interest. Last week, upon hearing that he was making fun of the Palin's, I thought maybe he might be worth another shot.

And then I saw this.

Come on, Dave... these people are a goddamn national joke and an embarrassment to the Republican Party. If they were anywhere other than Alaska, they'd be living in a fucking trailer park. Even though you accidentally made the joke about the younger kid, it was still funny and, frankly, these morons don't deserve an apology. If Governor Palin was a Democrat, the Republicans would have been saying far worse about her for years.

Fuck that cretinous bitch. And FUCK Senator McCain for ever bringing this woman and her brood into the national spotlight.

Dave, grow some fucking balls.

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June 12, 2009

Yahoo Answers Suckage

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June 04, 2009

I may not know art, but I know what I like...

I'm a huge fan of impressionism and expressionism (odd, isn't it?), but not so much of surrealism when it comes to art. But what really turns me on, what really gets me going, is a work of art like this...
bad pic of obama.jpg

See more here...

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June 02, 2009

Fashion! A few (mercifully) brief thoughts

It took me 20 whole minutes, but I went through the June/July 2009 issue of Details which appeared in my mailbox Monday afternoon. My notes...

1) Skinny Jeans. We discussed this THREE YEARS AGO and, according to Details, they are still essential to any mans wardrobe. Except that most (but not all) of the people I know who wear them are, well, kinda detestable d-bags. With chicken legs. Just sayin'.

One other thing regarding tight pants... some of you people stink. And you KNOW what I'm talking about. Wearing these too tight jeans will make your cock and balls smell like gorgonzola. Too much sweat and too little air are a 'scrip for a disastrous sexual experience in which I leave, while screaming that your junk smells like the cheese counter at Whole Foods.

2) Madras. Seriously? FUCKING MADRAS? Why is it that every summer the fashionists tell us that madras is coming back? Did it go some where? I've had a pair of madras shorts every single summer since I'm 2, even though I only wear them occasionally now. It's a classic. It doesn't go away and it wasn't recently 'rediscovered' by Gitman Bros. Fuckers saw me wearing a pair from the Gap.

3) Seersucker. See #2 except this time it's not Gitman but Etro and Hickey Freeman (love your suits, but your cas shit is, well, shit).

4) Gingham. Well, you got me there. And they are right, avoid the blue and the red like the goddamn plague lest you look like you're running up your own shirts from tablecloths.

5) White suits (pg 52). Oh, motherfucker. And why the hell is the cut around the torso so extreme... it's putting less of an emphasis on the taper from the shoulders to the waist and accentuating the womanly hips some of those guys have. Which I guess is nice if you want to look like the kind of guy who can shit out a nine pound kid and be back at work the next day.

6) Backpacks. Whadup, yo.

7) Remember trashcan punch? The noxious mix of High C, Vodka, Everclear and fruit chunks served in a giant stainless vat at high school and college parties? Apparently, it's back but dressed up by a real bartender (not that creepy guy whose older brother could score the booze), served in a carafe and made with more top shelf fare.

But, sadly, it still tastes like punch though maybe not as corn syrupy. I'll leave this for the 'summer is all about blender drinks' crowd and stick with G&T which I'll be switching to in a few short days.

Embarrassingly, I will admit that I subscribe. After this, though, I won't be renewing.

Posted by mcblogger at 11:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 29, 2009

I have no idea what this is about...

... but I LOVE it. Very nice. If someone would like to explain El Paso BS to me, I'd love to hear all about it.

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May 22, 2009

In honor of the new Star Trek movie...

... I give you this.

Star Trek

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May 21, 2009

This should really be the theme music to The Bad Girls Club

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May 16, 2009

ALL the time I'm doing this at 2 am


What? Don't look at me that way. I was referring to calling a cab. Dumbass.

(Flickr via Queerty)

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May 15, 2009

Mom Celebrity Translator

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May 08, 2009

Yes, it's juvenile...

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But seriously, you're going to sit there and tell me you didn't laugh. Even a little?

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May 07, 2009

A Mother's Day gift guide

This is from one of my favorite new blogs, Food Network Humor. They went to the trouble of posting a gift guide for you in your effort to please your unpleasable mother.

Yeah, she really does hate you. It's because of that horrible thing you gave her when you were 16.

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May 01, 2009

Sister Ruth's new car

You may have heard that Sister Ruth recently went to work for a company that's doing something for the environment (she tried to explain it once but we lost interest after "Basically, what we do is...."). Here is her new car

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April 28, 2009

Apparently, the ACL organizers missed the 90's

The headliners for ACL have been announced and, really, it's a powerhouse lineup... if it was 1996.

Pearl Jam, the Dave Matthews Band, the Beastie Boys, Kings of Leon, Ben Harper and Relentless7 , and Thievery Corporation.

Let's have a contest... who sucks more, Kings of Leon or The Dave Matthews Band?

In an age where superbands have functionally ceased to exist, the music scene is more fractured than the former Yugoslavia and individual music tastes vary so widely, are music festivals like ACL even relevant anymore?

I would like to see Lily Allen... just to see if she'll be able to stand up during her entire set. But it's not worth $185 to me.

The Mayor did want to know how they could have missed bringing Anal Cunt to the festival? Anyone?

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April 23, 2009

Nicely put, Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley, just telling it like it is.

"I mean, you look at this country now, we've got all these foreclosures, we've got all these people laid off. We should be behind him 110 percent, hoping he's successful," Barkley said. "And I just thought it was unpatriotic and basically B.S. for Rush Limbaugh and that idiot Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck and all those idiots to not root for this guy."

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April 17, 2009

Rethinking book cover design

The forum goons over at SomethingAwful decided it would be fun to trick people into reading... by making changes to the covers of books. Here's a sample of their work...


I might have actually read this in high school if the cover had looked like this...


See more here.

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April 09, 2009

Still another Chemistry match

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March 20, 2009

My latest Chemistry match

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March 18, 2009

There's tennis

... and then there's the game of real men, ping pong. Just FYI, the money shot is at the end and VERY worth it.

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March 11, 2009

Max Capacity

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March 08, 2009

Is this place in Cleveland?

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March 06, 2009

Some folks ya just can't reach

The Eleventh Circuit came out with a notable opinion this week on one Robert Shaw. The part with all the legalese talk about a bunch of law stuff is hella-boring; dare I say, even icky as it pertains to criminal matters (Everyone knows suing people for money is what makes The Law so damn sexy. Aw ye-uh).

But the good news is that the cool part of this opinion comes at the VERY BEGINNING, so you don't have to read all that "possession of a firearm this" "post-Miranda that" "Fourth Amendment bla-dee-bla-so-on" stuff. Check this out:

"When Robert Shaw was thirteen years old he hurled a rock through a car windshield, sending shards of glass into his victim's face. Fifteen years later Shaw was speeding through Miami, with a cocked and loaded pistol and ski masks, on his way to burglarize a "drug hole." His rap sheet during the intervening years is long enough to require extra postage. It shows 27 arrests involving 62 counts, and sentences totaling at least 105 months in spite of receiving one break after another from the system. Indeed, from Shaw's criminal record it seems as though he is determined to serve a life sentence, albeit on the installment plan. The question this appeal presents is whether the current installment is a reasonable one."

Ooh, Burn!!! Having spent a portion of my own legal career dealing with the most incorrigible criminal element, I can totally empathize with this particular geyser-like venting of Ye Olde Judicial Spleen. Not to comment on any particular public debate at the moment, but it is important to remember that every single day of a criminal court judge's career, he or she confronts utterly unreachable sociopaths whose brains consist entirely of that one reptilian lobe and nothing more. After awhile, that can understandably tax any decent human being's sense of mercy and patience.

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February 24, 2009

I give you, Celebrity Autobiography

See more here...

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February 20, 2009

Getting ahead

I know, I'm not supposed to laugh but it's sooo damn hard not to.

PhotobucketThe founder of an upstate New York TV station aimed at countering Muslim stereotypes has been arrested on suspicion of killing his wife, who was beheaded, authorities said.

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February 19, 2009

News from Japan

  • The Japanese present Blackface Obama...

    If you can explain to me what a Japanese guy in blackface doing magic tricks has to do with President Obama, then you're probably a dittohead.

  • The Japanese are pledging to export no more porn that makes people sick...

    "We honestly had no idea people did not enjoy this stuff," said Cultural Affairs Minister Kazuhiro Nakai, expressing regret for the thousands of hours of bondage porn, rape porn, utensil-rape porn, food-rape porn, frozen-food-rape porn, vomit-enema porn, elder-care-coma-patient-rape porn, and the kind of a porn in which a nubile youth is kidnapped, stripped, tied down in a wading pool and raped. "We are deeply ashamed for whatever it is about these films that has made people around the world vomit so vigorously. Please know that the content was only intended to entertain and arouse."

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    February 18, 2009

    Rep. Eric Cantor, taking credit for things he didn't do

    NSFW...This is a spoof of a commercial credit by AFSCME which represented state, county and muni employees across the country.

    AFSCME and other unions have targeted GOP leadership (including Rep. Eric Cantor). Cantor's office sent this ad out in reponse saying it was 'a joke'. Now, the ad is funny as hell and, while base (you know we love the crude), it's actually pretty good at telling what the union membership actually does.

    It also wasn't made by Cantor or anyone in his office, but they're sure as hell taking credit for the funny. The union leadership is, of course, pissed as hell. Which I really don't get, but if they're mad at Cantor then I'm all for it since I don't think there is too much ridicule and shame for those narrow shoulders.

    Plus, I think it's lame as hell taking credit for funny you didn't actually make.

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    February 13, 2009

    Advertising WIN

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    February 12, 2009

    "I know I'm not Mickey Rourke"

    No, kids, this is not safe for work...

    "Craigslist Penis Photographer" featuring Bob Odenkirk - watch more funny videos

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    February 02, 2009

    So much for those pesky songwriters

    Faster than you can say Bernie Taupin, Microsoft has created the most awesomest piece of software evah! Songsmith will allow your computer to write really good songs that will make everyone envy you.

    Did I mention it's by Microsoft? Their software is ALWAYS hella good.

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    January 29, 2009

    Laughs for a Thursday...

  • First off, KT at BOR caught this...


    Really? No one over at Team White thought this might look, well, A LITTLE STRANGE?!?!

  • Twitter is kind of a mixed bag. While it's great for fabulous, exciting people like me and those who follow me, it can also be used by asshats. Like Patrick Ruffini

    Rush Limbaugh should replace Kristol on the NYT editorial page. We need a heartland conservative who will shock the el ite's sensibilities. about 12 hours ago from TweetDeck

    and then, TBogg steps up and nails him...

    Because nothing says "heartland conservative" like a serial-divorcee sex tourist junkie who makes $38 million a year and lives in a $24 million mansion. Salt of the earth...the common clay.

    I, for one, am glad that conservatives are grasping new technologies with both hands allowing them to get their thoughts into the mainstream at the speed of stupid.

  • Be careful out there....


    And, to the person who did this, I salute you for not only having technical skill but a good sense of humor.

  • Will TinaFish be leaving? Will see be staying? Gardner took one for the team to find out. I'm hoping she stays... so we can complete the flip of Harris County and scrub out the R areas in SA metro. Then, on to East Texas.

    Of course, if she were helping to run the national party, Republicans would become an endangered species in DC. That might be worth it even though it would be sad to see the one lady in the universe who can make the TDP look good depart. Seriously, next to Tina Fish, Chairman Nabisco looks like General Marshall

  • havegoodun!

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    January 27, 2009

    In other news...

  • Mr. The Plumber has a new job that doesn't involve sitting on his couch. He's now a war correspondent for and will be reporting on the situation in Israel. Seriously is there nothing this guy can't do?!?!
  • As it turns out, no one really knows if private contracts for government services are actually saving taxpayers money. I'd be willing to bet it COULD, but that would require the Republicans who control state government to actually hold their contributors accountable.
  • The word of the day is Agnotology which is defined as "Culturally constructed ignorance, purposefully created by special interest groups working hard to create confusion and suppress the truth". From Wired

    “When it comes to many contentious subjects, our usual relationship to information is reversed: Ignorance increases.

    [Proctor] has developed a word inspired by this trend: agnotology. Derived from the Greek root agnosis, it is “the study of culturally constructed ignorance.”

    As Proctor argues, when society doesn’t know something, it’s often because special interests work hard to create confusion. Anti-Obama groups likely spent millions insisting he’s a Muslim; church groups have shelled out even more pushing creationism. The oil and auto industries carefully seed doubt about the causes of global warming. And when the dust settles, society knows less than it did before.

    “People always assume that if someone doesn’t know something, it’s because they haven’t paid attention or haven’t yet figured it out,” Proctor says. “But ignorance also comes from people literally suppressing truth—or drowning it out—or trying to make it so confusing that people stop caring about what’s true and what’s not.”

  • Joseph Stiglitz has a great piece in Vanity Fair about the lead up to the credit crisis and it's, honestly, a really good read. My favorite part

    The truth is most of the individual mistakes boil down to just one: a belief that markets are self-adjusting and that the role of government should be minimal. Looking back at that belief during hearings this fall on Capitol Hill, Alan Greenspan said out loud, “I have found a flaw.” Congressman Henry Waxman pushed him, responding, “In other words, you found that your view of the world, your ideology, was not right; it was not working.” “Absolutely, precisely,” Greenspan said. The embrace by America—and much of the rest of the world—of this flawed economic philosophy made it inevitable that we would eventually arrive at the place we are today.

    Gee, doesn't that sound kind of familiar?

  • President Obama had an interesting conversation last week with Congressional R's...

    Challenged by one Republican senator over the contents of the package, the new president, according to participants, replied: “I won.”

    The statement was prompted by Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl of Arizona , who challenged the president and the Democratic leaders over the balance between the package’s spending and tax cuts, bringing up the traditional Republican notion that a tax credit for people who do not earn enough to pay income taxes is not a tax cut but a government check.

    Obama noted that such workers pay Social Security and Medicare taxes, property taxes and sales taxes. The issue was widely debated during the presidential campaign, when Sen. John McCain, the Republican nominee, challenged Obama’s tax plan as “welfare.”

    With those two words — “I won” — the Democratic president let the Republicans know that debate has been put to rest Nov. 4 .

    Democratic and Republican aides confirmed the exchange. A White House spokesman said he wasn’t immediately aware of the exchange. The aides who heard the remarks stressed that it wasn’t as boldly partisan as it might sound.

    I, of course, would have loved it had the president physically hit Senator Kyl for continuing to be blindly ideological. But that's just me... I have about as much respect for Senator Kyl as I do for other people who are really stupid. And loud.

  • Havagoodun!

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    January 26, 2009

    You really DO look great today!

    I LOVE THIS SITE! And you really do look great today. I meant to tell you when we were in the elevator together but I thought you might mistake it for sexual interest and try to assrape me.

    Which I didn't really feel like at the time.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:53 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    January 22, 2009

    ...makes Your "Taco" Do WHAT Now?

    If there is any truth to the claim made in this commercial about Ortega taco shells, then Old El Paso had better get their act together quick.

    Posted by hbalczak at 02:21 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    January 18, 2009

    Life. FAIL

    Here's a better idea...START DRINKING.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 09, 2009

    This is TOO awesome

    The TSA peeps got new uniforms and while they look nice, they're apparently super uncomfortable.

    "We're hearing from hundreds of TSOs that this is an issue," said Emily Ryan, a spokeswoman for the American Federation of Government Employees. Most of the complaints have been for skin rashes, but they have also included runny or bloody noses, lightheadeness, red eyes, and swollen and cracked lips, union officials say.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    December 19, 2008

    eHarmony rejection...

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    This one I can at least understand...

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    December 15, 2008

    How to not win an election

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    December 09, 2008

    A place you don't wanna be...

    Take a look at this video, then come back.

    Don't worry, I'll wait.

    A friend sent it to me along with the comment that if her boyfriend bought her jewelry from Penny's HE'D be in the doghouse.

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 01, 2008

    My new favorite song

    If you're at work, be smart. Don't turn your speakers up. And don't play it with your boss behind you unless s/he has a sense of humor.

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    November 26, 2008

    Jokes of My Father's : Reading signs

    Political Promises.jpg

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    November 25, 2008

    Which is better?

    The original...or the cleaned up remake?

    Anomaly's Greatest Hits for Christians

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    November 20, 2008

    School is fun


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    November 19, 2008

    Quit with the drugs

    Tripping Balls

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    November 14, 2008

    ...And it's Congressman, please.

    Ted Haggard

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Our apologies...

    Yesterday, we posted this about the Mayor's race. In the post, we accidentally used a picture of de-Elected Travis County Commissioner Gerald Daugherty for Release The McCracken. This picture.


    The mistake was pointed out by our good friend Mike Dahmus whom we'd like thank. Here is the most current picture of McCracken we have on file


    And this, we think, is a picture of Mike Levy...


    Posted by mcblogger at 09:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    November 07, 2008


    Just for grins, the peeps at Texas Monthly have a nice little piece on the R perspective from the folks that worked on the Bush campaign.

    After the disaster that has been President Bush, it would have been nice to have a little contrition from these people. Of course, it would have been totally out of character, but it would have been nice.

    Ladies and gentleman, I give you the team whose actions turned me into an ardent Democrat.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    November 05, 2008

    Bad? You don't know bad.

    Head Tricks

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    November 04, 2008

    A funny thing happened while surfing the net

    The funniest thing just happened. I was surfing the net, looking for the nuttiest rightwing evangelical tinfoilhattery about Obama I could find, when I see this.

    Well at first, I laughed my ass off, because I had just kind of scanned over the article and thought Rep. Dunbar was claiming that Obama would legalize Martians once he took office. Crazy batshit fundamentalist nonsense right?

    Then I re-read it and realize it's only really claiming that Obama intends to impose Martial Law when he becomes president. Well DUH! Geez, lady. Talk about stating the obvious. We've all known that for months. Why else would he be doing so well in all the polls?

    Posted by hbalczak at 03:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    November 03, 2008

    Feeling the economic pinch?

    We're here to help. Well, actually, UrbZen is here to help. Well, when you really dig down to it Apartment Living is here to help but UrbZen made some brill comments.

    3. Trade things you don’t want with friends, neighbors, relatives. Like your wife.

    9. Paper towels are expensive. Use washable cloth dish towels instead.
    Toilet paper is expensive, too.

    16. Consider cutting your family’s hair yourself.
    Because they don’t hate you enough already.

    24. Learn about the many bargains at ‘no frills’ discount stores.
    Like the guy who sells Prada out of his van in Riverside.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 31, 2008

    A little something else for you...

    Child Molestation and You

    I don't know... just seemed perfect for Halloween.

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 29, 2008


    Really, this is one of the most perfect things I have ever read.

    I don't know about that, but it seems a bit coincidence that three's the number of lines they give me on the WIC forms I got to fill out every five damn seconds. Why do they need to keep bugging me all the time? Shit, I ain't losing 'em. I still got the same number of babies as last time you asked. And they need they cornflakes.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:21 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 27, 2008

    A little something for you...

    Report Card

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    October 24, 2008

    SNL : Bush, Paylin and a bashful McCain

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 20, 2008

    It may not make you much smarter...

    ...but apparently it will slow Alzheimer's.

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 15, 2008


    And here is Eileen's review of Governor Palin with Charlie Gibson. The verdict? Exceeded the already low expectations. On the downside.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:32 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 11, 2008

    Jokes of My Father's : The WalMart Cake


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    September 07, 2008

    I remember this when it was just a bitingly funny clipart cartoon

    Now Get Your War On is a bitingly funny clipart animation...

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 04:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 02, 2008

    Always with the wrong guy...

    According to some article at MSNBC, if you use that whore pill, it's probably making you think that the wrong guys are genetically compatible. This soooo totally explains Britney and K-Fed.

    Major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes are involved in immune response and other functions, and the best mates are those that have different MHC smells than you. The new study reveals, however, that when women are on the pill they prefer guys with matching MHC odors.

    And of course, it helps explain some of the shockingly bad choices Barfly has made over the years. Like this guy...


    And this loser who accidentally shot my uncle when hunting a couple of years ago...


    And THIS asshole. He was the one I hated most...

    (h/t to Eileen from whom all funny whore related news comes)

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 22, 2008

    Jokes of My Father's : Hangin' out

    1. Rented boat = $75.00
    2. Bait = $ 10.00
    3. Camera film = $22.50
    4. Showing the world that BIG fish and having it posted on the Internet....



    No, this isn't my father.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:52 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    July 17, 2008

    Every once in a while...

    You need something a little different.

    Couple Has Sex With Their Horse - Watch more free videos

    You know, in hindsight I guess it wasn't different so much as it was FUCKALL CRAZY.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 12, 2008

    At last! It all makes sense!

    I'm not like most guys... I don't find cosmo's gross, I totally get spending a Saturday watching Texas Justice or Babycakes on LMN and I like shopping. Well, I like shopping for things I WANT, not necessarily the crap you're just dying to buy.

    However, I am like most guys in that I find Oprah inscrutable. I need a translator for the show and have been longing for someone to step up, take one for the team and fill me in on what I'm missing. Finally, someone has done it. A Guys Guide To Oprah will help demystify the woman and her show in a way that could best be described as hysterical without being mean.

    Thank you, Sensei, for creating something actually useful in the blogosphere!

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 02, 2008

    Disaranno on the cock?

    We've all seen that Disaranno commercial. The one where the assbag ad company tries to make amaretto the new 'it' drink. Which it is, for the over 60, "I'd like a cordial after dinner" set.

    This is the way it should have been.

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 26, 2008

    Something funny

    I Think I Just Went Too Far

    See more here... and if you're offended, you're a tard.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:21 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    June 12, 2008

    Best Autobio Title EVER

    For those of you in NYC, there's a reading tonight that sounds like a fucking blast...

    “I Have Fun Everywhere I Go” is the enviable title of Mike Edison’s memoir. But he’s earned it, really: He’s been the publisher of High Times, the editor of Screw, the author of many pornographic novels, a semiprofessional wrestler and a musician who’s worked with the likes of G. G. Allin and Jon Spencer. Mr. Edison will cultivate your jealousy when he reads tonight at Freebird Books; if you’re lucky, he’ll bring his bong guitar.

    Seriously, is that not the best goddamn title for an autobiography EVER? Well, other than the one I've set aside for my planned autobiography, And Then We Had Drinks, which is due out as soon as I write it. And sell it to someone dumb enough to publish.

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:56 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    June 02, 2008

    ...And sometimes, the press is REALLY stupid

    Here's a dreadful piece of journalism from R. A. Dyer of the Fort Worth Star Telegram. He leaves out...

    1) Deregulation has failed Texas consumers
    2) The excuses, regarding fuel costs, are irrelevant. If the standards to market entry are set so low that retailers end up being financially unable to manage their businesses (and, you know, HEDGE THEIR RISK) then clearly there is something wrong.
    3) This is related to excessive speculation in the energy market coupled with the decline in the dollar which is setting prices high for ALL natgas, even that produced domestically since we don't produce enough to meet domestic demand.
    4) The cheapest, most dependable electricity in the state is in two markets, SA Metro and Austin Metro. Neither deregulated.
    5) The price spikes are clearly indicative of market manipulation.

    Dyer, if you're going to write about something at least learn about it.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 01, 2008

    Stupid Person of the Week : Tara Setmayer

    I woke up early on Sunday (well, for me anyway) and, while flipping through the guide, saw KLRU had on a program called To The Contrary.

    Truly, it's an insipid little show with shallow analysis from people who clearly don't really understand the subject matter. Take 'Conservative Commentator' Tara Setmayer. No, really TAKE HER. What? You don't want her? Damn. I guess we'll just have to spend some time pointing out where baby got something wrong.

    When asked a question about flextime, Tara attempted to answer the question... by discussing how airlines almost went out of business due to 'high retirement costs'. Bonnie Eber, the ridiculous host on loan from, mentioned that 'while it may have been the case years ago, oil is really driving the margin squeeze now'. Tara agreed in general with that but pointed out they were 'just recovering from the pension issues and then oil prices hit them'.

    How many times do you think we're going to have to do this? When the Republicans, as part of Kemp-Roth in 1981 if I remember correctly, allowed companies to change their pension calculations to basically anticipate a higher rate of return, it set events in motion that were destined to create problems for retirees. At the time, the rate was set low for expected returns, far lower in fact than the US 30 Year Treasury. So they changed things to allow companies to anticipate a return based ON the 30 Year Treasury. Which meant their current liabilities were actually much lower.

    Basically, let's say I agree to pay you $100 per year from age 65 until you die (you're 35 now). Actuaries would tell me I need to start putting away money so that I can pay you from the income on that money, plus the principle. Ideally, it would be great if you'd die before 65, but since you probably won't, the actuaries will tell me that I need to put away around $17 per year now in order to give you the $100 per year until you die (which the actuaries tell me should be around 85) assuming I get a return of 5% on my money. Yes, I COULD get away with around $12 per year, but there are no guarantees that you'll die right at 85. So, I'll consider my over contribution 'insurance'.

    I'll also hope like hell you die before 85 since if you do I get to pocket the remaining money after a pittance payout to your survivors.

    Now, I'm 'overcontributing' to the plan because I'm cautious and smart. For years, this was how pensions worked in the US with rational people making rational decisions. Then came the Reagan Revolution which thoroughly screwed up pensions.

    Now, back to where everything went off the rails... In the early 80's, companies were struggling to put enough into their pensions because of the anticipated payouts to WW2 era retirees (which was essentially an actuarial time bomb) and the fact that their investments had not grown much. So they went to Congress and there was singular moron Jack Kemp, ready and willing to cut them a break. His solution? They could dramatically increase their expected rate of return. Which means that to cover the liabilities they didn't need to invest as much money up front. This meant they could realize more profit and, because of performance related compensation plans, more money would be paid to top management.

    It's not that management did a good job. The companies didn't really make any more money. They just changed their accounting and suddenly their profits went up (and so did pay to ineffective management teams ). Fast forward to 2001 when pensions were seriously starting to get burdened with retirees (SOME boomers and the WW2 generation that simply wasn't dying fast enough) and then, the stock market crashes (not to mention the next time bomb, the retirement of the boomers). If they'd put away what they were supposed to, it wouldn't be a problem. Now they have a massive pension short fall. The culprit is, of course, not bad management and those who came before that management, it's all those greedy retirees. The same folks who allowed you take money out of their paycheck for their pensions every single month. What to do?

    Well, if you're an airline, you declare bankruptcy. And you also pay your management bonuses of more than $100 mn. The best part, which Capitalista Setmayer failed to mention? The bankruptcy wiped out all those pesky shareholders!

    There were four other women on this program. NONE OF THEM EVEN BOTHERED TO SET HER STRAIGHT.

    I now have a better understanding of why Democrats can't get ahead on the pure economic debate. They aren't smart enough to contradict the retarded things the Republicans say.

    What's wrong with you people?

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 30, 2008


    Tony Blair... you're no Jimmy Carter. You're not even a Bill Clinton. You're a poor man's Anthony Eden.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 23, 2008

    Don't anger the mathematician

    Verizon's customer service has never been what you'd want to call 'good'. It wasn't when they were my mobile carrier and I'm guessing they haven't been so good for this guy...


    Posted by mcblogger at 08:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 17, 2008

    Back on the Block

    Embedded players are for shit...Watch the funny here.

    Yep, The New Kids On The Block are not quite so new. In fact, viewing this appearance both saddened and amused me. I must admit that I have never been a fan. I guess I blame them for the rash of painted denim that plagued my junior high during their heyday. I had a friend whose mother painted the New Kids on the backs of denim jackets in all their sparkling bedazzled glory. Sound garish and gaudy? You bet! But they did go perfectly with those huge hoop earrings from Claire's. I can remember being trapped in her blue minivan on a long car ride forced to listen to 'Hangin Tough' in it's entirety. I tried to count all of the times they said girl, but lost count at 96. Anyway, cheers to the Kids, and best wishes picking the carcass of boy band fame clean. Especially Donnie.

    Posted by barfly at 12:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 29, 2008

    You thought your parents were embarrassing

    Read this and tell you have it bad. Here's an excerpt...

    My father is a porn addict. I've known for a while now, but now that I'm older he seems to be pretty comfortable telling me about how much he absolutely loves boobs, and what kind of sites he likes to look at. Almost every movie we watch together has naked women in it.

    I'm his daughter.

    This one sounds like one of Barfly's dates...

    So I was in a play, and part of my costume included very tight pants. Tight enough that one could get a sense of the approximate shape of parts of my anatomy.

    I come home after the show, my mom leaves the room. My dad watches her leave, turns to me and says, "The girls better be after you after that show." I ask what he means, and he says, "You've got your old man beat. I'm impressed," and he nods down.

    It takes me a second to realize what he's talking about. I stammer off a thank you and pretend to be really, really interested in whatever is on the TV.

    Later that night, my dad heads up to bed. My mom waits until she hears the bedroom door closed, and tells me it was a very good performance. She then adds that the pants were noticeably tight on me. A brief pause. I have time to hope that there is nothing else to this conversation.

    "You know, you're funny and handsome, but after this girls should be ALL over you."

    My thoughts: Dear lord. Dear lord.

    "I think I heard some of the girls sitting behind me, they were impressed. Are you embarrassed by this, honey? Don't be! It's part of life, and you're blessed."

    I was paralyzed by embarrassment, and excused myself to go to the bathroom.

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 11, 2008

    An essay on peeing in my pants...

    ... by David Sedaris

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 10, 2008

    You're STILL here?

    Two years ago, the mother of some little freakshow (we'll call her Mama Freakshow) tried to sue MySpace because her special princess hooked up with some perv and MySpace DID NOTHING TO PREVENT IT. Because parenting Mama Freakshow's kid was not so much their job.

    Who knew?Oh, wait... I DID. So did a judge. Then another one. Now La Familia Freakshow is back, this time in FEDERAL APPEALS COURT fighting for the right to sue MySpace and make sure that they start protecting all the little fat girls who lie and say they are 18 so they can attract an older guy with a mullet and a 1986 Fiero. I'm sure that's it. It has nothing to do with that $30 million they hope to be awarded.

    Cause they're totally giving that money away. Just like I'm going to start 'sharing' and 'playing well with others'.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:34 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    April 04, 2008

    The Beautiful People

    I recently signed up for news alerts from the Schlockman, mostly because people around me are all the time talking about local things and I'm constantly left out because I never pay attention to local news. I really need to know about the latest person shot by the Round Rock PD? Really? Along with the alerts come links to other bullshit from the paper, including stuff from Austin360 which is the Schlockman's effort to seem hip and cool.

    Funny that the NYT can send out Urban Eye and pull off a kind of effortless brilliance, even with a pic of Tori Spelling on the banner. The Schlockman, on the other hand, gives us the 'A List'. Seriously, if I were thinking about relo to Austin and I saw the 'A List', I'd start looking elsewhere. I know there are far more attractive people than this in Austin. I see them out all the time. They just weren't at the Beauty Bar on 27th March.

    And I can totally say all this because I'm a goddamn super model.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:42 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    March 30, 2008

    This is me hating you...

    ..well, at least it's a much gayer and slightly younger (shut up, Mayor) 'version' of me.

    On second thought, without the profanity it's clear we've really nothing at all in common. Oh, well.

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 28, 2008

    My new favorite websites

    Hot Chicks with Douchebags and Postcards From Yo Momma. Brilliance!

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:17 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 25, 2008

    McBlogger's Comedy Tips, Part 1109


    Tina Fey. A once-a-year birth control solution. Psychotic periods.Brilliance.


    Dogs. A child. A politician. A politician with dogs and a child. Cheese (in a can).

    I have no doubt that Mindy's tough enough to stand up to criminals. Rosemary is, too. However, unlike Rosemary, I have serious doubts about whether or not Mindy can stand up to her friends.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:09 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    March 17, 2008

    LOVE me some Peaches

    For all of you who have wondered if that Fuck The Pain Away song I've talked about was real. I should probably mention that this is not safe for work. However, this is McBlogger. If you're reading this at work then you're probably looking at porn too. And yes, your entire IT department knows about your japscat fetish.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 10, 2008

    Bernanke, Congress, The NYT and new real estate

    The NYT has an op/ed piece congratulating Bernanke for suggesting that Congress act to give Bankruptcy judges the ability to reduce principal balances on outstanding mortgages. It's an interesting idea. It's also completely unnecessary and will cause a lot more harm than good.

    First off, the market for housing is a very delicate balance of forces and in that balance lies the value of a property. Part of what's killing people in many neighborhoods is NOT that they've lost equity, it's that their neighbors though bad financial planning and decision making, have been forced to 'give up their homes' creating a foreclosure in the immediate vicinity that, by virtue of being a comparable, ends up decreasing the value for all the homes around it. It's financial collateral damage and Bernanke's plan doesn't really address it. That the NYT can't see it is largely unsurprising given their lackluster reporting on this and the effect it's having.

    Second, the market for new originations (buyers who need mortgage financing) will be made vastly more expensive because what's being packaged and sold to investors is no longer a sound and safe instrument, it's a financial timebomb which can be modified (against it's owner) by the government at will. So much for the rule of law and the sanctity of contracts.

    What needs to happen and what we've been clamoring for is stabilization. What's driving foreclosures is the ADJUSTMENT of an adjustable rate mortgage. This means that consumers have been able to make a payment at a high interest rate... what they are having problems with is the payment when the rate jumps from 8% to 12%. That's a little tough to take. Reducing them balance still leaves them in a high interest rate loan. Wouldn't it be better to refinance them to a lower interest rate at which they can afford to comfortably make the payment on the full principle balance? Dropping the principle balance will help, but it shorts the investor who owns the loan, which makes it unlikely they'll invest in any more mortgages which will, in turn, drive up borrowing costs for Americans across the board.

    Why not a program that saves investors AND homeowners (investors by giving them full value on their securities and homeowners by taking them out of an expensive loan)? We've got it and Congress has, apparently unbeknown to the NYT, already taken the first step...they've increase the FHA loan limits. With guidelines tightening for even loans backed by FNMA and FHLMC, more and more loans will start being originated as FHA insured loans. Currently, in Travis County for example, the loan limit was just enough to take a large chunk of the market. Increasing it by almost 50% will help stabilize the market, keep buyers in and allowing those in trouble to hopefully refinance.

    The other is to modify FHA Secure to indemnify lenders and broaden the guidelines to cover the more than 2 million homeowners at risk. Instead of the max of 80k under Bush's retard program.

    Finally, the market has not responded to the stimuli pushed through by Congress and the Fed. Bank's are still too scared to act, bond insurers are on the brink of insolvency because of their inability to get ANY capital at ANY price. The market is, quite simply, not working and it's the ultimate weakness of Reagan-/Friedman-/Bush-onomics... fear in a market can become reinforcing and in the end, it's the very thing that kills the entire market and spurs a recession or, worse, a depression. The only way it gets fixed is for the lender of last resort to step up and let even the financial masters of the universe know things will be OK.

    Finally, in other news, some new real estate has been 'theorized'.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:54 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 07, 2008

    Go Charles Barkley

    Via Pink Dome

    Charles Barkley is getting the business from the Christian Anti-Defamation Commission.

    Said Barkley: "I think they -- they want to be judge and jury. Like, I'm for gay marriage. It's none of my business if gay people want to get married. I'm pro-choice. And I think these Christians -- first of all, they're supposed to be -- they're not supposed to judge other people. But they're the most hypocritical judge of people we have in this country. And it bugs the hell out of me. They act like their Christians. And they're not forgiving at all...they should read the part about they're not supposed to judge other people. They forget that one when it doesn't fit what they want it to say."

    Don't apologize for speaking the truth, Charles.

    Damn skippy. And let's be clear for a second. Barkley isn't talking about ALL Christians. He's talking about the Republican variety mouthbreather who wants to tell everyone how to think, feel and act. I don't like them much either.

    Posted by mcblogger at 06:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    The next leader of the Moral Majority

    Those of you who've read McBlogger for a while (or just over five minutes) have probably picked up on my LOVE of profanity. Seriously, I use it constantly. I've been called a 'potty mouth' from time to time, to which I normally respond "You're goddamn right, fatass". Is it rude? Fuckin' A. But it's expressive. If it offends you, then train your browser elsewhere.

    Oh, and grow a pair of huevos. The world is needlessly crude? Oh, please. The world is the world and being artificially nice isn't going to change a thing. Sometimes you just have to lay out a good f-bomb to release the stress. Try it some time. I bet the parents of this little douche have, probably over another of his admonitions to be polite. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Emile Post

    No Cussing Week was the inspiration of 14-year-old McKay Hatch, the founder of South Pasadena High School's No Cussing Club. Hatch admits he himself engaged in colorful language in the past, but says he tries not to anymore.

    Hatch hopes his No Cussing Club will lead to cuss-free zones in other cities. He thinks it could be a quality-of-life issue and says there could be less violence if people behave better.

    Oh you vile little bastard. Less violence? Moron. Just like 'less drinking' (Prohibition) led to even more rampant alcoholism and the rise of the mafia. The massive growth of evangelical Christian churches curiously coincided with a massive increase in the divorce rate. It's just like an idiot child and the adults who enable him (the South Pasadena City Council) to NOT get that a veneer of civility is just that, a veneer. Eventually it wears thin and dissolves.

    The world doesn't need another gooder, however well intentioned, that will gloss over substantial problems by creating a meaningless initiative.

    Finally, I'd like to leave you with a passage from 1 Corinthians...

    When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.


    Posted by mcblogger at 08:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    February 29, 2008

    The response

    Barfly, a few weeks ago, found out about this. Here is Kimmel's response

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    February 15, 2008

    Funny things...

  • John Cougar Mellencamp slaps down McCain for using one of his songs. Mellencamp is a Democrat and McCain isn't (despite what some 'tards seem to think)
  • Ann Coulter : the best thing that had ever happened to the campaign of “B. Hussein Obama” was when he was born “half black.”

    Why won't this bitch just die? I mean really, people are killed every day in the US. Why aren't any of them Ann Coulter?

  • We don't want free health care! We just want what Vice President Cheney has! CheneyCare for EVERYONE!
  • The Russians have developed a theory that would allow them to travel through time. Save yourself some time... buy a Russian dubbed copy of 'Back To The Future'.
  • The makers of the Storm Worm are making some phat bank. How much? By estimates from the nice folks at IBM, $2m per day. That is a lot of penis enlargement drugs, fake Rolex watches and Canadian pharmaceuticals.
  • Iran's old clerics are being pushed aside... by even more militant assholes who want nukes and an aggresive foreign policy. Please note, this came after (and some would argue as an effect of) Bush's saber rattling over the last two years. Not to mention McCain who just will.not.shut.up. about Iran.
  • In case you were wondering, here's a top ten list of reasons why Republicans hate them some John McCain. At least the nutters who make up 'the base'
  • Have a goodun'

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:58 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    February 02, 2008

    I'm F*cking Matt Damon

    I'm not a big fan of Jimmy Kimmel, but I might have to start watching just to see when Sarah Silverman is on. Yeah, at times she can be too much, but I love her anyway. Especially in this:

    Actually, this almost makes me forgive Matt Damon for 'The Brothers Grimm'. Almost. I have already forgiven Heath Ledger, because that is what you do when someone dies.

    Posted by barfly at 12:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 25, 2008

    Am I the only one...

    ...who wants to see this?

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 24, 2008

    A fine candidate for President

    As The Mayor said, if Time Cube were a human being, it would be this guy. And he's running for President.

    Why don't the crazies ever file to run as a Republican? Oh... wait. Forgot about him.

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 02, 2008

    Rich on Huckabee

    No, not sexually...

    The rabid hunger for change, it turns out, has made the very idea of experience as toxic as every other attribute of the Bush White House. The once-heralded notion of a C.E.O. presidency, overstocked with “tested” Washington and Fortune 500 executives like Cheney and Rumsfeld, is now in the toilet with Larry Craig. You couldn’t push the pendulum further in the other direction than by supporting a candidate like Mr. Huckabee, who is blatantly unprepared to be president and whose most impressive battle has been with his weight.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    November 28, 2007

    Q : "How do you know when you're done killing something?"

    A : "When yo man pick you up at the clinic and take you drinkin' at the club."

    via Drawn Together

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    November 15, 2007

    Having a little fun...

    I saw Ingrid Newkirk on TV earlier. I don't like her. Here's a picture.

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    This is a GIANT steak. I love these. Will be having one manana. I hope it looks like this.

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    There's really no point to this. Other than to post a picture of a steak with one of Ingrid Newkirk.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:07 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 30, 2007

    Fox Financial News Anchor or Porn Star?

    Go take the quiz at Radar... I only scored 5/10.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:23 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    October 23, 2007

    Stealing is wrong...

    Oh, I too feel the pinch from the excessive cost of gasoline. However, I don't have nearly the balls to do this.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 16, 2007

    Naked Boys Singing

    No, it's the name of the movie. And yes, I do want to see it.

    In “Naked Boys Singing!” 10 grown men (including one natural redhead) go full monty while belting out show tunes and high-kicking like muscular Rockettes. The show’s injury log must make for very colorful reading.

    I mean, who wouldn't want to spend 90 minutes in a dark place with hot, naked men?

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:55 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 10, 2007

    Unfortunate product placements

    Via Something Awful...

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 20, 2007

    You first...

    I'm all the time saying that it's high time the herd thinned out a bit. Seriously, there are just too many people around these days, most of whom seem hell bent on getting in front of me on MoPac.

    Misanthropic? You don't know the half of it. In fact, Pink Lady pointed me to these people last week and I'm thinking they have the right idea. For you. Oh, OK... I'll do it, too. But you go first.

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:55 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 19, 2007

    Carrie Underwood... Demon.

    (Harry Balczak, our legal correspondent, attorney of record and HR administrator, sent this to me a short time ago since he can't post it. Something about a last minute trip to Bolivia...or Idaho. I can't remember...)

    Apparently, Carrie Underwood has been a bad girl. So says a suit filed by a prisoner in the Federal Pen in South Carolina. Here's the suit itself which claims, among other things that Underwood:

    1) Had the Plaintiff's larynx stolen
    2) 'Picks on' blind employees of Wal Mart Stores, Inc.
    3) Is regularly corresponding with Andrea Yates
    4) Is friends with Mayor McSleaze's buddy, Cindy Sheehan
    5) Threatens him daily with bodily harm to be inflicted by Tony Romo, cowboys and a few indians
    6) Conspired with Simon to 'fix' American Idol

    And there's so much more. Harry used to handle occasional prisoner complaints and says 'this one may take the cake'. Harry's always been so very subtle. That was before he became a big-time attorney and hired subordinates to do his pro bono stuff. And pick up his dry cleaning.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:18 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    I hope this shit isn't loaded with lead

    Stylist gave me candy yesterday when I went in to get my hair cut. The last time I was there she gave me some kind of fabulous gummy candy from China and I, being totally dishonest, told her it tasted like ass. She knew I was lying and told me she wished I'd get hit by a bus in Cantonese. I still haven't picked up that particular phrase.

    Today when I arrived there was an entire bag of the wonderful candy. She claims it's from Taiwan but I have no way of knowing. Well, I guess if my unborn children come out of the surrogate in about 5 years with exoskeletons I'll know she was lying.

    Wasn't it nice of Stylist to give me candy? If you answer yes, you're so very naive. The bitch wants to make me fat.

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:52 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 18, 2007

    Wash your hands...

    A third of our male readers don't wash their hands after urinating. Y'all are pretty gross. And no, I don't care that you didn't 'get any' on your hands. I don't want to touch your nasty dick later in the day when I go to shake your hand.

    And for you people that poop, wipe and walk out... ugh. I hope y'all get hit by a city bus because you're all a bunch of Typhoid Martins.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:18 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 12, 2007

    THE Country Song for the credit-crunch

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 10, 2007

    Your life is falling apart because of the gays


    via Dungeon Diary

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:40 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    September 03, 2007

    Happy Labor Day

    And yes, I feel like the thing living in the garbage can. I think it's my hangover...

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 21, 2007

    If James Bond was a hobo

    ...this is what British Intelligence would be like.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 20, 2007

    Camping... 2007

    (rec'd via email)

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    It's like 90 degrees... you gotta bring an AC? Maybe you should rethink the whole camping thing, or at least the time of year when you do it.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 17, 2007

    Are you a puma?

    I got this from Urban Dictionary the other day...

    PUMA - An attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She is a pre-cougar/urban cougar.

    Recently, the McBlogger staff and I were dining out while discussing the issues of the day (or, if you prefer, binge drinking while talking smack) and the word 'Cougar' popped up. We decided that Boob's is a cougar and Sister Ruth is not (it's because she's dowdy). I have since wondered exactly how to classify my sister, Barfly. I now know.

    Barfly is a puma. If you're a guy, see her looking at you and you wonder if you're man enough to handle her, you aren't. Trust me on this.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 16, 2007

    Can you fuck an iPhone?

    So, the iPhone is making for some unhappy interpersonal relationships...

    Wherein we used to actually interact with one another during cab rides or walks or, you know, dinner, now I sit there and watch him make love to that damn phone, his unblinking eyes glazed over with rapt-geek puppy love. Granted, he is still a warm body with a functioning penis. I do still have that. But mental stimulation, emotional support--all that he gives, in full, to his beloved little iPhone. I try to pull him back to me, but he just exclaims, "Look at it! It's so thin!" Right, I get it. I'm fat. Go fuck yourself. Actually, no: You can go fuck your skinny little phone.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:44 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    August 03, 2007

    No, June Katz, I DO NOT want my penis to be bigger

    and please, stop sending me this pic OVER and OVER again with the same gimpy girl.

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    Just look at the 'tard, would you? I feel bad for laughing EVERY FUCKING TIME, yet still I laugh. Mostly because I only see this EIGHT THOUSAND TIMES PER DAY.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:55 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    July 30, 2007

    I would love to see the guy that did this...

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    See more here.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 27, 2007

    Hot Dog Security

    (via Wired)

    In a very frank conversation with the Chicago Tribune's editorial board, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told the nation his "gut feeling" is that something Al Qaeda is afoot this summer.

    A DHS cafeteria employee then rang us to fill us in on the new Homeland Security Threat Level system.

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    The longer explanation:

    * Fried, Bacon-Wrapped Tijuana Danger Dog Topped With Jalapenos, Onions and Mayo
    * Chicago Dog With Everything
    * Hebrew National Kosher Dog With Relish and Onions
    * Microwaved Oscar Meyer Wieners on White Bread Roll with Ketchup
    * Steamed Tofu Pup on Sprouted Wheat Roll

    Though Chertoff didn't explicitly make it clear in his statement, I'm pretty sure the nation is now at Threat Level Chicago Dog with Everything.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 25, 2007

    What would YOU do...

    Received via email...

    Can you imagine some guy going 90 mph on the interstate with these balloons trailing about a few yards behind him?

    Instructions for a fun time on the freeway...............

    Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
    Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
    Step 3. Watch people freak out!

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    July 23, 2007

    Fun on bikes!

    Love the song. Love the video. Love it.

    Posted by barfly at 09:02 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    July 12, 2007

    In an effort to bring closure, someone shoots Soprano

    via The Onion

    Actor James Gandolfini, best known for his portrayal of mob kingpin Tony Soprano on the hit HBO show The Sopranos, was shot to death Tuesday in a Greenwich Village restaurant by a fan unable to accept the open-ended conclusion of the series finale that aired earlier this month.

    According to police reports, 28-year-old marketing research assistant Louis Bowen walked into the small Italian restaurant Occhiuto's at approximately 7:40 p.m. and headed directly toward Gandolfini's table. Bowen then drew a snub-nosed .38 revolver from his jacket and shot Gandolfini point-blank in the head three times before dropping the gun and calmly exiting the eatery.

    Bowen was apprehended two blocks away by two NYPD officers and reportedly put up no resistance.

    "I couldn't let it just hang," Bowen told police in a post-arrest confession released to the media. "Eight years of my life, and a fucking artsy cut to black? It was eating me up inside."

    Posted by mcblogger at 07:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 09, 2007

    Some other things the iPhone can do...

    Posted by mcblogger at 06:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 06, 2007

    We support keeping bars open later, too!

    Who's Playin' has a post up about a debate going on in Lewisville regarding the midnight mandatory closing time (you don't have to go home but you can't stay here) that bar patrons in Lewisville are forced to obey. Apparently, there are forces at work trying to keep the bars open until 2 AM.

    I think this is a great idea. We at McBlogger fully endorse later (or, no) closing times for bars.

    Unfortunately, every good idea has to have someone to shit all over it. In Lewisville, that dumbass is none other than Councilman Lathan Watts who has had pithy things to say about the issue like...

    "A man smarter than I am once told me nothing good happens after midnight."

    "I don’t see how you curb an alcoholic problem by increasing the supply of alcohol."

    What, exactly, is an 'alcoholic problem'? As for the 'smart man', I'll say only that I bet that son of a bitch was the life the of the party. Kinda like I'm sure Lathan is (just give him some Lime Sherbet Punch and watch...him... GO!).

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:18 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    We support keeping bars open later, too!

    Who's Playin' has a post up about a debate going on in Lewisville regarding the midnight mandatory closing time (you don't have to go home but you can't stay here) that bar patrons in Lewisville are forced to obey. Apparently, there are forces at work trying to keep the bars open until 2 AM.

    I think this is a great idea. We at McBlogger fully endorse later (or, no) closing times for bars.

    Unfortunately, every good idea has to have someone to shit all over it. In Lewisville, that dumbass is none other than Councilman Lathan Watts who has had pithy things to say about the issue like...

    "A man smarter than I am once told me nothing good happens after midnight."

    "I don’t see how you curb an alcoholic problem by increasing the supply of alcohol."

    What, exactly, is an 'alcoholic problem'? As for the 'smart man', I'll say only that I bet that son of a bitch was the life the of the party. Kinda like I'm sure Lathan is (just give him some Lime Sherbet Punch and watch...him... GO!).

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:18 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 11, 2007

    Rejection blows...

    Are you gay? Have you been rejected by eHarmony? Try this...

    via Dungeon Diary

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 07, 2007

    What to do with the old microwave...

    MICROWAVE TECHNOLOGY HOMEMADE - video powered by Metacafe

    I don't know if these guys are smarter than hell or crazier than my great aunt who thought the oil well removing oil from the ground under her would cause the ground to collapse and swallow her up. However, you gotta admit this would be fun as hell to have.

    Posted by mcblogger at 06:10 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 01, 2007

    Spellcheck on Aisle Five

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    As someone mentioned, there might be an opening right about now.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 03:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Dallas Mayor : WHAT A DOUCHE

    You know, I mostly think Dallas is a hellish shithole of a city anyway (topped only by Houston metro - have I pissed off enough folks, yet?) so you deserve a Mayor like Tom Leppertsy. Dallas Progress (which is inexplicably supporting Leppert) has a recap of their lame debate. My FAVORITE clip...

    Leppertsy : My company is $8 BILLION. I build hospitals and I love the sick and infirm. That other guy just builds bars. My company is like a quadzillion times bigger than the City of Dallas. I'm rad. The other guy just builds bars. My hair is inflammable. The other just builds bars.

    VOTE FOR THE GUY WHO BUILDS BARS, DALLAS! Don't waste your time with some criscocrotch. Sure, Oakley's a nut about the 'let's tear down the slums' thing. However, he builds bars and we love us some bars. Plus, we think Leppertsy is a douche.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:26 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    Best story of the day

    Walter Matthau and his wife had taken a trip to Auschwitz. As they were about to enter one of the gas chambers with their tour guide, a woman runs up to him.

    "Oh my God, Mr. Matthau!" she screamed. "I am such a huge fan of yours! Would you mind giving me an autograph?"

    "What?" he responded. "Absolutely not. That's completely inappropriate. I can't believe you would even ask me that here." With that, him, his wife and the guide go into the chamber.

    About an hour later, he's walking out of the compound, and the woman approaches him again.

    "I just want you to know," she says "You ruined my trip to Auschwitz!"

    via Michelle Collins' You Can't Make It Up.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 26, 2007

    I want my rent...

    I present to you, The Landlord from HELL

    The Landlord

    See more here...

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 17, 2007

    China hates them some McBlogger

    Now I know why we don't have any readers in Mainland China. Via Dungeon Diary comes the Great Firewall Of China where you can find out if your site is banned in the PRoC.

    Just FYI... we love us some Taiwan! Fuck a bunch of CommieChina! To paraphrase The Mayor (who made this comment on an unrelated subject), go shit in your hats.

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    China hates them some McBlogger

    Now I know why we don't have any readers in Mainland China. Via Dungeon Diary comes the Great Firewall Of China where you can find out if your site is banned in the PRoC.

    Just FYI... we love us some Taiwan! Fuck a bunch of CommieChina! To paraphrase The Mayor (who made this comment on an unrelated subject), go shit in your hats.

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 03, 2007

    You think your job is high stress - High Power Job

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    You think your job is high stress - High Power Job

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 02, 2007

    McBlogger goes to Baton Rouge

    A few thing this trip...

    My flight to Houston was not that bad and my rowmate was the hawtness. He also had a wedding ring which made me hate his bitch wife.

    As we were boarding there was a late arrival who CUT in line. As I focused my anger into what I hoped would be a laser like beam that would burn through his head, I noticed he was wearing a thin white tee that he had tucked into his pants. Underneath, he had a beater on. Which made me feel bad for him. Pity always fucks with vengeance.

    While sitting in Terminal B at IAH, I was wondering what the hell Houston has against air conditioning (yo, bitches! It's fucking hot!) while listening to this group from Detroit that's annoying as hell. I sat down in an empty area with one other woman. Then they filled in. And they were stupidly talking about dumb things like how unbelievable it is that the airline should charge for an exit aisle seat!

    I can't believe it either, Sylvia!

    Shortly thereafter, I'm sitting on a shuttle bus which, I'm told, will take me to my plane. Yay! When we arrive at the plane, I notice that it's oddly familiar... but it's NOT the Canadair Region Jet. It's the Embraer 145 Regional Jet. Produzido em Brasil. One seat, then the aisle, the two seats. Trust me, if there were another way to get to BR, I would have taken it.

    The funny thing is that the flight wasn't too bad. Until about 10 minutes prior to landing when the old man in front of me decided to share his intestinal gas with all of us. I spent the next SEVERAL minutes breathing through my sleeve.

    I gotta say, I like Baton Rouge... nice people, great food and good drinks. It's fun being in a southern state with a Democratic Governor.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 29, 2007


    The Mayor, Sister Ruth and I are sitting at Mother Egans listening to an irishman cover Willie Nelson.


    In truth, he's not bad though the brogue does seep in at times. And he's dressed like a welder, which creeping me and The Mayor the hell out...

    Posted by mcblogger at 06:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack


    The Mayor, Sister Ruth and I are sitting at Mother Egans listening to an irishman cover Willie Nelson.


    In truth, he's not bad though the brogue does seep in at times. And he's dressed like a welder, which creeping me and The Mayor the hell out...

    Posted by mcblogger at 06:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 26, 2007

    True Stories of the Salon

    I got my hair cut yesterday. I've been going to the same place for years, mostly because the lady that cuts my hair does a swell job, gives me a massage and is absolutely hysterical. Not just a little funny, a whole walking talking bag 'o crazy funny. That check I write every three weeks is soooo worth it for her stories.

    No, she's not insane, she's just a marvelous storyteller of the first rank. Every single time I look at the little card I carry in my wallet and see that my appointment is coming up, I get a little happy. Because I know I'm going to get some damn funny stuff (and candy... she's all the time about the candy). Today's story was just wonderful, so funny in fact that I'm choosing to share it with you people. Even though you've done nothing for me recently. It's because I'm a giver. It's my crime.

    Before I tell you the story, I have to give you a little background... Stylist and I hate one of her co-workers. I don't mean a little bit hate, I mean a lot hate because the woman is a bitch. She's constantly interrupting Stylist with one of her dumb stories and Stylist tries to act like she cares, but I know her. She's secretly hoping that bitchface will burst into flames (she's told me as much on several occasions. Normally, something like that coming from someone who has some VERY sharp scissors VERY close to my brain would be alarming. You just have to know Stylist). 'nuff said? OK, I'll move on...

    Stylist, in very hushed tones, told me that earlier in the day, bitchface had a pedi that happened to be some older man. Apparently, when she was done, old man had a problem getting his shoes back on. And no shoe horn could be found. So, bitchface decided to let him use Stylist's SPOON. The spoon she brought to work for soup. For cereal. For stirring tasty things into coffee and tea. And bitchface picked it up and said "Use this" to some guy trying to put his shoes back on.

    I was appalled but died laughing nonetheless. I asked her what she did with the spoon. She replied

    "I threw it away. I don't want that spoon anymore."

    I LOVE the lady that cuts my hair!!!

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 16, 2007

    Alanis My Hump

    I LURVE it when celeb's rip on one another...

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:46 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 15, 2007

    This is what my kid will be like...

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:17 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 11, 2007

    Music that makes the ears bleed

    In the past I have fared well with gifts of mix tapes/CDs. I still listen to a CD that an ex made me, but I think that's only because he managed to include The Dead Milkmen's 'Punk Rock Girl'. I fucking love that song! Anyway, I have listened to friends tales of woe so I can sympathize with receiving a bad compilation. It must inspire a vast array of feelings from "Eeww, I need to get away from this person" to "So this is what you think of me?" I think that is part of what makes this clip so fucking hilarious! Enjoy!

    Posted by barfly at 03:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 01, 2007

    April Fools!

    The Mayor and I had thought about dummying up a fake McBlogger for April Fools Day. Instead, we went to drinks and changed the plan to instead just redirect the site, for the day, to something boring like Greg Wythe's House of Stupid. However, I just woke up and am running late.

    So, that's what the Confession Time post was all about. I wrote it to be obvious, so if you sent me an email asking if I was serious, I'm going to hold that over your head. Because you're retarded.

    Posted by mcblogger at 05:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Confession Time: I'm Republican and Straight...

    Last night, around 12:01, I realized that it was time for me to finally come clean with y'all. I'm totally a Republican who loves pussy. Seriously, y'all, I had sex with some random girl last night and loved it. Then, in the afterglow, we talked about how great President Bush was and how much we admired

  • Tom DeLay

  • Dennis Hastert

  • Pat Robertson

  • Tom Craddick

  • Rick Perry... even though we have issues with the TTC
  • We're getting married next week and moving to Virginia (it's for lovers) so that we can be closer to the epicenter of the Republican Revolution. I will be taking a job with Grover Norquist's Americans for Fax Reform and Mindy (that's the girls name) is already pregnant with our first child (what can I say...) and will be staying home to raise the baby (and those that will follow) while I shall venture forth into the world to provide for them. Because that's the way it should be... A Daddy who goes to work, a Mommy that stays home and tends the house (with the help of our loyal housekeeper, Mayebeth) and raises the kids.

    Anyone know of a good megachurch in Northern Virginia? Actually, nevermind... you godless Democrats wouldn't know a good megachurch if you ran into it with your Prius. I'll ask my new b-fri Ann Coulter to recommend a place. I'm sure she knows them all.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:30 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    March 28, 2007

    He was on his way to Wednesday church service

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    Hypocrisy can be sooo amusing at times!

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 23, 2007

    As Joe Hill said

    Don't mourn, fuckin' organize!

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 01:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 22, 2007

    Relaxation tips...

    McSweeney's has some great tips up on how to relax at work


    Sit down at your desk with legs crossed and head rotating. Gently place ears and teeth on floor. Lift. Repeat.


    Stand with knees detached, holding pelvic area extended in front of body at shoulder level, eyes closed. With neck open, take six deep breaths. Repeat.

    If you can do that head thing, I still have the restraining order in place. You KNOW who you are.

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 14, 2007

    The old Unicorn Defense

    Sister Ruth predicts that by the end of the week Alberto Gonzales will be using this himself.

    Montana man blames unicorn for drunken-driving crash

    Prosecutor Ingrid Rosenquist said Phillip C. Holliday Jr. initially denied driving the truck involved in the March 7 crash in Billings. He told officers at the scene that a unicorn was driving, she said.

    Holliday, 42, pleaded not guilty Tuesday to felony charges of criminal endangerment and drunken driving. A pickup truck drove through a red light and nearly struck another truck in the intersection, according to court documents. The driver then made an erratic U-turn through a gas station, crossed the street and crashed into a light pole. Nobody was injured.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 04:26 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    For the math nerds out there...

    Happy Pi Day!

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 12, 2007

    39% gets shunned

    A McBlogger informant called Saturday to tell me that she was at the 4A UIL State Basketball Tournament. During half-time, they did the awards ceremony for 2A and announced 39% would be handing out the award.

    And NO ONE CLAPPED as 39% walked out. No one stood. Our informant described it as the silent treatment for 39% which should surprise no one. I mean, come on, you can't go through your time in public service being a complete douche and not expect people to treat you like shit.

    In case you hadn't realized it, Texas is now a full fledged swing state. People are SICK of the one party bullshit and what they've realized is that all the things they thought they hated about Democrats are really things they despise about Republicans. 2008 is going to see Democratic control of the House and possibly (if candidates will get off their asses) in the Senate return to Texas.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:14 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    February 18, 2007

    Gong Xi Fa Chai, Y'all!

    Happy Chinese New Year to everyone!

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    February 15, 2007

    28 Day Slater

    via TeamTigerAwesome

    Posted by mcblogger at 05:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    28 Day Slater

    via TeamTigerAwesome

    Posted by mcblogger at 05:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    February 08, 2007

    Presenting the Annoy-O-Tron

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingOh, I'm excited and you know how wrong that can be. The picture up on this page is of an ugly little device that can provide hours of fun. It's the Annoy-O-Tron, the little gadget that's dedicated to driving people crazy. People you select.

    Imagine the possibilities... the bitch down the hall? Drive him/her slowly mad by placing this device (even using the convenient magnet) in an out of the way place, setting it (it emits a squeak at 2Khz, 12Khz or alternating) and then activating it. The automatic timer never runs it at exactly the same time which is guaranteed to slowly drive the target insane.

    The best part? Set it and forget it (just like the Showtime Rotisserie)! The battery lasts for weeks!

    Posted by mcblogger at 06:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Presenting the Annoy-O-Tron

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingOh, I'm excited and you know how wrong that can be. The picture up on this page is of an ugly little device that can provide hours of fun. It's the Annoy-O-Tron, the little gadget that's dedicated to driving people crazy. People you select.

    Imagine the possibilities... the bitch down the hall? Drive him/her slowly mad by placing this device (even using the convenient magnet) in an out of the way place, setting it (it emits a squeak at 2Khz, 12Khz or alternating) and then activating it. The automatic timer never runs it at exactly the same time which is guaranteed to slowly drive the target insane.

    The best part? Set it and forget it (just like the Showtime Rotisserie)! The battery lasts for weeks!

    Posted by mcblogger at 06:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    February 05, 2007

    Kerry euthanized

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingWASHINGTON, DC -- Fans nationwide were saddened Monday after Senator John Kerry was finally euthanized due to his deteriorating condition. Kerry, a rising star on the political circuit, won the Kentucky Derby but failed to win the presidency in 2004 after a leg injury. After extensive surgery, he was initially thought to be recovering quite well, but ultimately had to face political reality.

    Although even just last month supporters were optimistic and doctors said he "might one day run again," those hopes turned out to be futile. After a botched joke ostensibly making fun of American troops in Iraq, Kerry's status was offset so much that he was unable to recover. Last week he announced he would not run for president in 2008, and over the weekend his owners in the Democratic party in honor of his spirit and style decided against and then made the final decision to euthanize him.

    See the rest of the release here

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 28, 2007

    Why self cleaning toilets don't belong in clubs...

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 24, 2007

    Sweep The Leg

    Seriously, sweep the leg, Johnny. Just scroll down a bit and click Just WATCH THE VIDEO.

    And yes, it's safe for work. Unless embarrassment makes you wet yourself.

    Posted by barfly at 11:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 18, 2007

    Anita and Griffin

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Bless their hearts!

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:05 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    Anita and Griffin

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Bless their hearts!

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:05 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    January 13, 2007

    Breach that southern border, cowboy!

    Anna over at TexasKaos sent this to me... and it soo has to be shared. Just a note, this is not really safe for work. But it's Saturday and really, you shouldn't be at work (I finished mine last night along with a bottle of scotch!).

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:07 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 12, 2007

    For you and your monkey helper

    Some helpful hints from TSA for those who will be traveling with 'Monkey Helpers'

    Monkey Helpers

    * When a monkey is being transported in a carrier, the monkey must be removed from the carrier by the handler prior to screening,
    * The monkey must be controlled by the handler throughout the screening process.
    * The monkey handler should carry the monkey through the WTMD while the monkey remains on a leash.
    * When the handler and monkey go through the WTMD and the WTMD alarms, both the handler and the monkey must undergo additional screening.
    * Since monkeys may likely draw attention, the handler will be escorted to the physical inspection area where a table is available for the monkey to sit on. Only the handler will touch or interact with the monkey.
    * TSOs have been trained to not touch the monkey during the screening process.
    * TSOs will conduct a visual inspection on the monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection.
    * The inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection.

    Is it just me or are you too thinking about Planet of the Apes?

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Koufax Awards... the first chance to vote in 2006

    Text courtesy of Vince at Capitol Annex...remember, when you vote you have to include the URL's. You can vote by sending this ballot to koufax | at | nic-naa | dot | net.

    Texas' progressive bloggers had a heck of a year in 2006. From TexRoots to exposing scandals like CondoGate, we "crashed the gate" and rocked the (Texas) House, helping Democrats up and down the ballot.

    Now, it's our turn for a little recognition. Every year, the Koufax Awards
    honor work by the best bloggers of "the Left" (hence the award being named
    after a lefty baseball player, Sandy Kofax).

    The Texas Progressive Alliance has, as a group, come up with a "Texas
    Ticket" that we are asking all of our readers to nominate for the Koufaxes.
    The "ticket" is below. Blogs with the most votes will make it into the
    second round of voting and we'd like to see Texas blogs up for the finals in
    every category of the Koufaxes.

    Voting is easy. All you have to do is copy the list below and paste it into
    the comments section on the Koufax Awards site, which is here .

    You can add additional blogs to this list as well, but we do ask, in the
    hopes of supporting Texas bloggers, that you vote this entire list,
    especially since all it requires is a "cut & paste."

    Best Blog : Off The Kuff ( , Burnt Orange Report
    ( , Texas Kaos ( , Capitol Annex

    Best Blog -- Pro Division: The Agonist (
    Best Blog Community: Texas Kaos (

    Best Writing: Charles Kuffner, Off The Kuff (

    Best Post: [INSERT YOURS HERE]

    Best Series: Capitol Annex's Coverage Of The Renewal Of The Voting Rights
    ent-renewal-2006/); Burnt Orange Report's 40/40 Project
    (; Musings's Coverage
    Of State Rep. John Davis' $1,500 Boots (& Various ethical problems)

    Best Single Issue Blog: Grits For Breakfast

    Best Group Blog: Burnt Orange Report (

    Most Humorous Blog: People's Republic of Seabrook ( ,
    McBlogger (

    Most Humorous Post: McBlogger
    (, Burnt Orange
    Report: ( )

    Most Deserving of Wider Recognition: McBlogger (, Musings

    Best Consonant Level Blog: Capitol Annex ( , McBlogger
    ( , Musings ( , Bay Area Houston
    Blog ( ) , Eye On Williamson County

    Best Expert Blog: Grits For Breakfast ( , A
    Capitol Blog (

    Best New Blog: North Texas Liberal ( ,
    Texas Kaos ( , Musings (

    Best Human Equality Blog: Dos Centavos (

    Best Coverage of State or Local Issues: Burnt Orange Report
    ( , Eye On Williamson County ( ,
    Capitol Annex ( , Off The Kuff (

    Best Commenter: The Pretzel, Texas Kaos

    Yes, I'm pimping the hell out of the blog. You bet. The Mayor and I both thought it appropriate, even when we were sober.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:33 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    January 04, 2007

    Excellent Advice from 2006

    FleshBot managed to capture some of the best sex questions/advice from 2006. Here's a sample

    I always wanted to experiment with putting liquids in my rear; is this unsafe or risky? The kinds of liquids I had in mind would be like lotion, baby oil or condiments like vinegar, barbeque sauce, ketchup, olive oil, or a tiny bit of Tabasco sauce (just to feel what its like). Do you have any comments on this?

    Posted by mcblogger at 05:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    Excellent Advice from 2006

    FleshBot managed to capture some of the best sex questions/advice from 2006. Here's a sample

    I always wanted to experiment with putting liquids in my rear; is this unsafe or risky? The kinds of liquids I had in mind would be like lotion, baby oil or condiments like vinegar, barbeque sauce, ketchup, olive oil, or a tiny bit of Tabasco sauce (just to feel what its like). Do you have any comments on this?

    Posted by mcblogger at 05:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    January 02, 2007

    But is it art?

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    (hat tip to Kate's Studio)

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 31, 2006

    Happy New Year

    My cab is on the way and I started drinking a while back. Have fun and be safe tonight...DWI's are way more expensive than cabs, yo!

    Posted by mcblogger at 06:19 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    December 30, 2006

    Wanna end the possibility of nuclear war?

    Let's make sure that, in the event of a nuclear war, the leadership understands that it won't survive. All military leaders above the rank of Brigadier General and all civilian leaders including legislative and executive will be subject to automatic execution without trial.

    There will be no leadership bunkers and those that exist currently should be dismantled.

    If we can't get rid of the damn bombs, let's make sure the people who will make the decision to use them will die along with the rest of us, or be executed by the survivors. Seriously, what good would they be anyway in the world they ruined? After all, it will be their 'leadership' that led to the use of nukes.

    I know, the Constitution would have to be amended. OK. I know that it sets up the possibility for a nasty coup, though the coup planner would probably be included on the list of those to executed. As for the compliance of other nations, I guess we could use Prompt Global Strike.

    Maybe it is a useful program after all.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 19, 2006

    The perfect Christmas gift for that special woman in your life...

    OK, I'm going to have to start recording SNL when I go out on Saturday...

    Posted by barfly at 11:45 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    December 18, 2006

    Christmas gifts for straight boys...

    You know, it's hard for straight boys at times. If they want to get laid regularly, they need a 'fuckbuddy' or 'girlfriend'. Usually, the former morphs into the latter in kind of an ugly way. In much the same way that the adorable kid your mom has pictures of grew up to become your spastic ass. Now there is something to help alleviate the pain, the NUE Disposable Vagina

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Yes, it's amazing technology. It provides you with "at least 1% of the pleasure that woman gives". I know, I know... you're thinking 'Why would someone make a disposable vagina?' Well, as it turns out, they made it for a number of reasons. "Aren't you having ignorance sex? ... unprotected sex? Aren't you hurting your partner? How are your distant partner doing? NUE is seriously working to exterminate AID, SID, and Rape." Allow me to translate... If you're not good in bed, this is for you. It won't give you AIDS and you can't hurt the disposable vagina with your giant horsecock. Of course, the damn thing is only about 6" long so I don't really think that's a problem for most of the people who will use the disposable vagina. Oh, and if you're thinking of raping someone or in a long distance relationship (or both) this will help you get over that desire. Which is totally rad.

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingMoving on, for the computer nerd in your life there's this lovely USB powered pole dancer. What better way to say to that gross co-worker "Hey, pal. I know you're not getting any. Here's this." than with a pathetic caricature of a real girl? Yeah, he's helped you get your computer working again after your retarded ass downloaded a bunch of spyware. Show him that while you may think of him as a loser, you're all about the love (man).

    The best part about USB pole dancer? No dollar bills accepted! WOOHOO! (hat tip to Gizmodo)

    Merry Christmas, y'all!

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 09, 2006

    Rejected "Daily Trauma" submissions

    I know you, like me, read Seventeen Magazine month after month. I have ever since my mother bought me a subscription when I was 17. What follows is a rejected "Daily Trauma" submission:

    Volleyball was starting and I had to get my physical. I was sitting there waiting in my hospital gown when the door opened. Instead of some crusty old doctor, the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen walked into the room. He looked more like a TV doctor than a real doctor! He started to check my vitals, and I felt my stomach start to flutter. He poked and prodded, and my stomach started turning flips. Doc Hottie started feeling my tummy. He pushed on my bellybutton and whammo-bammo! I bump-set-pooped all over the examining table! I was so embarrassed I just sprinted out of the room! Talk about a Spalding tattoo ... with diarrhea!
    —Tara, 16, San Diego

    See the rest of the freaks here at McSweeney's.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Rejected "Daily Trauma" submissions

    I know you, like me, read Seventeen Magazine month after month. I have ever since my mother bought me a subscription when I was 17. What follows is a rejected "Daily Trauma" submission:

    Volleyball was starting and I had to get my physical. I was sitting there waiting in my hospital gown when the door opened. Instead of some crusty old doctor, the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen walked into the room. He looked more like a TV doctor than a real doctor! He started to check my vitals, and I felt my stomach start to flutter. He poked and prodded, and my stomach started turning flips. Doc Hottie started feeling my tummy. He pushed on my bellybutton and whammo-bammo! I bump-set-pooped all over the examining table! I was so embarrassed I just sprinted out of the room! Talk about a Spalding tattoo ... with diarrhea!
    —Tara, 16, San Diego

    See the rest of the freaks here at McSweeney's.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 06, 2006

    A little Cheney in the works

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingMary Cheney, daughter of Vice-President Dick Cheney (seriously, you didn't know that? You're pretty dumb) is great with child. Mary is the Cheney who suffers from The Lesbian. This is her first baby with partner, Heather Poe who is similarly afflicted by The Lesbian.

    No one knows the identity of the father though we do have OUR suspicions.

    I gotta say, I think it's wonderful that rich, white Republican lesbians can have kids while the party they've worked so hard to put together denies us (The Gays) the ability to adopt. Of course, if I had a womb... well, they'd probably ban me from using that as well.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 05, 2006

    Friedman's still not getting it on Iraq

    WOW. To read Tom Friedman, you'd think we could just stay year after stupid year in Iraq.

    Given this, we need to face our real choices in Iraq, which are: 10 months or 10 years. Either we just get out of Iraq in a phased withdrawal over 10 months, and try to stabilize it some other way, or we accept the fact that the only way it will not be a failed state is if we start over and rebuild it from the ground up, which would take 10 years. This would require reinvading Iraq, with at least 150,000 more troops, crushing the Sunni and Shiite militias, controlling borders, and building Iraq’s institutions and political culture from scratch.

    He's right. Unfortunately, it's not our fight and while we can crush the militias, what we'll have to do to achieve that objective will forever alienate the Iraqi people, many of whom have FAMILY in those militias. Even now, today, Friedman just still doesn't get what a failure this has all been. Never forget Friedman was a supporter or the invasion and has remained steadfast. My take on this is that he's unbelievably obstinate at best, crazier than a bag of hammers at worst.

    Of course, via ELLN, there is another take on Mr. Friedman's column...

    In fact, the only thing America did wrong in its "effort to bring progressive politics or democracy to this region" was not coming down hard enough on this darky riff-raff: "Had we properly occupied the country, and begun political therapy, it is possible an American iron fist could have held Iraq together long enough to put it on a new course. But instead we created a vacuum by not deploying enough troops." Instead, we took it easy on them -- I mean, Jesus H. Jiminy Cricket Walker Christ, we only killed 600,000 of them; what kind of pussyfooting around is that? -- and look what happened. A Sunni insurgency sprang up, whose only goal -- whose ONLY goal, mind you -- was to make America look bad: "America must fail in its effort to bring progressive, etc., etc. America must fail – no matter how many Iraqis have to be killed, America must fail." What was their "only one goal" again, Tom? Oh yeah: America must fail. Not a single ding-dang one of them ornery critters ever had any other motive whatsoever to take up arms against an army of foreigners who had invaded and occupied their country.

    Honestly, when I read Friedman's piece I wasn't thinking it had racist overtones. However, reading the analysis linked above...

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 04, 2006

    Flying high...

    If you're like me (I'm soooo sorry if you are) you hate the inane magazines that airlines provide in the seatback as well as a ubiquitous SkyMall catalog. Apparently, we aren't alone.

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPenned by the comedy troupe Kasper Hauserthis parady of those banal catalogs is well worth the read. And I totally want a Llamacycle. Pick up a copy and see a few sample pages at Amazon.

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 02, 2006

    I knew this day would come

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 31, 2006

    Happy Halloween, Bitches

    Happy Halloween, kids (and McBlogger-ites)! I love it! This year I am going to be a bumblebee! Can you dig it? I love it so much I think I will wear my costume to ballroom dance class. Yes, that's right, I'm taking ballroom dance lessons. It is a lot harder than you think. My partner is really good, and picks up the steps right away. I am not so fortunate. Photobucket - Video and Image HostingMr. Happy Feet just moves along like that spry little Joey Lawrence, and I plod along after him like a brain damaged Clydesdale. I think he is trying to sabotage me. He likes to give me a shove when I go to twirl just to hear me squeal. I chalk his behavior up to the fact that he is an actor. He says it might help him land a future performance in a play if he knows how to do these dances. I guess I can see that. I don't see it helping me any. I don't think anyone is going to buy a house because I can tango.

    Anyway, finding something interesting to write about has been more difficult that sitting through an entire episode of 'Breaking Bonaduce'. Have things been kinda boring, or is it just me? Here are the few things that gave me pause.

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingI really don't care if she adopts that baby or not. I really don't get what the big stink is about. After Brad and Angelina this kind of thing is just old hat. Something did occur to me as I was looking at a pictureof Madonna. She is starting to resemble the dried apple head I made in kindergarten for Halloween. If you had a childhood, you know what I'm talking about. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Britney & new baby
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    It seems the little tyke is not named Sutton Pierce. I was actually glad to read this. I know I'm weird, but I never liked that name. Sutton rhymes with mutton. Babies as meat is so Jonathan Swift. Anyway, it seems they have named the baby Jayden James, which is totally gay. I even know what part of the float he is going to be on (the bantamweight at the front of the float, dancing with his arms in the air). However, I strike it up to his influence that Britney is starting to dress better.

    Mary Kate and Nicole
    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingCome the fuck on! I know this is an overtired subject, but it has seriously gone on for too fucking long! Seriously, look at her. I could pick her up and stir my scotch with her. Now Nicole Richie is in a treatment facility for nutrition. It is delaying the taping of another season of 'The Simple Life'. Get it together baby girl! Those average joes aren't going to annoy themselves! Irritation is the one thing you do really well. Get to it!

    NBC & The CW
    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingThe Weinstein Company has accused NBC and the CW of banning ads for the Dixie Chick's documentary 'Shut up and Sing'. I sincerely hope that is not the case. I might expect such behavior from NBC, but CW, say it isn't so! How can the home of 'Veronica Mars' be so foolish? Pull your shit together and grow a pair! It's not like you can't use the money or that you're too classy to run this.

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingI was in Toys "R" Us last week looking for a birthday gift for my 5 year old cousin. I thought it would be fun, but it proved exceedingly difficult. Every toy seemed too retro or too tacky. Do little girls still play with Cabbage Patch dolls? Anyway, I checked out a phenomenon that I had heard about on 'The Soup'. BRATZ! Now I have been told that I tend to be somewhat old fashioned, but this is incredibly fucked up! Are we training a nation of little girls to be scantily clad baby prostitutes? Kumi. Yasmin. Jade. Roxxi. Sasha. That is not a list of cartoon characters. That is roll call at a brothel. I checked out a talking Bratz doll. The box was designed to allow you to press the button to try it out and instructed you to ask the doll a question. I asked, "Oh omnipotent Yasmin, should I purchase a wildly inappropriate doll for a young impressionable child that might possibly lead her to desire a future in the sex trade?" The doll's answer was "Hard to say." I went with my gut and decided against it. She is going to have to make do with watching that slutty crap on TV. I'm glad I'm aware of it though. If my cousin starts talking like a bobble headed valley girl I will know where to place the blame.

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingAnyway, everyone deserves a good fright on Halloween...Now, I love, love, love Dolly Parton so I am not going to rip into her. Although the photo does make me a little concerned for Dakota Fanning. No, now that I think about her performance in 'War of the Worlds', the little wench deserves whatever she gets. I hate her and her retard dolphin scream.

    Posted by barfly at 02:00 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

    October 30, 2006

    "It hurts"

    No real reason to post this, other than that I found it funny. Chalk it up to a slooooow day.

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:32 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    October 29, 2006

    McBlogger's Humor Tips


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    Todd Staples and his GIANT freak head. Always funny, day or night. Sister Ruth would call it a 'laff riot' because she has a good sense of humor and thinks funny things are, you know, funny. That, unfortunately, is mitigated by the fact that she's also pretty lame for using phrases like 'laff riot'.

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    Martha Wong in cowboy drag.

    Not Funny

    Stupid attack ads that try to imitate the style of South Park and fail miserably. Oh, so very, very miserably.

    Super Not Funny

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    Martha Wong and her retard bangs. Girl, 1958 called and it wants it's hair back!

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:03 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

    October 24, 2006

    Horses for Radnofsky

    Now only if they could vote.

    Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate Barbara Ann Radnofsky received the endorsement of the International Fund for Horses. Vivian Farrell, president of the fund, declared support after Radnofsky announced her opposition to horse slaughter.

    Two of the three horse slaughter plants operating in this country are in Texas. Polls show that a majority of Texans are firmly against horse slaughter and support federal legislation amending the Horse Protection Act to make horse slaughter and export illegal. H.R 503 passed the U. S. House of Representatives 263-146 and is now awaiting a vote in the Senate.

    Radnofsky said, "I absolutely support the bill. I call on my opponent to denounce the over-breeding fueling the market for slaughtered horsemeat."

    Such silliness.

    Posted by spamburgler at 02:37 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    Just out of curiosity...

    Am I the only one that thinks the Discover Card ad with the scissors jumping around on the street cutting up credit cards is a little creepy? Especially the part where the baby throws a credit card to one? Still don't know what I'm talking about? Does this ring a bell?

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    What happens if the scissors get a little overeager and decide to clip a finger or two? What happens when they turn on the humans? It could happen, you know, when we run out of credit cards to feed their insatiable need to clip. Will they then turn on people close to the ground like the woman lying there innocently?

    I'm overthinking this, right?

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:18 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

    October 05, 2006

    Q&A with our bud, the Ayatollah

    (We're looking for subjects for our next Ask A... column and would love if some of the retards hyper-intelligent people who read McBlogger would suggest some ideas. Promise, we'll listen to them. The Mayor and I are all the time praising you guys. Seriously. We even do it when we're not drunk. Granted that's not often, at least for me, but The Mayor loves y'all. Hit us up at

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingIt's RAMADAN, the Muslim holy month, which is extremely important in Islam. You know, just saying RAMADAN sounds exciting, doesn't it? Like a time so chock full of possibility that you can barely sit still. The parties, the laughter, the fun...

    Oh wait. I just looked at the Aytollah's website (people have computers and net access in Iran? I thought they frowned on porno) and it turns out my excitement about Ramadan is way misplaced. It's about fasting. What're they, Catholic? Here's a sample:

    Question: There is a medicine for asthma patients, which is in the form of a spray containing a vapor-borne powder which enters the patient’s lungs through the mouth providing him relief. At times, asthma patients need to use it several times a day. Is it permissible to fast while using such a spray?
    Answer: If it is compressed air mixed with medicine in the shape of powder or gas and enters the throat, the fast’s validity is problematic. If fasting without using it is difficult or impossible, using the medicine is permissible. However, it is a caution not to perform any other invalidator and to make qaḍā’ of the fast without using it, if possible.

    Fasting?!?! Oh. Hell. No. Fasting=no fun and I loves me some religion with fun. Without potluck dinners and the hidden alcoholism, church is just so... well, it's church. About as exciting and fun as watching grass grow. Or Rick Perry talk about what a fabulous leader he is while Evan Smith sucks his cock. See what I'm saying?

    Still if you're religious (read : non-Methodist heathen) and interested in Islam you should check out the Ayatollah's site and find out why Religion magazine named Islam 'the second least fun religion'.

    The least fun? Whatever in the hell in the Amish practice. They said that totally blows.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:16 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

    October 04, 2006

    A song for the ages...

    In honor of the George W. Bush buttplug, Kuffner sent a link to a wonderful song you should all hear.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    October 02, 2006

    In which Barfly tortures our mother's dog

    This is my mother's dog in her Halloween costume. People can be so cruel to animals.

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:33 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    September 11, 2006

    If you don't laugh at this you have no sense of humor

    Be careful with this, boys and girls...there is profanity in it so turn the speakers low and make sure your boss and that jackass co-worker are out of earshot.

    (KF you sooo rock)

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:06 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 28, 2006

    The good old days...

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Seriously, can you think of a more wholesome image than the Jackson's?

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 25, 2006

    A helping hand to those in need

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingBritish 'rock star' (whatever in the hell THAT means in an age where girls actually WANT to have sex with Keith Richards) Pete Doherty managed to really irritate the 'go to rehab and get clean' crowd last week when it was revealed that he snuck some coke (a little pick me up) to a teenager in the same facility.

    That kid has got the hook UP. Not only does he score in rehab (hard but not impossible) he has a rock star BRINGING it to him. It reminds of the time I was going to a CAP-D meeting and walked into the wrong room. I was pretty drunk by that point so I didn't think it unusual that I didn't recognize anyone. I sat down in an empty chair that had been placed with others into a circle and broke out my flask.

    Let me tell you, I would have helped those poor people out if it hadn't been for Mr. 10-Year-Chip asking me to leave.

    I just hope when my time comes and I'm forced into The Betty that there is someone nice to help me get through the rough spots, know what I mean?

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 23, 2006

    I would sooo love to see this on the 35

    ( via Bluebonnet at PinkDome)

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 13, 2006

    The most important thing you will read today

    Is probably not this story.

    North Platte man tells police the CIA will repay the money he stole from Subway; arrested anyway

    Joshua Shores told the police that his job making sandwiches was a ruse – that he actually was an undercover agent for the Central Intelligence Agency.

    Shores said that he didn’t have his badge. He had told other friends that he had lost it and was working menial jobs until the CIA could replace it.

    In an apparent effort to toss around big names, Shores revealed that he was actually the son of President George Bush.

    The story Shores told didn’t do him any good. He was arrested and jailed.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 04:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 11, 2006

    The final word from Harry

    Just now, as I was sitting here finishing my very important work (read:cocktail), I received the following email from Team McBlogger's resident attorney, Harry Balczak:

    I want to let you all know that a particular news item from the last day or two has led me to an epiphany about how I can make a more meaningful contribution to the good of society. It's been great being your friend and going to conventions together and the like, but where I'm going, I can't take you all with me. Goodbye to all of you. It's been fun.

    So if some day off in the future you think you see me walking along the streets of Austin, understand that it's not me....It's Fred Astaire, Republican candidate for ....whatever the most important statewide race is that year. I would leave you all with a forwarding address, but what the fuck? anything of value you might send to me i'll just mail back anyway.

    Perennially and insincerely yours,

    I know you'll join with all of us here at McBlogger in wishing Harry Mr. Astaire the best.

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:23 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    August 04, 2006

    Driving while canine

    Neighbors: Dog Drove Car Into House

    Neighbors say a dog was behind the wheel of a car when it smashed into a Cumming house and then crashed into another car parked in the garage.

    The owner of the delinquent doggie, a contractor, told police he left the animal in his car while he worked on a nearby job.

    He left the engine and the air conditioner running because of the heat.

    Neighbors believe the dog somehow knocked the vehicle out of park and sent it careening into the house.

    But wait, it gets worse. In a drunken tirade to police, the dog blamed the Jews for all the neutering and leash laws in the world.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 02, 2006

    Quote of the day and best screen cap in months

    Last night at the TTC meeting in Manor, a Hank Gilbert supporter said the following:

    Hank actually knows Texas agriculture. Todd only knows how to cash a lobbyist's check.

    Then, via Nate at Common Sense comes this... the most perfect screen cap I've seen in a long time (and the number one thing I'd like to tell Todd Staples)

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 01, 2006

    This should piss off someone

    Something Awful, as part of Photoshop Phriday, recently ripped on collectibles. I missed it because I've been busy but WAS able to catch up this morning. That's where I found this gem...

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    That's right, folks! Bad taste and nothing else... who else would post this a little more than 24 hours after something about making soy sauce outta pubes?

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:36 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    July 27, 2006

    Visuals We Didn't Want of Our Parents

    How would you like to be the Republican Senator of Minnesota? Um, not so much today (nor being a Republican ANYDAY!) But I wouldn't want to be the Senator, getting a call from the cops that my Dad is doing it in the back seat of a car in a parking lot.

    Ok, there are SO many things wrong with this story....

    "Coleman's Father Cited for Lewd Conduct
    Police charged the 81-year-old father of Sen. Norm Coleman (R-MN) and a female companion "after officers reported seeing them engaged in a sex act in the parking lot of a popular pizzeria," the St. Paul Pioneer Press reports.

    Coleman issued a statement: "I love my father dearly. I do not condone his actions or behavior, and I am deeply disturbed by what I have learned. He clearly has some issues that need to be dealt with, and I will encourage him to seek the necessary help."

    Posted by at 05:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 16, 2006

    When man bites dog that's news they say

    And when dogs start running people over...

    OGDEN, Utah - A police dog that was left in a pickup with the engine running apparently knocked the vehicle into gear and ran down a woman who was walking to her mailbox.

    The dog, a German shepherd named Ranger, had been left in the truck while its handler responded to a domestic disturbance call Tuesday, police Lt. Loring Draper said. The truck’s engine was on so Ranger would have air conditioning.

    Draper said Ranger must have hit the shift on the steering column, putting the automatic transmission into gear. As the truck slowly rolled forward, police officers yelled to Stone, but she couldn’t get out of the way in time, he said.

    A front and rear tire ran over her. “She had tire marks on her clothes,” her husband said.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 09:06 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 15, 2006

    You call this an Apocalypse?

    Turn your speakers on.
    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 14, 2006

    Life sucks when you think Wal Mart is fancy

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 13, 2006

    Censor yourself

    Ever wanted to have that super cool black censor bar look IN THE REAL WORLD? Now you can!
    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    These Stupidiotic Black Bar Censor Bar Glasses are crazy. “On their own, Black Bars appear to be ridiculously silly looking sunglasses. In a social setting, they instantly become the life of the party. Inhibitions fade away. You’re immediately popular with the “IN” crowd. Others will wonder if you’re famous or dangerous. Stupidiotic Black Bars look and photograph just like censor bars.” Great idea.
    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting(Courtesy Ektopia)

    I LURVE the name of this company!

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 12, 2006

    Texas tribe seeks to bitchslap Ralph Reed, take his illgotten gains

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image HostingThe Alabama-Coushatta tribe of Texas, the Indian tribe ripped off by infamous Republican lobbyist (I LOVE writing that), Jack Abramoff, has taken the step of filing a civil suit against him and his accomplice, Georgia Lt. Gov candidate RALPH REED who is running as a Republican.

    An East Texas American Indian tribe denied the right to run its own casino filed a lawsuit today against disgraced Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff and his associates, including Ralph Reed, formerly of the Christian Coalition and now a candidate for Georgia lieutenant governor.

    The lawsuit brought by Alabama-Coushatta tribe of Texas in federal district court in Austin accuses Abramoff, Reed and three other associates of misleading Texas lawmakers to kill legislation in 2001 that would have legalized casino gambling by the East Texas tribe.

    The defendants are accused of hiding the fact that they were being paid by a Louisiana tribe to defeat gambling in Texas. They are accused of conspiracy, fraud and racketeering.

    Reed, according to the lawsuit, used his contacts in the religious community to make it appear there was a groundswell of opposition to the gambling bill from religious organizations.

    I certainly hope the soon-to-be-poor Ralph Reed will be able to enjoy living on Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinners.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:47 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    So I go to look at email...

    and found the following...

    Subject: **VL-JUNK** With Penis Enlarge Patch you can wrap your long penis around your waist instead of the belt.
    From: ""
    Date: Wed, July 12, 2006 10:35 am
    Priority: Normal
    Options: View Full Header | View Printable Version
    You inherited a small dick from you father @nd think there is no way to help it. Penis Enlarge Patch is what you need.

    Normally, I delete this shit but I was reading email sequentially and came up on this. First, the eye grabbing subject...

    With Penis Enlarge Patch you can wrap your long penis around your waist instead of the belt.

    Who would want a dick that big (other than Harry who would no doubt use it to intimidate opposing counsel and mesmerize a jury)?

    The second thing that grabbed my attention...

    You inherited a small dick from you father @nd think there is no way to help it. Penis Enlarge Patch is what you need.

    Of all the things that make up the cruel joke that is my genetic inheritance (why these bitches LOVE greasy salty food so much is a mystery), that has to be cruelest. Way to cut deep at a point of deep personal shame. I thought my baby penis was only known to myself a few others. How DID they find out?

    It had to be one of my exes. So I called them all. They, of course, being the liars I remember, denied any knowledge but thought it was H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S that I would get a penis enlargement email written in such a way. So, I had to have them killed.

    You understand, right?

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:52 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 10, 2006

    Just consider it part of your severence package...

    About a month ago, National Semiconductor announced that earnings were great and so they would be giving their employees video iPods. Yay.

    This month they laid off 35 workers in Arlington (you know, because business is just so good) and (like I could make it up) asked for the iPod's back.

    A person who called the Star-Telegram claiming to have been one of the 35 laid-off workers said many employees at the Arlington plant were under the impression that the iPods were theirs to keep. Some had sold them or given them as gifts, according to the caller.

    "Nothing was ever said about ever having to give it back," the caller said. "If I'd known it was company property, I never would have picked it up."

    I've heard of companies doing some tacky shit (I DID tell you about my last trip to CA, right?) but I don't think I've ever heard of someone giving back a gift... especially after being laid off. That's just hella shitty.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 09, 2006

    Ten Commandments of mobile etiquette

    Infoworld has some commentary up on the proper use of cell phones.

    3. Thou shalt turn thy cell phone off during public performances. I'm not even sure this one needs to be said, but given the repeated violations of this heretofore unwritten law, I felt compelled to include it.

    I'm guilty of some of these, especially talking on a plane as it's taxiing, though my conversations are never banal. So, if you've been on a plane with me and I've 'forced' to listen to my conversation, sorry. Not really, but it sounds nice, doesn't?

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:00 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

    July 08, 2006

    Random photosop fun

    Caption this...

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    (courtesy of Sister Ruth who pulled it off DU)

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Everyone's taking off their clothes in Austin

    Some of y'all are nasty. Seriously, there have been 62 incidents of indecent exposure in Austin in 2006 and we're only in July.

    From Fox7

    Austin police arrest a man they say is caught on video exposing himself in a popular department store.

    Police say 32 year old Allen Bradley Bell was taken into custody last night. His bond is $10-thousand dollars.

    Store employees spotted the man in the woman's shoe section at Neiman Marcus on Thursday.

    A store spokeswoman would not comment about the incident, she only said the store is working closely with APD.

    Detectives say this man has publicly exposed himself on numerous occasions, including an incident in an alleyway at the Aboretum.

    A bit more detail (suprise, suprise) from the Statesman.

    Granted, it was only Neiman's Last Call but come the fuck on. It's bad enough you're going to Neiman's garage sale (yeah, I've been there and that's what it is)... don't add humiliation by flashing people.

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:52 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

    July 05, 2006

    Ken Lay dies dot com

    really, this is one of those times where less is truly more.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:57 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    July 02, 2006

    A weary nation asks

    How much longer must we wait for the snakes on a muthafuckin' plane?

    But in the meantime, enjoy dogs with fireworks.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 10:19 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 30, 2006

    McDonald's opens in Africa

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    (via You Can't Make It Up)

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:11 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    June 29, 2006

    Wonder if the attorney accepts Amex?

    PinkDome had a post up yesterday about the political consultant in the Valley who was convicted of molestation. Or something strangely like molestation. Then today I get this from Aerialist

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Judge not

    Lest ye be judged

    Awkward Moments Abound in Penis Pump Trial

    Serving on the jury in an indecent-exposure trial unfolding in this conservative Oklahoma town has been a giggle-inducing experience.

    Former Judge Donald D. Thompson, a veteran of 23 years on the bench, is on trial on charges he used a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others.

    The white-handled sexual device sits before the jury box for hours at a time. Occasionally an attorney picks it up and squeezes the handle, demonstrating the "sh-sh" sound of air rushing through the contraption's plastic tubing.

    The jurors sometimes exchange awkward looks and break into nervous laughter when the testimony takes a lurid turn.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 10:46 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 26, 2006

    Pot Belly


    OMAHA, Neb.
    Police in Omaha, Neb., report finding a man's pot stash hidden in a roll of stomach fat.
    Officers said they stopped the 5 foot 8 inch , 250-pound man because his car was blocking traffic.
    According to authorities, when an officer smelled marijuana in the car, he searched the man and found a baggie of the illegal weed.
    The man was ticketed on suspicion of possessing less than an ounce of marijuana and obstructing traffic.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:05 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    June 25, 2006

    Waking up to MLWTTKK

    I have my alarm set to radio and got a real treat this AM. My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult spinning into The Verve. I think the alarm is set to 94.7 so if you're out there Mr./Mrs. 94.7 DJ, I got it!

    YOU ROCK! More TKK!

    Update: Sorry, should have known it wasn't 94.7. It was actually 101X which has apparently made some big improvements.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 20, 2006

    Jesse's Song

    I'm going to be out of pocket for a bit tomorrow... I'm going to the dentist to have my teeth sharpened. So, posts may be a little lite. To amuse you, I offer this...

    Oh, come on! Everyone loves Saved by the Bell.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 19, 2006


    Last night, Team McBlogger (read The Mayor and myself) met for drinks and little informal discussion on possible topics for some of our regular features. You know, the 'regular' features that we post occasionally but because we've done more than one we think of them as 'regular' even though they are as infrequent as a man who has just eaten a pound of really sharp cheddar (we've heard stories ... some of you are SICK).

    Of course, like most of our editorial meetings, things quickly turned south when Gardner Selby showed up and started acting like he was part of the team. I guess he was hoping we wouldn't notice given our inebriated state. However, McSleaze did notice and I really hope he is able to get that shoe cleaned (it was pretty gross when it came out of Selby's ass). So, we're SOL as far as potential interviewees (sacrificial lambs) for our Ask A... feature. Y'all have any ideas? Check out previous installments of Ask A... to see where we've been. Obviously, a kitten that escaped from Bill Frist is out, as is another interview with Lee Raymond.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:53 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    June 13, 2006

    There are planes and then there are really shitty planes

    My company loves meetings. Whether it's a conference call or a face to face, they love to get us all together. Unfortunately, they're also cheap ass bastards which is why I flew out last Tuesday morning AT 6. In the morning. I had no idea that even EXISTED as a time to start your day. Certainly a time to go to sleep, but fly? Oh. Hell. No.

    Still, I did manage to make the plane (even though I was still on Ed Blustein at 5:15). Actually, I'm being charitable by calling it a plane. You know how people deride ATA and Southwest as the Greyhound of the skies? This was worse. America Worst, evidently in a race to the bottom with Mongolian Airways, has decided to start flying what I can only describe as the Ford Festiva of airplanes, the Canadair Regional Jet.
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    Two seats on either side of an aisle that's really only a path. My seat was next to the aisle. The rowmate was already there, a fellow overflowing the seat, sweating, who smelled faintly of Jim Beam. Fatty McFatterson didn't think we needed the armrest down as it would have disturbed his gelatinous belly (in honesty, I'm not svelte by any stretch of the imagination. However, I CAN fit in an airplane seat).

    As I resigned myself to sitting next to the incredible slob, my buddy for the next two hours and twenty minutes, the screaming began. The source was a child... not a baby, a four or at the most five year old girl with a set up lungs a diva would envy. She wasn't happy about the early flight either and I was sharing her displeasure with the entire cabin. I did mention it was 6:00 in the morning, right?

    As we got to altitude, I opened my book and read. If you haven't read David Sedaris (or even if you have) you should REALLY grab a copy of Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim. It was probably the only thing that kept my mouth shut when my rowmate decided to readjust his position and plant is ample ass squarely in contact with my hip.

    Needless to say, I NEEDED A BLOODY MARY WHEN I GOT THE AIRPORT. Oh, and a cigarette. Thank GOD for Sky Harbor and their lax smoking policy. Just a suggestion, if you find yourself connecting through Phoenix stop by the Fox Sports Bar in Terminal A. All I'm saying.

    Next 40 hours are mostly a blur. Meetings. A Cocktail party. A good time at a bar in Newport Beach. A lovely night's sleep at the Radison Seventies Porno in Newport Beach (seriously... you gotta see this place. The lobby looks the way you'd think John Holmes' pad would look). More meetings. A trip to the airport and almost losing my Blackberry (thanks SNA Airport Cops!) board the plane and come back to Phoenix where I board (after a ninety minute delay)... come on, you had to see it coming... ANOTHER FUCKING CANADAIR REGIONAL JET 900.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:33 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    June 12, 2006

    Seriously, I thought he was dead

    While the Mayor and I were waiting for people on Thursday evening, we had some drinks in my room. As we watched MSNBC we were treated to an interview with Tim Russert.

    McB: I thought Tim Russert was dead.
    McSleaze: No, only his credibility.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:52 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 01, 2006

    Rip 'n' read time!

    I love headlines!

    Bush Admin. Wants to Cut Meth Use 15 Pct

    Good. Baby steps, George. Baby steps.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:37 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    May 30, 2006

    Fight Club for Nerds

    "This is as close as you can get to a real fight, even though I've never been in one," the soft-spoken Siou said.

    Broken teeth and bones; bruises and lacerations about the face and neck; scarred knuckles. Siou, these are all signs of a real fight. If you are walking away with these then you've been IN A FIGHT.

    Siou is one of a growing number of former math nerds in Silicon Valley who evidently didn't get the trophy wives, exotic cars, massive homes and phat ESOP's that some of the higher level nerds received during the dot bomb boom. These guys got the shit end of the stick and crave something real... man on man contact, but with fists instead of handjobs.

    They are part of an adult 'fight club' that's formed up in Menlo Park, a suburb of San Francisco. When gaming is no longer enough, they turn to violence but not to solve disputes. They want to beat each other up which is cool since it makes things easier for the jocks in sales who every once in a while like to pound a little nerd ass.

    Men involved in fight clubs often carry bottled-up violent impulses learned in childhood from video games, cartoons and movies, said Michael Messner, a University of Southern California sociology and gender studies professor.

    "Boys have these warrior fantasies picked up from popular culture, and schools sort of force that out of them," he said. In these fantasies, "The good guys always resort to violence, and they always get the glory and the women. Math nerds, even the ones who grow up to be huge in the software industry, don't get the women. Unless they pay."

    There is also a sadomasochistic thread running through underground fight clubs, said Michael Kimmel, a sociology professor at Stony Brook University in New York.

    "Real-life fight clubs are the male version of the girls who cut themselves," he said. "All day long these guys think they're the captains of the universe, technical wizards. They're brilliant but empty. "They want to feel differently. They want to get hit, they want to feel something real. At the very least, for an hour or so, they won't feel like a math nerd."

    According to the founder, the movement is really akin to something spiritual.

    Gints Klimanis, a 37-year-old software engineer and martial arts instructor, started the invitation-only "Gentlemen's Fight Club" in Menlo Park in 2000 after his no-holds-barred sessions with a training partner grew to more than a dozen people. Most participants are men working in the high-tech industry.

    "You get to be a superhero for a night," Klimanis said. "We have to go to work every day. We're constantly told to buy things we don't need, and just for a couple hours we have the freedom to do what we want to do."

    DUDE... you are SOOO cribbing from the fucking movie.

    One last time for the math nerds who didn't get the fucking memo: FIGHT.CLUB.WAS.LAME. Helena Bonham Carter was the love interest for fucks sake.

    Posted by mcblogger at 05:06 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    Pissed at the MSM? So's Tom Tomorrow

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    See more at Tom Tomorrrow's website, This Modern World.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 26, 2006

    GIANT liquor stores in Austin? Thank you, Santa!

    Spec's, a Houston based mega retailer of booze and something known as 'fine food' which means nothing to me, is opening three stores in Austin. Locations for the next year include the 290 and Brodie (which a friend tells me is 'down south', whatever in the hell that means), The ArborWalk at the 360 and MoPac and somewhere near Highland Mall.

    For the readers in Houston Metro, let us know what you think about these folks. I'm excited. Anything that has WAREHOUSE paired in some way with LIQUOR has got to be good as far as I'm concerned. These beer people seemed to like them though this is kind of faint praise since I don't really get beer.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:40 PM | Comments (16) | TrackBack

    May 22, 2006

    Molested at the Hancock Plaza 24 Hour Fitness - It's not as funny as you'd think.

    I went to the Travis County Delegation meeting Saturday then afterward to lunch with some great friends one of whom works out at the 24 Hour Fitness at Hancock Plaza here in Austin. Apparently, one night this past week, a female member was swimming when a male member, pulled out his member and began to 'enjoy' himself. While watching the woman swim. At this point, most of the group I was with died laughing because it's funny. Then the reality sets in and you realize this woman was molested, which kinda sucks all the comedy out of the moment. Then you get the willies and and ask what happened next.

    The woman was of course freaked out and reported it to management WHO.DID.NOTHING. Then she went to corporate.

    I spoke to district manager Becky Most around 3:15 pm, who reviewed the security tapes and admitted that the man was, in fact, visibly masturbating. She admitted that the problems with sexual predators is an "ongoing problem at this location." If you work out here, you need to know this to protect yourself, because the club has no intention of doing so. Becky Most said "It's a public club, we can't be everywhere at once. Swim at your own risk." It is not a public club, I paid a hefty initiation fee in addition to a monthly fee, which I thought was access to the clubs without harassment.

    This is honestly, one of the biggest fuck up things I've heard about in the last several months (and I'm including the recent Special Session). Beyond the fact that it's gross, what if this guy had decided to rape her? Oh sure, it's all fun and games ('an ongoing problem at this location') when it's just some random jackass rubbing one out. What the hell are they going to do when someone decides they want more than that?

    You can see the whole story, in every graphic detail, here. If you're a member of a 24 Hour Fitness, you might want to consider cancelling your membership and going elsewhere.

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:00 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

    May 17, 2006

    Bad PR from the folks at AT&T

    From a friend in Austin who shall remain nameless. Because he/she is a freak about his/her name being mentioned on a blog. Seriously.

    AT&T sent out this mailer to customers recently, as in the last few days... as the story about the NSA call tracking was breaking. From AmericaBlog:

    For those of you who are a little slow on the irony side of things, read what AT&T wrote on the front of the envelope. You'll recall that AT&T is one of three companies alleged to have voluntarily helped the NSA spy on its customers.

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    Posted by mcblogger at 09:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 14, 2006

    Tom and Katie breaking up; Cruise with Clone

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingApparently, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have broken up. Tom, seen here with new girlfriend Su Yi Kim, is reportedly working it out amicably with Holmes to settle the property acquired during their relationship and the custody of their minor child, Sumi.

    Little is known about the Korean woman who's 'stolen' Cruises heart, other than that she is apparently a partial clone of Cruise himself.

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 10, 2006

    Huevos, hermano... HUEVOS.

    The Statesman has a piece up about a 51 year old Round Rock man who was arrested for stealing gas. Now, drive-off's happen all the time so I didn't think much about it but still felt compelled to click the link and found this...

    Travis County Sheriff’s investigators charged Hoskins with the theft of more than 1,000 gallons of gasoline and diesel from a Southeast Travis County gas station’s underground storage reservoirs while he appeared to be powerwashing the station’s parking lot.

    WOW. Not only was he stealing from his employer, a practice more common in the US (be honest) than sneezing, he was stealing big. Not post-it's, pens or scotch tape... this fucker stole more than ONE THOUSAND GALLONS OF FUEL.

    HUEVOS. Big, solid gold huevos.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 28, 2006

    Oh, no... Troy Aikman has fallen into a black hole of LAME

    I opened up my home email today to find Troy Aikman whoring himself, this time for a company called InterBay Funding. Who are they? A minor commerical lending company that accepts brokered commercial loans from Mortgage Brokers (commercial and residential). Exciting, right?
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    I remember the days when Troy shilled for auto dealers in the Dallas area and Acme Brick. To see him reduced to this... is just sad.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:20 PM | Comments (20) | TrackBack

    April 26, 2006

    Welcome new writers and George and Tony go clubbing...

    Welcome to new writers Harry Balczak and Barfly (formerly known as my sister). Thank God... now take up some of the fucking slack bitches because Mayor McSleaze and I are exhausted. As always, if you have a tip or a comment, send it on to!

    A friend (let's call him Kyle) sent this to me last week and I noticed it again today when combing through emails...

    Just click the pretty picture!

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:04 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 17, 2006

    Saturday Night Live is funny?

    (this is the first of what will likely be many installments from someone known as my sister who shall remain nameless until she decides on one)

    I normally find other, better things to do on a saturday night rather than watch TV at home. Dates... drinking... going on dates WHILE drinking... you see where I'm going? Imagine my suprise when I found myself home one recent saturday night with nothing to do and watched (for the first time in years) Saturday Night Live and saw Natalie Portman doing this fucking awesome video.

    If you're wondering, it was the shit in the shoes that really made me laugh. I've used a variation on it with a friend of a guy I was seeing who was, is and will always be a complete tool.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:10 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 14, 2006

    Did he ask her next to pass peas to a Republican?

    Oasis Magazine has a great interview up with Bob Smith. My FAVORITE quotes:

    "I was going to tell my parents I was gay. I made my carefully-worded announcement at Thanksgiving. I said, 'Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?' She passed it to my father and a terrible scene followed."
    Of course, his actual coming out happened because he was doing gay material in his stand-up act. He returned home to visit his parents and had some of his joke with him, which he keeps on three-by-five cards.

    "My mother, not even being nosy, looked at them and said, 'These jokes are about being gay. Are you gay?' She totally surprised me, and of course, I said yes. And she said, 'how long have you known you were gay?' And I told her, 'since junior high school.' She said, 'that must have been hard. Our family has gone through so much. But look at the Moorlands across the street with those retarded grandchildren, and I started laughing and said, 'Oh Mom, thanks for that comparison. I love that analogy," he said.

    "The Catholic Church says it's OK to be homosexual as long as you don't practice homosexuality. And I think it's OK to be Catholic as long as you don't practice Catholicism."

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 10, 2006

    I SOOOO want to see this...

    This could be the absolute BEST.MOVIE.EVER.

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    I got bored for about five minutes this evening in between Entourage and The Soprano's so I checked out the blog of someone I LOVE... Michelle Collins You Can't Make It Up and found a movie I simply have to see. Here's an except of her post on this brilliant film...

    A premature crack baby abandoned in an inner city dumpster embarks on a surreal journey through a landscape of urban decay in directors James Bickert and Randy Hills' "Dumpster Baby". Left for dead and doomed to die, the helpless child's chances for survival fade with each passing minute. The young infant's will to survive is strong though, and in the following days the struggling child encounters a series of bizarre characters ranging from an adulterous surgeon to a malevolent street pimp and a crack-smoking hooker whose motherly instincts offer a shimmering ray of hope in the child's bleak future.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:10 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    April 06, 2006

    I honestly can't think of anything that would make this funnier...

    Three people were arrested after the brawl, described by police as a "baby shower gone bad."

    It WAS a baby shower. It turned into a nightmare (especially for the guy who was shot) for them, pret-a-porter comedy for us!

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    April 01, 2006

    Photoshop Phriday... X 2

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    This week is magazine title literalism and the previous week was truth in movie titles... here's a sample

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    Posted by mcblogger at 04:06 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

    A letter from my mother's dog...

    Explanation: YES, this is a letter written in the voice of my mother's dog by my sister. Lest you think we're complete freaks, understand that a) THE FUCKING DOG IS CUTE AS HELL b) my mother thinks of the dog as one of our siblings (thus, the salutation)... have I ever mentioned that we drink A LOT? Yeah, yeah... I know this is self indulgent as hell but you'll love the pix

    Hey brother! I haven't seen you in a while, so I thought I would write. Check out my lovely spring collar! I am so excited about it! I think it is important to stay in touch with current trends. Even though I can run with my baby, and play a mean game of ball, I am still a puppy princess! Paris Hilton's dog Tinkerbell has nothing on me. I'll kick that bitch's ass! I don't play! Anyway, I hope things are going well for you. I'll see you later! Love, Mattie

    And here is the princess in all her glory... on the bed in my room at my mother's house, which I found out during my last visit, is now hers.

    Schnauzer's SOOOO rock!

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:23 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

    March 31, 2006

    Snakes on a Plane... DENIED

    While visiting Michelle Collins' You Can't Make It Up earlier today I happened upon a post that had a trailer embedded in it for SNAKES ON A PLANE. I clicked... I begged... I motherfuckin' pleaded to see me some Snakes on a motherfuckin' Plane and YOU TUBE DENIED ME.

    I spent an inordinate amount of time being mad at them (and yelling some nasty things that made my computer sad) before I got through to You Tube only to find that the trailer had been pulled by the studio.


    In leiu of the trailer, please accept a screen cap courtesy of Tremble.
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    Posted by mcblogger at 12:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 29, 2006

    The greatest threat to our children is this...

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    This is a Treasure Chest Claw Machine and while it's not yet claimed the life of one of our precious tykes, it's well on it's way to doing so. As KARE 11 reports, these machines are luring many children (3 that we know of, possibly many more) into their toy bins.

    Devin Haskin isn't the first little boy to find the inside of a toy machine too enticing to resist. When the 3-year-old Austin boy crawled through the discharge chute of a Toy Chest claw machine at a Godfather's Pizza here, he ended up on the other side of the glass surrounded by stuffed animals.

    See the how masterfully insidious their plan is? They LURE our young into their clutches with promises of stuffed animals and other enticing prizes. They also take countless tokens from those who are unable to resist their evil pull and are too big to fit through the discharge chute.

    Already Congress is gearing up to take action.

    ... Congressman Tom DeLay (R - Texas) said , "While little Devin was rescued there are others I know about whose time grew short while surrounded by cheaply made plush toys." After a brief pause to wipe away a tear, he continued. "It's time for us to put aside partisan politics and ridiculous investigations and instead focus on the greatest threat to our children, Terrorist Toy Machines."

    A memorial fund is being established by the McBlogger crew in an effort ease the pain and suffering of the children who've found themselves victims of these heinous machines. All money donated will go to the fund, minus a small administrative charge*. Please email to find out how to contribute.

    *99% of the funds recieved

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:45 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

    The most trusted brand in the US?

    Oh, I think not...

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    The Sharper Image, purveyors of crappo consumer products, are advertising their Ionic Breeze air filtration system as coming from the most trusted brand in America. I thought that was Toyota or Honda...

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:52 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 24, 2006


    Sometimes you see something of such breathtaking beauty that you can do nothing other than stop and silently marvel at the sheer magnificence of the creatitivity of which some mortals are capable.

    This is that something.

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    If you, like me, thought the Bedazzler was a triumph of mediocrity then you will love the newest single from Leslie and the Lys. Some would argue that the Bedazzler itself isn't as cretinous as the things that some people (usually in trailer parks) 'create' with it. You should stop hanging out with these people because while the bejeweled sweatshirts and sequined denim jackets are, in fact, quite repulsive, it is the machine that enables them which really deserves the scorn.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 16, 2006

    Crazy old bitch...

    Yesterday Wonkette had a story up about an op/ed piece written for the 'Kitsap Peninsula Business Journal' by one Adele Fergusen who is one heck of a gal! I was too lazy to blog it last night because... well, I was tired of writing. And I'd had drinks with some great friends. Lot's of drinks. Needless to say, I didn't think it was best for me to write this post through a haze of scotch. That's me, Mr. Responsibility (cohabitating nicely with Mr. Fuck-It-Let's-Have-Drinks)! Always thinking of you!

    Unfortunately for my lazy ass, the article dissapeered overnight...

    Or, at least the editor thought it did! Thanks to the miracle of the internets and that wizard Wonkette has on staff you can read the piece in it's entirety after the jump. To tempt you, I offer an excerpt...

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    Remember Ronald Reagan’s story about the kid who had to shovel a huge pile of manure? He went about it with such joy he was asked why and said, “With all that manure, there’s got to be a pony in there somewhere.”

    The pony hidden in slavery is the fact that it was the ticket to America for black people.

    That's her! Can you believe that nice looking old lady in her sweatshirt would say something like this? Bitch just keeps going and going...

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    The treatment given President Bush at Coretta King’s funeral was shameful. And these weren’t poor, uneducated black people who “dissed” him. They were among the country’s top-drawer blacks, there to bury black royalty. While Bush got the cold shoulder, former President Clinton was welcomed as if he still held the office.

    I've never before seen the phrase'top-drawer blacks'. However, it DOES make think of a phrase I'd LOVE to hear used to describe me... top-shelf fag. Read the rest after the jump! It's HILARIOUS!

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    Why do blacks continue to support Democrats?
    By Adele Fergusen
    One of these days before I die, I hope to see a shift in the attitudes of so many of my black brothers and sisters in this great country we share, from perpetual victimhood, to pride in their achievements on the road from slave to American citizen.

    Remember Ronald Reagan’s story about the kid who had to shovel a huge pile of manure? He went about it with such joy he was asked why and said, “With all that manure, there’s got to be a pony in there somewhere.”

    The pony hidden in slavery is the fact that it was the ticket to America for black people. I have long urged blacks to consider their presence here as the work of God, who wanted to bring them to this raw, new country and used slavery to achieve it. A harsh life, to be sure, but many immigrants suffered hardships and indignations as indentured servants. Their descendants rose above it. You don’t hear them bemoaning their forebears’ life the way some blacks can’t rise above the fact theirs were slaves.

    Besides freedom, a job and a roof over their heads, they all sought respect. But even after all these years, too many have yet to realize that to get respect, you have to give it.

    The treatment given President Bush at Coretta King’s funeral was shameful. And these weren’t poor, uneducated black people who “dissed” him. They were among the country’s top-drawer blacks, there to bury black royalty. While Bush got the cold shoulder, former President Clinton was welcomed as if he still held the office.

    It mystifies me why the black population remains in thrall to the Democratic party. Black parents want a good education for their children yet they are consistently denied two opportunities that have proven enormously helpful in the few places where they are allowed because the D’s oppose them. School vouchers and charter schools.

    The teacher unions, among top contributors to the Democratic party, oppose them for fear of losing control of the public schools which continue to turn out kids who have to be slipped through graduation by finding alternatives to standard requirements for learning, and where black kids fall behind whites. And what the teacher unions are against, the Democrats are against. Many a school board member is a Democratic activist there to be on the ground floor against vouchers and charter schools.

    In the few places where vouchers to attend private schools and innovative charter schools are allowed, the unions file lawsuits claiming damage to the public schools by diverting the voucher money to poor families and limiting as much as possible the number of students who can attend the charters. They won one in Florida last month.

    Sure, the ultimate solution is to jack up the performance of the public schools, but so long as the unions are running the show, that isn’t going to happen. The unions don’t care if you’re a good teacher, just that you’re a member and pay your dues. It is nearly impossible to get rid of an incompetent teacher. Their interest is themselves, not the kids, and their answer to the poor performance of the schools is more money.

    Black students regularly trail white students because they get the more inexperienced and less qualified teachers and are plagued by low expectations. Results of the use of vouchers and charter schools have been outstanding, yet the Democrats say no, so why do black parents support them? Why do they act the victim?

    Blacks have no Cesar Chavez. Jesse Jackson isn’t going to buck the Democratic Party. Neither is the NAACP. Black parents should confront Democratic leaders at all levels and demand these tools of learning be made available or expanded or don’t count on our vote for your candidates. You’ve let the unions keep your kids down too long already.

    (Adele Ferguson can be reached at P.O. Box 69, Hansville, Wa., 98340.)

    Posted by mcblogger at 10:57 AM | Comments (34) | TrackBack

    March 14, 2006

    Imagining a better baby bib...

    The forum goons at SA were busy reinventing the baby bib... here's a sample of their excellent work:

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    and my personal favorite

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    See the whole collection at Something Awful.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:52 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    February 27, 2006

    Science... the bane of our existence...

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    Check out more at The Onion.

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:17 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    February 24, 2006

    The Five Most Dangerous Children's Books ever written

    Well, at least according to Sean Hannity...

    1. Clifford the Big Red Dog by Norman Birdwell

    According to a reliable source,* Norman Birdwell, a close personal friend of Karl Marx and adviser to Pol Pot, was a card-carrying member of the American Communist Party. The metaphor is obvious: a big red canine teaches children the importance of sharing and working together. (While cleverly ignoring the consequences of such un-American behavior.)

    Stories include "Clifford Goes to School" and "Clifford Goes to Work, Where He Organizes a Workers' Revolution." Noticeably absent from the collection of short stories are those resulting from the success of the red menace's machinations, such as "Clifford Institutes a Five-Year Plan" or "Clifford Murders Political Dissidents."

    * Former Senator Joseph McCarthy

    See the rest at McSweeney's...

    Posted by mcblogger at 05:03 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

    February 12, 2006

    I just don't know what to say...

    a) You have to watch this.
    b) You have to watch this with the sound on.
    c) You have to tell me if this DOESN'T make you laugh. Especially the bit at the end.

    Rocks, no? I'm thinking an explanation for this would ruin the whole thing.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    February 11, 2006

    Objects in the overhead compartments may shift during flight

    So be careful opening them, you never know what could fall out...

    US immigration officials have arrested a Haitian woman after baggage screeners found a human head in her luggage at a Florida airport.

    Myrlene Severe, 30, has been charged with failing to declare the head on a customs form and transporting "hazardous material".

    She arrived at Florida's Fort Lauderdale airport on Thursday on a flight from Cap Haitien in north Haiti.

    Ms Severe said that the head was to ward off evil sprits, officials said.

    "Severe stated that she had obtained the package, which contained a human head, from a male in Haiti for use as part of her voodoo beliefs," the US Attorney's Office said in a statement.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 09:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    February 10, 2006

    It's that time of year again

    If you've been putting off entering the British Parking Awards, better get that paperwork together... they'e coming up on March 10.

    Will Manchester Council's Andy Vaughan and his crack Red Team defend the title this year? The anticipation is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 12:47 PM | Comments (1)

    February 08, 2006

    You Can't Make It Up : Reasons for my Re-Tardiness

    If this doesn't make you laugh then you probably had a humor bypass sometime in the early 80s.

    Two posts of just links in a row. I'm going for the 2006 Lazy Bitch award!

    Posted by mcblogger at 04:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 30, 2006

    Amazing expression of religious tolerance, part 2345

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    SNN: Georgia church supports selective freedom

    Ecknuramus, Ga. - The First Baptist Church of Eknuramus announced today its campaign to extend religious freedom to those "holding right beliefs," Pastor E. K. Bodcrain announced today.

    Check out the rest of the story on Dave Haigler's DemLog

    Posted by mcblogger at 11:25 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    January 29, 2006

    OK, so I'm guilty of this...

    Everyone's been bothered in the grocery story by some annoying fuck on their cell. That person is normally me and I could give a shit that you're annoyed by my obnoxious conversation. Still I thought the Cell Citation from KnockKnock Stationers (via CoolHunting) was funny and I'd love to see one even though I have no intention to stop having conversations that might be considered a little off color in the middle of Costco.
    Image hosting by Photobucket

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:38 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    January 27, 2006

    Mashing Rosie and Pat

    I got this from a friend recently... I'm fairly certain it old but it's still amusing as hell. Some enterprising soul has mashed up Pat O'Brien's unfortunate voicemail with Rosie O'Donnell from Riding the Bus with my Sister.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:12 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 25, 2006

    I'll stick to my crystal ball...

    I recently saw an ad on TV for a program called The Key Of David. It touted the show as a program that looks at

    current events through the clear eye of biblical prophecy.

    I didn't feel like waiting for next week's show, so I went to the website and found this on the main page, along with a picture of the head (and upper torso) of the host...

    Each week Gerald Flurry discusses world events in the light of Bible prophecy. For over a decade Gerald Flurry has analyzed today's news from a unique perspective, providing answers to life's most pressing questions.

    Image hosting by Photobucket
    Honestly, I didn't know what was funnier... the fact that this guy has been analyzing 'today's news' for more than a decade or that he's been doing it with an eye on biblical prophecy, a subject that has vexed millions over the last 5,000 years. I did start thinking about life's most pressing questions. More specifically, I started thinking about my life's most pressing questions

    1) What's to be made of Yogurt Burst Cheerios? It's gross, right?
    2) When WILL I win the lottery?
    3) Is it the MSG that makes Ranch so yummy?
    4) Will I ever be a little girl again? Even if I'm a boy now?
    5) What REALLY happened to that puppy I had in fourth grade that mother claimed just decided to 'run away'?

    Mr. Flurry has no answers to these questions (or, at least, he's decided not to answer the request I sent out to him VIA MY MIND... come on, if he's a prophet then he should have responded DAYS ago).

    Then I found this on him and decided to make another drink.

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 13, 2006

    The revenge of the 'chop

    lambchop kills.jpg
    Check out more at SA...

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 04, 2006

    Dave, tell us how your really feel...


    David had Billy on his show last night and proceeded to use him much like children use a pinata. See it here...the clip is a little long but well worth it.

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 29, 2005

    Well, I guess it's better than beating the shit outta the little fucker...

    Remember when you were a kid and your parents would use that whole 'If you're bad, Santa won't come' BS? Click here to see it updated for 2005.

    Personally, I don't think it's all that cold especially if the kid was a shit (filling the box with coal is a nice Dickensian touch). It almost makes me want to call my Dad and apologize for the nutty I threw about having to ride with the fam to my Aunt's house Christmas eve.


    Posted by mcblogger at 12:14 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    December 16, 2005

    Within a week I predict no more posts about the War on Christmas...

    Just when you thought the War on Christmas couldn't be any more inane, Political Teen (via Wonkette) has a HYSTERICAL piece up about Sam Seder of Air America on CNN 'bashing' Christmas. The video is about 10 minutes long and well worth viewing. While it's funny to see Seder verbally abuse the War on Christmas douche, the site itself is funny as hell! Just read some of the comments to see what the non-honor roll students are thinking.

    What part of 'I don't want to pay for your piety' don't these morons get?

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:10 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 15, 2005

    Dingell blows a kiss to O'Reilly and Gibson

    STILL MORE on the War on Christmas. The fighting has now spread to the House where retardicans have decided to pass a meaningless resolution... in support of Christmas. I'm not kidding you. Next week they'll be looking to pass a resolution supporting puppies. Or water.

    Rep. Dingell,dingell.bmp not one to let such bullshit go without comment read a WONDERFUL poem into the record. Watch the video here and the full text after the jump!

    Dingell's Poem regarding HR 579

    Twas the week before Christmas and all through the House

    No bills were passed ‘bout which Fox News could grouse;

    Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,

    So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;

    Katrina kids were nestled all snug in motel beds,

    While visions of school and home danced in their heads;

    In Iraq our soldiers needed supplies and a plan,

    Plus nuclear weapons were being built in Iran;

    Gas prices shot up, consumer confidence fell;

    Americans feared we were on a fast track to…well…

    Wait--- we need a distraction--- something divisive and wily;

    A fabrication straight from the mouth of O’Reilly

    We can pretend that Christmas is under attack

    Hold a vote to save it--- then pat ourselves on the back;

    Silent Night, First Noel, Away in the Manger

    Wake up Congress, they’re in no danger!

    This time of year we see Christmas every where we go,

    From churches, to homes, to schools, and yes…even Costco;

    What we have is an attempt to divide and destroy,

    When this is the season to unite us with joy

    At Christmas time we’re taught to unite,

    We don’t need a made-up reason to fight

    So on O’Reilly, on Hannity, on Coulter, and those right wing blogs;

    You should just sit back, relax…have a few egg nogs!

    ‘Tis the holiday season: enjoy it a pinch

    With all our real problems, do we honestly need another Grinch?

    So to my friends and my colleagues I say with delight,

    A merry Christmas to all,

    and to Bill O’Reilly…Happy Holidays.

    Posted by mcblogger at 07:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 12, 2005

    The Governator starring in LoveHandles...

    Apparently, Ahnuld has not been exercising regularly. Or maybe he and Cruz Bustamante are in a race to the bottom of the physical fitness ladder by engaging in a Krispy Kreme eating competition. All I know is, I hope there is something in Maria's prenup about Ahnuld letting himself go.

    Arnold S SummerSkin.jpg

    EWW. Maybe now that we can all see what's under the suit he'll stop deriding his opponents as girlie men.

    Posted by mcblogger at 01:02 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    December 09, 2005

    When a good idea meets a bad illustrator and still more on the War on Christmas

    The lovely people at have a nice piece up about the War on Christmas. They actually went to the additional trouble of writing about John Gibson, the retard who penned the book. Thoughtful and thouroughly engaging; a must read for anyone looking to laugh at the 'vast right-wing conspiracy' otherwise known as FoxNews.

    They go on to double punch in this week's Photoshop Phriday with a tasteful look at Lawrence Shapiro's book, Will They Fly A Plane Into Our House. This is a great example of a good book, ruined by the efforts of what SA describes as the 'world's worst illustrator'. To wit

    will they fly a plane.jpg

    The SA Forum Goons then go on to change the book's cover in some interesting ways... for 17 pages.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    December 08, 2005

    Quote of the Week...

    Or at least one of the candidates for it... answering a question about the President's mischaracterization of his comments to a Texas radio station:


    "It was a little out of context. They kind of cherry-picked that one the same way the president cherry-picked the intelligence going into Iraq," Dean told CNN.

    Full text of the article after the jump.

    WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Democratic Party chief Howard Dean, left, said on Thursday his comment that the United States could not win the war in Iraq was reported "a little out of context," but a new strategy would be needed to triumph there.

    Dean was attacked by President George W. Bush and Republicans earlier this week for telling a Texas radio station that "the idea we're going to win this war is an idea that unfortunately is plain wrong."

    "It was a little out of context. They kind of cherry-picked that one the same way the president cherry-picked the intelligence going into Iraq," Dean told CNN.

    "We can only win the war, which we have to win, if we change our strategy dramatically," he said. "We can and we have to win the war on terror. We can't do it with this approach, with this leadership the president is showing."

    Democrats have offered a range of ideas on Iraq, from quick withdrawal of troops to a gradual drawdown to Connecticut Sen. Joseph Lieberman (news, bio, voting record)'s backing of Bush.

    White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Dean's remarks reflected the Democratic Party's problem developing an approach to Iraq.

    "You have a lot of disarray and disagreement within the Democratic Party," he said. While Bush emphasized a plan for victory, he said, Democrats emphasized "immediate withdrawal of troops or artificial timetables. That's a plan for defeat."

    Dean said Democrats were beginning to rally around a concept of strategic redeployment in Iraq. That plan would gradually phase out most U.S. troops over the next two years, withdraw them from urban areas and bring home National Guard forces within six months.

    The idea that Democrats do not have a coherent plan for the future of Iraq was "mostly press gobbledygook," Dean said.

    "The press wants to focus on the differences. The differences are pretty small, perhaps Senator Lieberman excepted," he said. "We may have some small disagreements on timing. We know the direction we're going on is a very different direction than the president."

    Source: Reuters-Yahoo News.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:41 PM | Comments (467) | TrackBack

    December 01, 2005

    The Register: NZ finds Black Cocks hard to swallow

    Dirty, dirty mind... not THOSE black cocks, the badminton team. I don't know what's funnier, naming a team Black Cocks or the simple fact that there is 'professional' badminton.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:07 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    November 30, 2005

    Most popular fascist ice cream flavors

    1. Swastisicle

    2. Spamussolini

    3. Lebensraum und Cream

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    Perfect Christmas Idea


    Posted by mcblogger at 01:53 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack