March 23, 2010

PSA : Keeping ones mouth shut

Everyone LOVES to brag about their accomplishments. Whether it's something as meaningless as finally gaining the ability to practice law in Texas or as inspiring as making the perfect waffle, people want to share what they're doing and what they're particularly good out.

Even the skeeziest ho will tell you tales, even if you don't ask them, of their sexual talents and how often they've used them. So, yeah, it's human nature to brag, especially about how well you're doing in business. However, even the most inept lawyer would advise their master criminal clients not to, you know, GO ON TV AND SHARE DETAILS OF THEIR CRIMES.

The San Marcos husband and wife, who went on the popular show and trumpeted their moneymaking scheme of shoplifting toys and reselling them on the Internet, were sentenced to prison yesterday by a federal judge.

And Dr. Phil McGraw didn’t get off too easy, either.

District Judge Irma Gonzalez sentenced Matthew Eaton, 34, to 27 months in prison — one year more than prosecutors with the U.S. Attorney’s Office thought was sufficient punishment.

Nora Eaton, 27, was sentenced to one year and one day in custody.

Gonzalez had little sympathy for Matthew Eaton, calling his conduct in running the scheme over two years “despicable.”

But first she went off on McGraw, the TV psychologist who dispenses help on his syndicated show with such catchphrases as the sharp “Get real!” the disdainful “How’s that working for you?” and the unusual “Did you fall out of the dumb tree?”

“What a charlatan this man is,” the judge said during the hearing. “What a terrible, terrible man.”

Gonzalez was perturbed that McGraw holds himself out as a doctor wishing to help. But, the judge said to Matthew Eaton, “he obviously didn’t help you.”

Matthew Eaton’s lawyer said the couple went on the show seeking help for their chronic shoplifting problem. On the program, however, they came across as bragging about their exploits and not appearing particularly troubled.

Instead of helping them, producers egged them on to exaggerate their cases, said defense lawyer Leila Morgan. And the only help they got was free copies of McGraw’s books, she said.

The show was broadcast in November 2008 and, perhaps not surprisingly, it caught the attention of federal law enforcement. A search of the couple’s home in March 2009 revealed about 500 boxes of toys awaiting shipment.

My favorite part was Judge Gonzalez dressing down Dr. Phil who richly deserves it. Thank you, Oprah, for sharing Dr. Phil with the whole world.

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February 25, 2010

Sometimes a Cigar is Just a Cigar...

And sometimes it's a signal for all-out Obama Derangement Syndrome, toe to toe with the Moonies.

image descriptionIt seems the latest thing to get rightwing panties all in a bind is the new logo for the Missile Defense Agency. The knuckledragger crowd detects traces of the sinister Obama logo, the sinister Islamic crescent and moon emblem, and the sinister Iranian Space Agency logo. All of which led Frank Gaffney, who passed for a strategic thinker during the Reagan years and later accused Grover Norquist of being soft on Islam to whine...

Team Obama is behaving in a way that — as the new MDA logo suggests — is all about accommodating that ‘Islamic Republic’ and its ever-more aggressive stance.

Me, I think it looks like the sinister Starfleet logo.

Be that as it may, if this is what's coming from the Big Brains on the Right, what could the rank and file loonies be saying? Luckily, we don't have to wonder, all we have to do is check the comments in the Washington Times.


This looks very similar to the flag of the former Soviet Union. I wonder what type of message we are sending.

You may be on to something there, Wendy. Except for the Soviet banner being red cloth with a hammer and sickle, there's hardly any difference. And what message are we sending? Perhaps that publicly funded mental health care is desperately needed in this country?


Why was this even made? Why are BOTH logos being left on the site? Maybe one to be used when shown among his Muslim friends, and one for the stupid unsuspecting American public who voted for their own demise? So many little signals that mean "nothing". Right. And we don't have terrorist training camps hiding all over the country, either. 'Course not.

First they came for the paranoid flagwavers, and I said nothing.


I certainly didn't vote for this Worthless Excuse of a President and until he shows a long form BC, he will not be my president ever! Obama and his Legion of Demons are America's Greatest Enemy! November, People! End the Legion of Demons Reign!

Paging Doctor Taitz. Paging Doctor Taitz.

I swear, if Jeff Foxworthy ever wants to reinvent himself as a political humorist he could change his tagline to "You might be a batshit insane wingnut if..."

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February 19, 2010

Further Thoughts On Joe The Terrorist

1. His "manifesto" would have been a lot more entertaining if he had posted it in the form of one of those funny "Hitler learns that time spent feeling sorry for himself is not deductible" videos on YouTube.

2. One of the many grievances he held is that for a short time after 9/11, all aircraft in the US were grounded. Ummm, Joe? The idea was the government thought it would be a bad idea if more people crashed planes into buildings. Way to miss the point, dickhead!

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October 09, 2009

A Fire On The Moon

Stung by the furor over NASA's launch of a probe meant to impact the Moon, enabling scientists to look for signs of water, spokesman Herbert Visafloud acknowledged that many Americans are more comfortable with traditional methods of discovery and colonization. The next rocket, he said, would carry a payload of conquistadors, missionaries and smallpox.

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September 03, 2009

Much Ado About Nothing

Just how would you explainn the latest round of Baracknophobia to your visiting Martian friends? Why all the tizzy over the President having the audacity to speak to school kids about the importance of getting good grades? About all I can do is recall that the last time a President sat down to read a book to some second-graders three thousand Americans were killed and we ended up in two wars that are long past their win-by dates.

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August 11, 2009

Hawking fear

I have no investments to speak of, and I'm not really a businessman. But I do know bullshit when I see it, so naturally this scare-mongering editorial from Investors Business Daily caught my eye. The subject is the possibility of rationing healthcare using a system other than our current Only The Wealthy Deserve To Be Healthy method:

People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn't have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless.

Okay, see the funny thing here is that Stephen Hawking actually is... English. Yet somehow he has managed to live all these years with a degenerative disease without some government bureaucrat deciding it was time to wheel him onto an ice floe and give it a shove out to sea.

However, under European Union regulations the IBD's anonymous editorialist might qualify as a vegetable.

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May 27, 2009

Having fun with NAIS

SCS had a great time at a conference here in Austin put on by USDA regarding the National Animal ID System. And they even have some video to prove it.

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April 27, 2009

NYC Mayor Panics As Plane Flies Over Manhatten

Unless it is learned that Dick Cheney has been taking flying lessons, no reason to go apeshit, Bloomberg.

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March 20, 2009

Not the mouth, moron

Apparently, drinking can lead to stupid behavior

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.

“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

Nothing more is available regarding Comrade Loverboy's balls which are presumably (and unfortunately) still able to produce sperm and pass on his faulty genetics.

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March 12, 2009

Take THAT, South Carolina!

Texas is stili the National Laboratory for Bad Government and Rick Perry is still a fuckwit.

Gov. Rick Perry will announce today that he is blocking the state from accepting $550 million for expanded unemployment benefits as part of the federal stimulus package.

With an upscale Houston hardware store as his backdrop, he will paint the expansion as a burden on small business. (AAS)

After all, people who have lost their jobs would just fritter the money away on stuff like food.

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December 31, 2008

In which the US collapses

According to some Russian douche, the US is going to break up. Here's the new map...


Texas a part of Mexico again? Sure. I can totally see that happening. It's about as likely as Texas being joined into a new, smaller union with the likes of LA, AL and MS.

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December 12, 2008

Stupid isn't only a Texas thing

Ladies and Gentleman, I give you New Jersey where they built a commuter rail station... with no where for commuters to park their cars.

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November 03, 2008


According to the NYT, some of you morons are upset that people are getting help to keep their homes.

An airline pilot who lives outside Norwich, Conn., Mr. Lawrence has a traditional 30-year mortgage that he has no trouble paying every month. But, thanks to the plunging real estate market, he owes more on his house than it is worth, like millions of other people.

If the banks, which frequently lent irresponsibly, and many homeowners, who often borrowed irresponsibly, are getting government assistance, Mr. Lawrence says he believes sober souls like himself are also due a break.

“Why am I being punished for having bought a house I could afford?” he asked. “I am beginning to think I would have rocks in my head if I keep paying my mortgage.”

OK, Mr. Lawrence... here's THE DEAL. Your credit is good. THAT'S what you get for not needing this bailout. More than likely, you won't have to give up a percentage of your equity. AND, while you're underwater now, if this keeps up and we don't start helping some of the people hardest hit, you're going to go a lot more underwater and probably lose your job. You dumbass, it's not like this solves just one problem. It takes care of a myriad of problems.


THAT, my friends, is one of the biggest problems with this country. A focus on selfishness to the exclusion of all else, even thought you'll clearly benefit from being a little less self-absorbed. Watch Mr. Lawrence's airline lay people off and see how long it takes him to start asking for help.

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October 23, 2008

Sorry to hear about your mom...

Leave it to Beaver, this ain't. A woman and her son decided to secretly cremate the remains of her mother after she died according to her wishes. On the barbecue. They then decided not to tell anyone so those phat social security checks would keep on rollin'.

Hosler says her daughter, 50-year-old Kathleen Allmond, and her grandson, 30-year-old Tony Ray, told investigators they left the body on her bedroom floor for a week before cremating the remains in their backyard fire pit. They then covered the pit and remains with soil and planted a tree on top, according to investigators. The family's home sits in the midst of a 10-acre olive grove, remote from neighbors.

Detectives say the daughter also fashioned a two-inch piece of her mother's skull into a necklace. Hosler said Ray took a photograph of Kathleen Allmond wearing the necklace, as well as a beaded wire tiara that she believed would ward off radio waves, to post on a social networking Web site.

"It gets really weird when you have a piece of mom's skull hanging around your neck," Hosler said. "I'm not aware of any religion that allows you to burn your family members in the backyard and collect their pension."

I bet Christmas this year with the rest of the family (the ones who weren't set on fire and made into jewelry) will be a little awkward.

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October 11, 2008

If People Don't Want To See A Movie, It's Hard To Stop Them

Pity the poor conservatives. First those evil home-buying minorities wreck their economy, now Hollywood libruls hvae somehow wrecked their movie.

That's right, when An American Carol opened last week, audiences stayed away in droves. How could such a thing happen? A movie making fun of Michael Moore? (Pretty cutting edge, if your calender is stuck on 2004.) And recycling hackneyed storytelling's most beloved Dickensian storyline? Say it ain't so, Joe. It must be... a conspiracy!

The producers of the liberal-bashing satire An American Carol claimed Tuesday that they had received reports of "ticket fraud," and suggested that it could be the reason why the film's weekend box-office figures were so low.

Seriously, guys, Kelsey Grammer plays George Patton? No wonder people would rather watch talking chihuahuas.

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September 24, 2008

I KNEW IT! Clay Aiken Trips Gaydar

As if this post was not foretelling. American Idol pop-singer Clay Aiken has finally come out as gay.

Will Young could beat his ass any day. Actually, I take that back. Forget Clay's ass, really, forget it. Young can beat mine instead.

In the meantime, please enjoy this picture, yet again.


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September 18, 2008

To H--- With The Dons!

Remember the Maine!
Says McCain
I shan't treat with
That fellow in Spain!

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August 29, 2008

TV's Oddest Couple Hits The Oval Office This Fall!


Carrying on where earlier political laff fests like My Bush and Commander in Chief left off, The Ticket For America pairs curmudgeon President Jedediah O'Caine (think of an older, grumpier, somewhat less lovable Walter Matthau) with his unlikely second-in-command Mitzi Palin (sure to be this season's Amy Poehler). Palin's unlikey rise from her youth on the beauty pageant circuit through star of a moose cooking show on Alaskan public access television to being just an unsteady heartbeat away from the Presidency is retold in an ongoing series of flashbacks. Meanwhile, Jedediah spends much of his time hunting for his housekeys and trying to log on to AOL.

In the series premiere, misunderstandings lead to comedy when O'Caine has to leave the Vice President alone in the Oval Office while he attends to some "urgent business'. (The President's "going problem" is a hilarious running joke in the series.) Palin can't resist answering the big red phone despite being warned to leave it alone. Who should be on the line but the Premier of East Atlantastan, an American ally somewhere in the former Soviet Union. He's calling for diplomatic support in a dispute over a border region with his powerful neighbor. The deeply religious Mitzi doesn't understand the strange language and assumes the premier is speaking in tongues, and she replies with her own expressions of religious ecstasy. As hijinks would have it, in East Atlantastanian she promises full military backing for an invasion with their poorly trained army... the laffs go ballistic when Jedediah gets back just as the missiles starts to fly!

The Ticket For America. On Fox Sundays this fall right after Family Guy.

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August 21, 2008

So Gaydar is Real

Another recent study, this time from Tufts University (like THAT doesn't sound like its full of poofs), is lending evidence to the idea that, No Shit Sherlock, Gaydar might work!

Published in July's Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, the study claims that people could guess fairly accurately ("better than chance") whether men were gay or straight by looking at photos of their faces.

For the study, 15 undergraduate students, both male and female, were shown photos of faces of 90 men, evenly divided between gay and straight. The photos were taken from Internet personal ads and from Facebook. The study's lead author, graduate student Nicholas Rule, says men were used in this study for convenience, because they have a greater presence on the Internet than women.

The researchers found that subjects could accurately determine in 50 milliseconds — one-twentieth of a second — whether the men were gay or straight about 60 percent of the time. Rule says all the subjects were accurate 55 percent to 70 percent of the time.
WOW. This is stunning news. To further test this out, I have placed a series of photos below for you to test your skills. Leave a comment with your guesses.





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July 24, 2008

The most dangerous place in the world...

... is in semicelebrity alcoholic Bob Novak's way.

Journalist Robert Novak plowed into a pedestrian on K Street this morning. Novak said he didn't realize he'd hit the 60-year-old man, but an eyewitness told ABC News that the victim was "splayed on the windshield" of Novak's black corvette and that there was no way that Novak could have failed to realize he'd struck the man. A bicyclist caught up with Novak about a block away from the crash and informed him that he'd just hit someone.

Watch the video. Novak was cited for failure to yield the right of way. I hope they gave him a breathalyser test. He's slurring his words pretty badly, two hours after the accident. Novak starts talking about 55 seconds into the clip, below. At about 1:22, Novak becomes almost unintelligible when the reporters ask him how his victim is doing.

The most dangerous place in AUSTIN is in my way. You'll see more on that later today.

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July 09, 2008

This. This is pretty dumb and worthless

You know, rarely does something run in the Times that I think is really stupid. Almost always, it was written by Bill Krystol who is still, inexplicably, drawing a paycheck despite the fact that he's wrong. On everything.

This one, though, took my breath away with it's sheer inanity. Go on read it. Here's an excerpt...

This country is set apart from the rest of the world because of its unparalleled commitment to personal freedom and the dignity of the individual. It is a vision captured in the guarantee of freedom of speech, freedom of religion, due process of law, equal protection under the law and freedom from unreasonable search and seizure and cruel and unusual punishment.

We do not always live up to these aspirations. Over time, we have embarrassed ourselves and tarnished our image as a country that is respectful of civil liberties. We have persecuted dissenters, interned the innocent, suspended habeas corpus, invaded reasonable expectations of privacy. We have even engaged in torture.

What, then, can we do to see to it that we more reliably honor our core values? Here’s a start.

Presidents have a wide range of official advisers. There is a secretary of defense, a secretary of labor, a national security adviser, to name just a few. The next president should create a new executive branch position: a civil liberties adviser. Within the highest councils of every administration there should be a respected public official whose charge it is to defend our civil liberties against all comers.

Doesn't this kind of remind you of the Department of Peace? The author, apparently, doesn't realize that the only way to hold the President to account is to rid the government of those who have aided and abetted him. For that, Congress must act... after the fact, if necessary. What's really driving people crazy right now (aside from the economy) is that Waxman and Conyers are kind of out in the wilderness on their own while Bush continues on as before. Worse, Democrats are cooperating with Republicans, against the public interest, in the name of 'bi-partisanship'.

It's called accountability. We've already got the watchdogs we need. The problem is, they won't act. That's what needs to be fixed.

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July 01, 2008

Eye of Newt (and John Sharp, too)

This was forwarded to me Monday night...

Although my Winning the Future message has always been directed at all Americans, whether they consider themselves Republicans, Democrats, or independents, today I am directing my message specifically to Democrats. And my message is this:

The American people have spoken. Are your leaders listening?
Over 1.1 Million Americans Call on Congress to "Drill Here, Drill Now"

We really had no idea, just 35 days ago when we first posted the "Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less" petition here, that we would provide the spark that has ignited a fire among frustrated, struggling Americans.

So, Newt, what you're saying is that .03% of the American public is as dumb as you are when it comes to energy supply and energy security (two very separate issues)? I'll buy that. Hell, it appears you've even managed to suck that assweevil John Sharp into your stupidity...

Secondly, cut the capital gains tax from 15 percent to 7.5 percent for investments in new domestic energy. History has shown that capital gains cuts produce more revenue for government, not less. These two actions would unleash the economic power of America towards solving our energy crisis by allowing Americans to do what they do best ... produce. This country has never conserved its way to greatness, but many times we have produced our way to greatness.

A couple of things here, John. First, cuts in cap gains ALWAYS normalize. See, it's called 'tax planning' and people do it all the time. Fund managers, for example, will sell badly performing equities leading up to the end of the year, only to repurchase them in January. Why? Because they get to book a loss on the stock, which are then used to offset gains on other sales. Then they get to rebuy at, if they're lucky, a slightly lower price than they got on the sale, covering their frictional costs. THE SAME THING APPLIES TO CAPITAL GAINS. If I'm sitting on a massive capital gain, and legislation changes the rate at a known date in the future to a lower rate than current, I'm going to put off selling that investment until the rate goes down. Then, I'm going to sell. That's why it looks like tax cuts pay for themselves. As long as you don't think too much about it, which John has evidently not done. Next he'll be telling us that deficits don't matter.

Now, on to conservation... we actually did that. In the 1980's. Consumption went down dramatically as people started driving more energy efficient cars. That coupled with increased production led to oil at $10/bbl. However, the overwhelming factor was the drop in demand. That's in process right now.

Look, I'm going to let y'all in on a little secret. Newt's playing politics and quite stupidly as just about everyone knows that it's a lie that there is enough oil on the continental shelf and in ANWR to satiate our demand for oil.

The world’s energy needs are so great that it’s going to take an immediate production increase roughly equal to the output of Saudi Arabia, for there to be significant supply side downward pressure on oil prices. When thinking about U.S. based energy projects, the question offered is: “on aggregate are these projects capable of rivaling the present day output of the Saudis?” If the answer is no then we have to question those who claim that a particular energy project is going to make gas/oil cheaper. It’s probably better to view the projects as a possible way to reduce some of our energy dependence, as opposed to being a solution to the larger energy problem.

The Saudi's produce 12 million bbl/d. ANWR can't fill that. OCS can't fill that. Shale can't fill that. Neither can oil sands. Combined they STILL aren't close and the oil sands, well, they have their own unique problem of natural gas AND there's a possible political consideration. Remember, we've been through this already. One last point for the 'Drill Everywhere' crowd... the capacity TO DRILL is too low to do anything for five years. Which puts most of the OCS output MORE than a decade away.

So what about Sharp's brill idea about tax incentives for solar, wind, etc? Those are all great, but they can't run a car. Unless we have battery technology far in advance of what we have available now. It's coming, but it's a decade away barring some miracle. Plus, most of these renewables already get some pretty nice tax breaks. Tax breaks aren't the issue. Sharp's an idiot for thinking it is when gas fired power prices are approaching those of more advanced PV solar. Sharp's the perfect kind of old school Democrat, too stupid to know what the hell he's talking about and willing to give away the farm when it's completely unnecessary. I'd love to play no limit with you sometime, John. It'll be fun selling your house after I win it.

Some of you budding candidates out there may be thinking about joining with John on this. Don't. Just keep your mouths shut or we'll excoriate you in the same manner. Let the Republicans be the ones who open their mouths and let the stupid spill out.

Here's where all this is heading... within 5 years gasoline is going to be less than $1.50/ gal. It'll probably happen sooner, but I'll run it out 5 years because right now politics is overriding good decision making. I will throw John a bone by letting him know that the market WILL make the decision. See, I know something that John apparently doesn't : Humans don't like restrictions on their growth. When there is a restriction, we find a way around it. You could say we're large like that. We'll do it this time as well, because speculators have rather firmly planted the seeds for their own destruction.

At $140 a barrel, there’s as much incentive as anyone needs to find new sources of oil (such as the tar sands, and even oil shale), and more importantly, substitutes. At $10 a barrel, no one’s going to take the time and trouble to find a way to make an electric car viable. At over $100 a barrel, it’s a Nobel prize winner.

That's what'll create the solution. And no, it won't be shale oil. It'll probably be something like this. Or maybe something better. I know it'll happen because Malthus was wrong and his followers today are still wrong.

One thing's for sure... it won't be drilling, no matter how much Newt and John may wish for it. If it was, you'd already see some new supply starting to hit. It's not there. Speculation has driven prices and as a result, we're now destroying demand as people change their lifestyles. However, it's only part of the problem since the increased price has not sparked additional supply. Which means we're producing at marginal max capacity.

Of course,with Gwahar producing a 28% water cut, THAT data point should be obvious to anyone with a brain. And no, I don't include those 'Drill Everywhere' people in that group. They're hellbent on politics over substance. For them I have nothing but scorn.

It would be nice, John, if rather than parrot R bullshit, you'd start focusing on some real issues. Better yet, just keep your mouth shut. We'll call you when we need you.

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May 28, 2008

Good to see OUR politicos aren't the only stupid ones

Remember that dumbass idea to drop the gas tax? Remember how dumb we thought our politicos were for thinking up such a stupid idea? Remember when we longed for those intelligent and urbane European electeds who would never propose something so crass and stupid?

As it turns out, they're just as dumb. Or at least, French President Sarkozy is.

Pandering has now made the great leap over the Atlantic!

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April 23, 2008

I Got Your Nose! Wait! That Isn't A Nose...

The mark of a good headline is that it compels you to read the story.

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft

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March 09, 2008

Someone put Rachael Ray out of my misery

This weekend, Food Network will be showing (in prime time, natch) Rachael Ray Feeds Your Pets.

This hour-long prime time special combines two of Rachael Ray's greatest passions: food and animals.

Rachael prepares three homemade recipes for her beloved dog, Isaboo, who gobbles them right up!

Rachael Ray Feeds Your Pets entertains and informs as it brings practical advice about safe and nutritious food for your pets.

This bitch and her ersatz food drives me crazy. Anyone else remember her hot dog casserole? Or maybe you remember her other elegant hot dig dishes, hot dog salad or hot dog pizza. This all pales in comparison to her scrumptious ham dip. Girl do lover her nitrates, don't she? Be honest. Even looking at this


makes you wanna throw up a little, right?

If she feeds this kinda crap to humans, just what do you think she's going to feed her dog? The contents of the TB, soaked in EVOO? Why don't you watch it and tell me.

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March 05, 2008

How much is really being held up?

(We're working on the recap... not that any of you psychotics really care. It's pretty clear the lot of you voted to FUCK US in the general by voting for retards. Seriously, re-electing CradDICK D's? Oh, hell... you deserve the 'leadership' you get)

Think the war on drugs is not only essential but going well? You're wrong...

That large number of arrests must also mean they're mainly catching "little fish" with little tangible effect on overall drug supplies. Most of the bigger fish captured, with one or two high-profile exceptions, have come from the Gulf Cartel, which has led me to wonder if the overall strategy of the Mexican government might not be to pick a side in the cartel wars instead of to stop all illegal drugs. The quickest way to reduce violence in Mexico, which after all stems mainly from competition among rival illegal businesses - would be for the government to enforce an informal monopoly for one side or the other, probably the Sinaloa drug syndicate. By comparison, the Sysiphian task of halting all illegal drugs likely cannot be accomplished any time soon, even if it's what the US might prefer.

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February 04, 2008

Good News, Everyone!

Americans are not the only idiots on the planet! According to a recent poll, twenty-three percent of Britons think World War Two Prime Minister Winston Churchill was a myth.

Indian political leader Mahatma Gandhi and Battle of Waterloo victor the Duke of Wellington also appeared in the top 10 of people thought to be myths.

Meanwhile, 58 percent thought Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's fictional detective Holmes actually existed; 33 percent thought the same of W. E. Johns' fictional pilot and adventurer Biggles.

All is not lost, though: 100% still blame Yoko Ono for breaking up the Beatles.

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February 01, 2008

The Week In Smut

Wherever naked buttocks appear, the FCC is there. And a good thing too, because as we all know naked buttocks make Baby Jesus cry.

The Federal Communications Commission has proposed a $1.4 million fine against 52 ABC Television Network stations over a 2003 broadcast of cop drama "NYPD Blue".

The fine is for a scene where a boy surprises a woman as she prepares to take a shower. The scene depicted "multiple, close-up views" of the woman's "nude buttocks" according to an agency order issued late Friday.

FCC's definition of indecent content requires that the broadcast "depicts or describes sexual or excretory activities" in a "patently offensive way" and is aired between the hours of 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.

The agency rejected the network's argument that "the buttocks are not a sexual organ."


Shell was today accused of making "obscene" profits at a time when pensioners, motorists and industry are struggling with higher energy prices when it unveiled annual earnings of $27.6bn (£13.9bn).

The oil major has made British corporate history with the record figures, which are equivalent to more than £1.5m an hour and come at the end of a three month period when crude prices have averaged over $90 a barrel.

Jeroen van der Veer, chief executive of Royal Dutch Shell, described the performance as "satisfactory" and admitted that overall production for the year had actually dropped 2%.

No word yet on the effect of oil profits on Baby Jesus, nor what scale of fines might be anticipated.

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January 16, 2008

Sic Semper tyrannis?

Is Al Edwards just about the goofiest goofball in Crazytown? A week or so ago I would have answered YES but lately I'm not sure if he's even in the top ten:

It is one thing to dangle fuzzy dice from a rear view mirror, but decorating a truck's trailer hitch with a large pair of rubber testicles might be a bit much in Virginia.

State lawmaker Lionel Spruill introduced a bill Tuesday to ban displaying rubber replicas of male genitalia on vehicles, calling it a safety issue because it could distract other drivers.

He said the idea came from a constituent whose young daughter spotted an example of the trail hitch adornment and asked her father to explain it.

"'I didn't know what to tell her,'" Spruill said the constituent told him before Spruill vowed to stop such displays.

When rubber testicles are outlawed, only outlaws will have rubber testicles.

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 10:50 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 01, 2008

The First Rule In A Mic Check...

...You need to be smarter than the mic.

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 12:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 28, 2007

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb

A funny thing happened last week... Paul Burka jumped the shark. Then he ate it.

Burka, while a fabulous writer, has recently been a pretty lame reporter and commentator. Over the last 15 years, as the Republican Party rose to dominance in Texas, he's come to depend on Republican operatives for information on races and what's really going to happen in the Lege. It's been a good move for him since the Democrats were acting like a bunch of retards and the Republicans were definitely bringing their A game. Now that things have changed and the Republicans are disintegrating day by day, it's been a pretty bad bet.

Take some of the recent crap on his blog. From the top in chronological order.

  • Burka posted about Dunnam's release lambasting AG Wheelie for his decision on CradDICK's claim of absolute power. It was a beautiful piece of work and Dunnam hit hard, as he should have. Any Democrat who would run from that statement ain't much of a Texan. Dunnam, in the best tradition of Texas Legislators, called a spade and spade and didn't do it nicely. Burka's delicate sensibilities were upset. He thought it was far too harsh. So did Frank Corte, who is a pretty big son of a bitch even for a Texas Republican. Seriously, the man makes Stalin look perfectly friendly and reasonable in comparison. His right wing garbage about Dunnam wanting to repress people was pure Reagan era bullshit worthy of Peggy Noonan. Which means Corte might have a brilliant career in speech writing once he loses his election next year. Provided that he can go back in time to the 80's where voters are still buying tired old 'conservative' rhetoric. Burka you need to man up.

    Just FYI, Rep. Corte, it's Attorney General Wheelie. Anyone who takes advantage of the courts to make himself rich, THEN fights for tort reform is a pathetic slob worthy not of compassion, but of scorn and ridicule. Fuck him and feed him fish heads.

  • Burka's next experiment with filling space on a blog was to talk about Speaker CradDICK's chances to stay on as Speaker. Everyone knows that CradDICK is toast and that he's going to take a lot of Republicans down with him . The fact of the matter is that CradDICK is hated in Texas, by Republicans AND Democrats. Granted, D's are running real campaigns and actually persuading voters, but the reality is that being able to paint an R as a CradDICK stooge is making things hella easy. What Burka is having a problem with is the Why. After all, as Burka neatly points out...

    ...he has had a lot of success as speaker on subjects near and dear to Republicans' hearts. Many speakers can point to significant legislation that passed WHILE they were speaker. Craddick can point to legislation that passed BECAUSE he was speaker: tort reform, congressional redistricting, tuition deregulation, the property tax cut, restrictions on abortions, billions of dollars worth of budget cuts, mammoth overhauls of the state's approach to human services and transportation policy. He played a central role in all of these. So why is he in such trouble?

    Here's Burka's biggest problem. He never seems to understand that people change and that while these things may have appealed to Republicans in the past, they no longer do. Why? Because the reality of them is as the Democrats said they would be. Tort reform, electricity dereg, budget cuts, toll roads, tuition dereg, and the elusive property tax cut, have been massive failures. Let's not forget the almost $1bn in taxpayer funds the Republicans wasted trying to privatize HHS. The problem is that even ordinary Republicans know they were sold a big business bill of goods that's left them worse off. And they're all pissed as hell.

    What Burka doesn't realize is that what is happening for the Democrats now is what happened with the Republicans in the 80's and 90's. Once they switch, Texans tend to switch for a good long while. It also helps that Democrats have been RIGHT about everything that said would result from the Republicans fucking up the state. From higher teen pregnancy rates and STD infections because of abstinence only sex ed, to higher insurance costs, the Democrats were spot on when they said Republican ideas and initiatives would hurt far more than they would help.

    That's the shift going on. The demographics are just playing into it. Which takes me to the third post.

  • Burka found the NYT website today. The NYT says Texas may get as many as 4 new Congressional districts because of population growth. My housemate's dog, the one who eats shit, could have told you that. What it means to Burka is that it'll be good for Republicans.

    And that's where I call bullshit.

    Population shifts affect not only congressional majorities but also the electoral college. In general, the shift from the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt favors the Republicans' presidential prospects. Four additional electoral votes from Texas would greatly benefit the Rs. The first presidential election that the new population numbers will effect is 2012.

    Actually, this is nightmare for Republicans. For one thing, the new districts will be focused in the largest areas of the state where Democrats are already beating the hell out of the Republicans, the metros. Additionally, Texans are pissed at their own Republican President. There is a VERY good chance Texas will help elect a Democrat next year, especially if Edwards is the candidate. That trial lawyer bullshit ain't playin' (even in the rural areas...are you paying attention, Rep. Corte?) and the good looking, friendly demeanor of Edwards will sell well even in East Texas where many are sick of pontificating Republicans.

  • Damn, Burka. Quit talking to politicos and start talking to people. It'll give you better idea of what people are really thinking.

    Posted by mcblogger at 08:52 AM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

    December 10, 2007

    "I'll Take Things I Don't Know About American History For A Thousand, Alex"

    Who could make me miss Scotty McLiar and Tony Snowjob?

    Bobo's latest press secetary, Dana "Chicken of the Sea" Perino, that's who.

    Appearing on National Public Radio's quiz show, "Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me," this weekend, Perino admitted a story she'd previously only shared in private: When a reporter asked her a question during a White House briefing in which he referred to the Cuban Missile Crisis -- she didn't know what it was.

    "I was panicked a bit because I really don't know about . . . the Cuban Missile Crisis," said Perino, who at 35 was born about a decade after the 1962 U.S.-Soviet nuclear showdown. "It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I'm pretty sure."

    Under further questioning, it was learned that Perino remembered the Alamo but had forgotten the Maine. She also recalled the Spirit of St Louis as a short-lived ABC sitcom starring Gavin McLeod.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 10:18 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    November 17, 2007

    What part of "interfaith" was not clear?

    It's not exactly breaking news that Hyde Park Baptist Church is full of uptight whitebread bigots, but in light of this News 8 story, do they have to work so freakin' hard to remind us?

    Organizers of an Austin interfaith Thanksgiving celebration scrambled to find a new location for the annual event after an evangelical Baptist megachurch objected to Muslims worshipping on its property.

    Hyde Park Baptist Church notified Austin Area Interreligious Ministries this week that it would not allow the event scheduled for Sunday at Hyde Park's sports complex, known as the Quarries.

    The Thanksgiving event is in its 23rd year and invites Jews, Muslims, Christians, Hindus, Baha'is and others to worship together.

    Hyde Park Baptist at first agreed to the service, but then changed their minds, claiming the service was not "Christian oriented."

    Maybe the Hydists should put plans for another parking garage on hold while they build a prayer shield to keep those Muslim prayers from getting to Heaven and cluttering up God's inbox.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:28 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    What part of "interfaith" was not clear?

    It's not exactly breaking news that Hyde Park Baptist Church is full of uptight whitebread bigots, but in light of this News 8 story, do they have to work so freakin' hard to remind us?

    Organizers of an Austin interfaith Thanksgiving celebration scrambled to find a new location for the annual event after an evangelical Baptist megachurch objected to Muslims worshipping on its property.

    Hyde Park Baptist Church notified Austin Area Interreligious Ministries this week that it would not allow the event scheduled for Sunday at Hyde Park's sports complex, known as the Quarries.

    The Thanksgiving event is in its 23rd year and invites Jews, Muslims, Christians, Hindus, Baha'is and others to worship together.

    Hyde Park Baptist at first agreed to the service, but then changed their minds, claiming the service was not "Christian oriented."

    Maybe the Hydists should put plans for another parking garage on hold while they build a prayer shield to keep those Muslim prayers from getting to Heaven and cluttering up God's inbox.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:28 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    October 01, 2007

    Just Another Day In The Highest Court In The Land

    The U.S. Supreme Court declined Monday to hear a challenge to Alabama's ban on the sale of sex toys, ending a nine-year legal battle and sending a warning to store owners to clean off their shelves.

    An adult-store owner had asked the justices to throw out the law as an unconstitutional intrusion into the privacy of the bedroom. But the Supreme Court declined to hear the appeal, leaving intact a lower court ruling that upheld the law.

    Sherri Williams, owner of Pleasures stores in Huntsville and Decatur, said she was disappointed, but plans to sue again on First Amendment free speech grounds.

    "My motto has been they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand. I refuse to give up," she said.

    More, if you can take it.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 10:13 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 30, 2007

    More Attention Whores In The News

    Throwing cans of paint on innocent people wearing furs in soooo pre-9/11. What idiotic stunt will domestic terrorists PETA pull to screw up traffic in Austin on Monday? How about driving a truck-mounted billboard round and round and round and round the Erwin Center to protest Al Gore's visit?

    You can't express concern for global warming if there's a drumstick in your mouth," says PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk. "Mr. Gore is ignoring a scientifically established fact: There's no such thing as a meat-eating environmentalist because meat-eating is the main culprit."

    Second on the list is hot air released by holier-than-thou fanatics.

    ---gasp--- I'm choking on the smug.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 04:15 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    September 29, 2007

    A Brief Plea

    I don't care how aerodynamic your bike shorts are, get your fucking bicycle off of Mopac!

    And now back to McBlogger's latest rant about toll roads...

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 01:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 23, 2007

    The Week in Stupid

    If any extraterrestrials searching for intelligent life aimed their antennas in our direction last week, chances are they didn't find much of interest radiating from this primitive planet. Consider:

    President Bush's assertion that Saddam Hussein killed Nelson Mandela. White House press secretary Dana Perino later explained that The Decider had been briefly distracted by a shiny object and had actually meant to relate an anecdote about the time Dick Cheney killed Bambi.

    Then there were spundit Bill O'Reilly's comments after he had lunch at a restaurant in Harlem and discovered that African-Americans were Just. Like. Us.

    I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship.

    It was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all.

    My only regret is that Billo's basis of comparison was the Olive Garden and not Denny's, so I could observe that one difference was that people of all races were actually getting table service... I guess I managed anyway.

    But the Outstanding Disachievement Award goes to Sherri Shepherd, a new co-host on "The View", who expressed doubts that the World is round. Actually, I think I can explain this. You may remember a few weeks ago when Miss Teenage Flyover State blamed Americans' poor knowledge of geography on things such as, many Americans don't have maps because they've been sent to places, such as, Iraq and South Africa, such as. Ms Shepherd obviously is one of those Americans lucky enough to have hung on to a map. Sadly, maps are flat and how are we supposed to expect a mere television personality to understand the difference between reality and a representation of reality? LEAVE HER ALONE! You're lucky she's even on your TV!

    Could someone please give her a globe before she announces her presidential exploratory committee?

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 11:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 19, 2007

    A modest proposal...

    I've had a particularly trying day, mostly due to people who were insufferably dumb. I came to the conclusion earlier this evening that Congress should pass a tax on stupid people that amounts to 110% of their income.

    I'm serious. I want to see how many of them pay it.

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 27, 2007

    Afghan psychopaths go ballistic over "blasphemous" footballs

    You know, some days I feel sorry for people and other days I just wonder why we don't just get it over and drop the fucking Bomb.

    A demonstration has been held in south- east Afghanistan accusing US troops of insulting Islam after they distributed footballs bearing the name of Allah.

    The balls showed the Saudi Arabian flag which features the Koranic declaration of faith.

    The US military said the idea had been to give something for Afghan children to enjoy and they did not realise it would cause offence.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 08:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 26, 2007


    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 06:40 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

    July 29, 2007

    They Hate Us For Our Flip Flops

    Thinking about standing in line in the summer heat to tour the White House? Better plan ahead, Tourist Guy!

    New signs are posted around the White House indicating a new strict enforcement of the dress code, the Washington Post reported Thursday. The code applies to all visitors and staff members, including tourists.

    Some tourists are finding the strict clothing restrictions at the White House un-American.

    The forbidden items include jeans, sneakers, mini-skirts, t-shirts, tank tops and absolutely no flip flops.

    Some historians believe that peoples' desires to wear bluejeans and listen to rock music helped cause the collapse of the Soviet Empire a couple of decades ago. Mister Bush, tear down this dress code!

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    They Hate Us For Our Flip Flops

    Thinking about standing in line in the summer heat to tour the White House? Better plan ahead, Tourist Guy!

    New signs are posted around the White House indicating a new strict enforcement of the dress code, the Washington Post reported Thursday. The code applies to all visitors and staff members, including tourists.

    Some tourists are finding the strict clothing restrictions at the White House un-American.

    The forbidden items include jeans, sneakers, mini-skirts, t-shirts, tank tops and absolutely no flip flops.

    Some historians believe that peoples' desires to wear bluejeans and listen to rock music helped cause the collapse of the Soviet Empire a couple of decades ago. Mister Bush, tear down this dress code!

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 27, 2007

    Stupid catch phrase becomes a beer

    From the Dept. of Jumping on a Bandwagon filled with nothing but Stupid...

    A local microbrewery has launched a beer for one of America's most recognizable rednecks: Larry the Cable Guy.

    Git-R-Done beer, named for the comedian's famous catchphrase, was launched Saturday by SchillingBridge Winery & MicroBrewery, from the small town where the 44-year-old actor-comedian grew up.

    The owners of the small family winery say the light beer is made from high-quality ingredients with more "flavor and body" than popular corporate beers.

    Mike Schilling, who runs the winery with his wife, Sharon, is confident Git-R-Done beer will appeal to the comedian's fan base.

    "Rednecks love quality, too," he said.

    Yeah, that last line made me laugh as well. Rednecks are all the time buying expensive microbrews.

    Posted by mcblogger at 09:12 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    July 23, 2007

    Iraq, Terror and why are people so fucking dumb??!?!

    Have you seen Orson Scott Card's jeremiad on why the War on Terror is important? Take a look here. Seriously, it's always nice to see someone who was once rational completely lose his mind. He spends paragraph after paragraph comparing the WOT to WW2 and insinuating that Bush is the American version of Churchill. Funny me, I always thought that was FDR, especially when it came to drinking.

    The whole thing is such a rambling mess that I honestly wouldn't know where to begin with excepts. It's very obvious he's extremely scared of Islam (why?) and has cooked up one hell of a fantasy scenario...

    But if we do insane things like withdrawing from Iraq (which would be seen by everyone as a massive victory for Al-Qaeda and Iran and a proof that America cannot be relied on as an ally) or allowing Iran to develop nuclear weapons, then several things will certainly happen:

    A. All the Muslim nations that have trusted us will immediately make friends with Iran or be toppled by Islamicist coups and revolutions.

    B. Israel will be destroyed and its population slaughtered in a new holocaust. We might be able to bring out a few survivors.

    C. Europe will be neutralized. Radical Islam will completely dominate the Muslim populations in European nations, and the governments will almost certainly bend their foreign policy to accommodate their demands. America will have no allies.

    D. The world economic order, from which America skims its prosperity, probably would not endure. Oil still calls the shots, and Russia and China will join with Islam to marginalize or shatter the American economy. Never mind that the resulting worldwide depression would ruin their own economies. If America is brought down, they will feel like relative winners. And without America as a beacon of hope, what internal opposition would they have to worry about? None.

    Peppered throughout the piece are historical anecdotes (like where Hitler went wrong) and Lincoln's true goal during the Civil War (he wanted to hold on to the Presidency long enough to win the fight). The Hitler related stuff is really the best as far as comedy (seriously, read it and tell me you don't think of long supply chains). The biggest issue is that Card, like so many of the cowards on the right, see a massive enemy when in fact there are only a handful of fanatics with whom we really have to contend. They can't visualize how to fight that enemy, so instead they blunder about trying to remake countries and failing miserably at it.

    In the same vein of We Have To Win In Iraq (whatever THAT means... I thought we achieved the goal of knocking out Saddam) Or They'll Come Here And Kill Us, Under Secretary of Defense Eric Edelman sent a nasty little note to Senator Clinton basically accusing her of treason...

    Premature and public discussion of the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq reinforces enemy propaganda that the United States will abandon its allies in Iraq, much as we are perceived to have done in Vietnam, Lebanon and Somalia. … [S]uch talk understandably unnerves the very same Iraqi allies we are asking to assume enormous personal risks.

    Left out of his oh-so-kind note is the fact that his boss (Secy of Defense Gates) actually thinks talking about departure is exactly what the Iraqi's need to get their asses in gear.

    Finally, EOW has nice piece up on Glenn Greenwald's take down of Ted Sorenson who, while a great speechwriter 50 years ago, is clearly slipping a little...

    The United States is not a “nation under siege.” That is a ludicrously melodramatic description of the terrorist threat and it is precisely the failure to challenge such fear-mongering sloganeering that has enabled so many of the destructive policies of the last six years. Any political figure who is authentically interested in the type of real debate which Sorensen touts will challenge, not bolster, this misleading premise. More importantly, a genuine debate regarding how to recover from the last six years (soon to be “last eight years”) will require a fundamental re-examination of America’s role in the world and, most of all, whether we want to continue to maintain imperial dominance. Contrary to conventional Beltway fears, this is plainly a debate which the American public is not only willing, but eager, to engage.

    Uhm... yeah. What he said. We shouldn't be afraid, they should be afraid. However, as long as the R's can sell fear, that's just what they'll do. That and the need for invasions and bombs when in reality all you need is a unit made up of really mean Americans who will hunt down and kill, anywhere in the world, terrorists.

    Sounds mean, right? Oh pish. You don't stop a fanatic by bombing his/her hometown... s/he's not there and s/he doesn't care about those left behind anyway. You also don't stop them by negotiating. You kill them until their numbers dwindle to zero. You need assassins, not an Army battalion. That, my friends, is the number one reason why none of you should even think of voting for a Republican. They just don't get it.

    Maybe they aren't mean enough.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    July 10, 2007

    Ah, Florida. Again

    Delray man blames shooting on argument over Bible

    An argument over the Bible may have been the reason someone fired a gun into a home with two children, according to a police report.

    Talk about being unclear on the concept.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 05:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 10, 2007

    Lions and Bears and Aliens Voting, Oh My!

    Via South Texas Chisme comes word that all hell has broken loose in San Antonio. Apparently voter fraud, the many-headed hydra that makes Baby Republican Jesus cry has broken out in the Alamo City.

    County and federal officials acknowledged this week that they are looking into whether up to 41 non-citizens voted illegally in San Antonio, some repeatedly, in more than a dozen local, state and federal elections between 2001 and this year.

    Great Caesar's Ghost, Batman! Up to forty-one (and let's be honest about this, the qualifier "up to" usually means "actual number is less than"} unqualified voters were involved in elections over the past SIX years?

    (Bexar County Elections Administrator Jacque} Callanen said it was not readily apparent that the illegal voting influenced an election's outcome.

    No shit, Sherlock!

    In the 2004 election, more than 475,000 votes were cast in Bexar County. "Up to" forty-one votes would represent "up to" eight THOUSANDTHS of a percent of that total. In the 2006, more than a quarter-million votes were cast for governor, including 87 for some write-in candidate named James "Patriot" Dillon. Even May's Constitutional Amendment canvass attracted more than 84,000 Bexarites... our illegal voters would have tipped the scales at less than five-hundredths of one percent, not that it would have mattered much in a race that was won with 87%.

    Voter ID: clearly a solution in search of a problem.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 01:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    June 07, 2007

    So, you want to be in pictures?

    No problem... just take out your dick, place it on a table and hit it with a hammer. Or listen to Johnny Knoxville, who will pay you more than $10 MILLION to put your dick in a mousetrap.

    JACKASS star Johnny Knoxville is being sued over claims he talked an actor into putting his penis in a mousetrap. Perry Caravello wants £5million damages after the incident on a live radio show.

    Caravel lo claims he was injured when the trap went off and needed medical treatment. And he says he was humiliated when a video of the prank appeared on the internet. Knoxville, 36, is renowned for sick stunts on his MTV show.

    In court documents filed in Los Angeles, Caravello's lawyer said: "He was promised by Johnny Knoxville that he would be paid £5million if he placed his penis in a mousetrap. "He agreed to do so and, much to his emotional tranquility and physical harm, was severely injured when the trap went off. "The incident has been circulated on the internet to his prejudice and humiliation."

    He is also suing DJ Adam Corolla and comedian Jimmy Kimmel, who were in the studio but did not stop the stunt.

    Uhm... yeah. The I don't see Knoxville writing that check any time soon. Especially not when there are kids doing it for free.

    No, I'm not posting the video of that dumbass. Sister Ruth and probably Mike Krusee would like it too much.

    Posted by mcblogger at 05:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 29, 2007

    God Says the Strangest Things

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketNow that Jerry Falwell's telephone has been disconnected, who is God supposed to call to chat when He's up late at night and there's nothing on TV but reruns of Law And Order? Why, none other than self-proclaimed Christian Tom DeLay, who tells all to The New Yorker

    God has spoken to me. I listen to God, and what I’ve heard is that I’m supposed to devote myself to rebuilding the conservative base of the Republican Party, and I think we shouldn’t be underestimated.

    Some theologians suggest that God was more likely suggesting the Hammer do something about that awful haircut.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 04:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 28, 2007

    Are jury verdicts in civil trials irrelevant?

    According to the ultra-conservative Texas Supreme Court, you bet... if they disagree with the verdict even if it was based on sound legal ground. Way to turn the appeals process on it's head...

    Reversing a multimillion dollar judgment is not out of character for a court packed with conservative judges, six of them appointed by Gov. Rick Perry before winning pro forma elections. But the legal reasoning that the slim majority used to justify its ruling was so alarming—and sets such an unappetizing precedent—that it has spawned incredulity in Texas legal circles. In effect, the court reviewed the evidence and decided the jury was wrong. It was a remarkable reach beyond the court’s usual exercise of power.

    Ordinarily, appeals courts give great deference to a jury’s conclusions. Jurors, after all, are the ones who hear the witnesses, review evidence, and deliberate the case. A court usually has a compelling reason when it decides to disregard the jury’s conclusions.

    What that reason might be is not clear in this case. More than a few scholars argue that the state Supreme Court doesn’t have a sound legal principle with which to justify its decision. Worse, they fear it opens the door for other Texas courts to begin arbitrarily tossing aside jury verdicts with which they disagree. If the high court continues on this course, they say, the constitutional right to a civil jury trial could be in jeopardy.

    Pinche Tejano has more on the judges up for re-election next year. These folks need to be shown the door, post haste.

    Posted by mcblogger at 12:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 22, 2007

    I remember when you had to be smart to get into college

    Apparently that's no longer the case.

    A first-year Liberty University student was arrested in what police said was a plot to detonate explosive devices Tuesday, the day of the Rev. Jerry Falwell's funeral.

    Mark David Uhl's intended target is unknown, authorities said.

    ABC News reported the youth told authorities he had made the bombs -- which were found in his car -- to stop protesters from disrupting Falwell's funeral.

    Because nothing adds to the solemnity of a funeral like setting off your own bombs.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    May 11, 2007

    This is so stupid it must be true

    Holy fucking shit

    The US film ratings board has announced it will now take smoking into account along with sex, violence and adult language when classifying movies.

    Descriptions such as "glamorised smoking" could now accompany ratings.

    But anti-smoking campaign group Breathe California said the MPAA plans did not go far enough.

    Some critics of smoking in films have said all films showing tobacco use should be given an R rating - meaning only over-17s could see the film unless accompanied by a guardian.

    Brick: Apply directly to forehead.
    Apply directly to forehead.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:25 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    April 16, 2007

    Who's being burnt in effigy today?

    It's movie star Richard Gere, and no, it's not by people upset with his portayal of Clifford Irving, author of the famous phoney autobiography of Howard Hughes.

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    NEW DELHI - Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere on Monday after he swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her several times during an AIDS-awareness event.

    Photographs of the 57-year-old actor embracing Shilpa Shetty and kissing her on the cheek at an HIV/AIDS awareness event in New Delhi were splashed across Monday's front pages in India — a country where sex and public displays of affection are largely taboo.

    In Mumbai, members of the right-wing Hindu nationalist group Shiv Sena beat burning effigies of Gere with sticks and set fire to glamorous shots of Shetty.

    Similar protests broke out in other cities, including Varanasi, Hinduism's holiest city, and in the northern town of Meerut, where crowds chanted "Down with Shilpa Shetty!"

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 03:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    March 21, 2007

    I hate TSA (and American Airlines, too)

    My company was only able to get me a flight connecting through Dallas for reasons that have not been explained. I caught the Austin to Dallas leg with no problems, only to miss the connector to my final destination. Why?

    Because I needed a cigarette and TSA sucks ASS.

    My flight from Austin was a bit late but I still had 50 minutes to kill before the next one left. So, I went outside for a cigarette. Lest you think me a slow smoker, rest assured I can suck one down in under 7 minutes. However, I DID NOT anticipate how slow security at DFW would be. Bitch behind the xray conveyor looked at EVERYTHING 3 times.

    I finally pulled one of the TSA mooks aside to tell them my plane was leaving in 15 MINUTES and would she please call to the gate to let them know I was on my way, to which she replied, "Oh, we don't work with the airlines and we have no way to do that". Thanks a lot, Debbie Dumbass.

    I finally got to the head of the class and was able to get through. I then quickly threw my shit back in my carryon and ran to the gate. My flight wasn't leaving for another 7 minutes, tight but nothing horrible. Unless you are flying American.

    Needless to say, I got to the gate 6 minutes before departure only to watch the plane pulling away. Fucking assholes.

    So, I'm sitting here patiently waiting for the next available flight. Seething while I look at some stupid freak woman with a sunflower (just one) embrodiered on the back of her shirt.

    TSA makes travel a pain in the ass and American Airlines is helping them. I hate you guys.

    Posted by mcblogger at 03:43 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    March 18, 2007

    Seeing Pink

    Unlike Sister Ruth, I don't get to sit on the sofa all day eating bonbons and watching C-SPAN. So I didn't get to watch Valerie Plame's testimony before a House committee on Friday and had to settle for the highlights reel on Olbermann that night. And what do I see in the background, jumping up everytime the camera is on Ms. Plame? It's one of those Code Pink nutzoids. Look at me! Look at me!

    Okay, hon. We get your message. You don't like Bush. Now please sit down and behave like an adult. We just can't take you anywhere.

    Honestly, if anyone watching the hearing had an epiphany and realized "You know, that George Bush guy is a real scumbag and he ought to be impeached!" is it more likely to have come about from Plame's testimony about the junta's vendetta against her and her husband, Joe WIlson or from seeing "Impeach Bush" written on a tshirt?

    I know that there's a political current that is outraged that Congressional Democrats aren't already holding impeachment hearings. Well, show me your list of 67 Senators who are ready to vote to remove Bush from office and then we can talk. Until then...

    When Nixon left office, those 67 votes existed. Nixon's political position had been steadily eroded by more than a year of hearings and investigations which had established a clear pattern of lawlessness, criminality, and obstruction of justice And it wasn't liberal political opinion that brought Nixon down, it was conservative and Republican. It was James J. Kilpatrick saying on 60 Minutes' Point/Counterpoint "Nixon is a dead mouse on the kitchen floor of America. The only question left is who is going to pick him up and throw him in the trash" that for me best exemplifies how completely isolated RMN had become.

    We're a long way from a similar situation with Bush. The right wing and the republican party have been so heavily bolshevized over the last decade or so it's hard to imagine Bush's base deciding that he's more of a dangerous liabilty than an asset... but of course it was also hard to believe that an earlier president re-elected in a landslide would find himself driven from office less than two years later. Already it seems that various senators are unhappy about the way that the White House planned to cut them out of the loop in the US Attornies matter. Who dare predict what other turds will come to the surface as the doings of Bush, Rove and the rest of the gang are examined over the months to come?

    Now, please do not misunderstand me. Nothing would make me happier than seeing Bush and the rest removed from office, put on trial, and punished for their crimes. But if impeachment is ever actually on the table, it will be because the Right put it there.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 03:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    February 11, 2007

    I thought Texans were supposed to be tough

    But apparently they've turned into a bunch of fraidy cats.

    Terrorists will destroy the Bush library and take out most of the Park Cities at the same time. The question isn't if but when, says Sam Boyd, a Park Cities lawyer.

    Mr. Boyd isn't alone.

    A number of Park Cities residents say they fear that building the presidential library in University Park would be like painting a big, red target on their community.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 04:27 PM

    February 06, 2007

    Praise Jeezus!

    The Reverend Tim Haggard has been completely cured of The Gay!

    One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is ''completely heterosexual.''

    Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

    ''He is completely heterosexual,'' Ralph said. ''That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing.''

    Now he's a 100 Percent Straight God-fearin' meth addict! Halleluja!

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 04:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    January 06, 2007


    So Sister Ruth and I were in line at the movies today and in the next line some woman said

    This is a new billfold and I don't know how it works.

    God help us if she ever gets a new cellphone.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 10:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    November 28, 2006

    Voters To John Kerry, Voters to John Kerry



    Posted by spamburgler at 12:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    November 09, 2006

    It ain't rocket science!

    Oh, those wacky Brits!

    A man suffered internal burns when he tried to launch a rocket from his bottom on Bonfire Night. Paramedics found the 22-year-old bleeding, with a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket lodged inside him, when they attended the scene in Sunderland.

    He suffered a scorched colon and is now recovering in hospital, where his condition is described as stable.

    A spokesman for the North East Ambulance Service (NEAS) said the prank could have been fatal.

    Douglas McDougal, from the NEAS, said: "We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding.

    "He sustained fairly significant injuries in the fact that there's huge damage to that particular area."

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 05:25 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    November 06, 2006

    Not a Rick Perry Christian? Go to Hell!

    From this morning's DMN

    SAN ANTONIO – Gov. Rick Perry, after a God and country sermon attended by dozens of political candidates Sunday, said that he agreed with the minister that non-Christians will be condemned to hell.

    "In my faith, that's what it says, and I'm a believer of that," the governor said.

    Gov. Rick Perry covered his face in prayer as Cornerstone Church pastor John Hagee and son Matthew, right, prayed for the good of the political candidates in attendance at the service in San Antonio on Sunday.

    Throughout much of the 90-minute service at Cornerstone Church, Mr. Perry sat on the red-carpeted stage next to the Rev. John Hagee. Mr. Perry was among about 60 mostly Republican candidates who accepted the invitation to be introduced to the megachurch's congregation of about 1,500, plus a radio and TV audience.

    "If you live your life and don't confess your sins to God almighty through the authority of Christ and his blood, I'm going to say this very plainly, you're going straight to hell with a nonstop ticket," Mr. Hagee said during a service interspersed with religious and patriotic videos.

    Asked afterward at a political rally whether he agreed with Mr. Hagee, the governor said he didn't hear anything that he would take exception to.

    He said that he believes in the inerrancy of the Bible and that those who don't accept Jesus as their savior will go to hell.

    Funny, I thought he was running for governor, not ayatollah.

    A little later at another stop, the Republican incumbent clarified his beliefs.

    His opponents in the race, campaigning across the state with just two days to go until Election Day, criticized the governor, saying his comments were unnecessarily divisive.

    "He doesn't think very differently from the Taliban, does he?" independent Kinky Friedman said.

    Mr. Friedman, a Jew, said Mr. Perry's comment "hits pretty close to home."

    "Being obsessed with who's going to heaven and who's going to hell is kind of a pathetic waste of time," he said.

    Mr. Friedman, who often expresses admiration for Jesus and calls himself "a Judeo-Christian," declined to say whether he believes that accepting Jesus as one's savior is the only path to salvation.

    Carole Keeton Strayhorn, who attended Sunday services at Harmony Missionary Baptist Church in Fort Worth, said she disagreed with Mr. Perry.

    "There are many ways to heaven. We're all sinners, and we're all God's children," she said. "God's a uniter."

    Democrat Chris Bell said that a state leader should take more caution.

    "God is the only one who can make the decision as to who gets into the kingdom of heaven," he said.

    Mr. Bell declined to say whether he agrees that only followers of Jesus can go to heaven.

    "I'm a Christian," he said. "Rick Perry certainly is entitled to his beliefs, but when you're in public office, you need to respect people of all faiths and denominations."

    Asked whether Mr. Perry was wrong, Mr. Bell said: "The voters will have to decide that."

    In his sermon, Mr. Hagee exhorted the congregation to fight moral weakness, to vote for religious people and oppose same-sex marriage.

    "Quit acting like a Bible-thumping wimp," he said.

    He added: "God is the Supreme Court," prompting applause from the governor.

    Mr. Perry was raised in the Methodist church but also frequently attended the Baptist church in the small West Texas town of Paint Creek, where he grew up.

    For this campaign, he has helped organize the Texas Restoration Project, in which ministers are encouraged to get their congregants politically involved in their communities.

    And he has already had to answer some complaints from the Jewish community. Last year, he invited ministers of all faiths to stand with him as he signed a law requiring parental consent for abortion and a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. The Jewish representative was a member of a messianic group that accepts Jesus as their savior.

    Mr. Perry's predecessor as governor, George W. Bush, took considerable criticism in 1993 for saying that those who do not accept Jesus as their personal savior cannot get to heaven. Later, when running for president, Mr. Bush issued his regrets to the Anti-Defamation League, saying his comments had been misunderstood.

    Mr. Perry said Sunday that the acceptance of Christ is what his faith teaches, and he could not abandon that any more than anyone can pick which of the 10 Commandments they chose to follow. He would not argue with God's wisdom, he said.

    "I doubt if any one human being can grasp all of his wisdom and issues of salvations and whether you're going to get to go to heaven," Mr. Perry said.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 08:36 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    October 21, 2006

    The State Superintendent of Schools shot my homework!

    H o l y f u c k i n g s h i t !

    OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma (AP) -- A candidate for state superintendent of schools said Thursday he wants thick used textbooks placed under every student's desk so they can use them for self-defense during school shootings.

    Crozier and a group of aides produced a 10-minute video Tuesday in which they shoot math, language and telephone books with a variety of weapons, including an AK-47 assault rifle and a 9mm pistol. The rifle bullet penetrated two books, including a calculus textbook, but the pistol bullet was stopped by a single book.

    Crozier said the demonstration shows that a student could effectively use a textbook as protection in a school shooting.

    You probably won't be surprised to hear that Mr. Crozier is a republican.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 05:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    October 12, 2006

    Comcast is all about naps

    Photobucket - Video and Image HostingComcast is all the time sending people out to fix things. Like converters and modems. They do it because it gives them an opportunity to service their customer base. It also gives their employees a chance for a nap.

    A Garden City family is questioning Comcast cable after the family said they found one of the company's workers asleep on the job twice. Misty Maironi said the worker went downstairs to work on her cable. She said he was gone for an hour so she sent her son down to see what he was doing.

    The son returned with a picture from his camera phone of the worker asleep on his bed.

    Chris Maironis woke up the man. Maironis said the man then proceeded to lay there and fall asleep again.

    As isolated occurance? Not so much as it turns out...

    This. Shit like this is why I have DirecTV. Granted, I still have to deal with AT&T for DSL, but in the four years we've had it I've only had to make occasional calls to them and I've never been on hold for more than 2-3 minutes waiting for 'Chip' from Bangalore.

    Posted by mcblogger at 02:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    August 31, 2006

    Republicans Are Fucking Dumb

    "Not A Blue Dot in Travis!"

    The Travis County Republican Party is having a I-want-some-of-the-crack-they're-smoking moment....

    From today's Austin-American Statesman:

    Old-timers might wonder how the Rs landed at Scholz Garten, the close-by-the-Capitol hangout long cherished by liberals. Sally Aiello, the county party’s executive director, reminded that the party had 2002 and 2004 kickoffs there, adding: “We’re kicking the liberals out of downtown and celebrating November victories early.”


    Sort of like in 2004 when Travis County Democrats swept the elections? Apparently the name of their kickoff is "Not a Blue Dot in Travis!." Grimace wasn't even sure what the fuck that was supposed to mean, since the last time we checked, Travis County was, well, almost completely blue, and it most definitely will be with the elections of 4 Democratic 3rd Court of Appeals candidates, 2 District Judges, and when we take back the 6th leg seat, it'll be sweet.

    That being said, Grimace has a gift for you. The Repuglicans will be at Scholz on September 10 from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m., and you can click here or on the image above to download your very own 11" X 17" "I'm a Blue Dot!" poster. Just print it out and show up at Scholz. Grimace will see you there.

    I don't know if Travis County Repuglicans are fucking funny or just fucking dumb. Methinks its a little of both. But let's remember, it was their state party chair, Tina Benkiser, that had this gem of a quote during the GOP State Convention:

    At Saturday morning's prayer meeting, party leader Tina Benkiser assured them that God was watching over the two-day confab.

    "He is the chairman of this party," she said against a backdrop of flags and a GOP seal with its red, white and blue logo.

    Posted by grimace at 08:08 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

    August 25, 2006

    Mann Coulter Gets Her Shit Handed to Her

    Grimace can't even believe this shit is free to watch online. It's easily worth $100 or 600 chicken nuggets to view it.

    Your favorite adam-apple-woman, Mann Coulter, was on Faux News last night, and completely got her shit handed to her like the bitch that she is. It all went down on


    and Colmes
    which makes it all the more unbelievable.

    Apparently someone who could actually speak and stand up and call her on the bullshit, Kirsten Powers, was a fill-in for

    and so she let loose. Mann Coulter can only handle it for about 20 seconds. Someone will definitely be fired.

    Crooks and Liars has the video.

    Posted by grimace at 09:14 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

    August 23, 2006

    Rarely is the question answered, our children is not learning

    So I get back to the mayoral mansion a little while ago to find a flyer hot off the inkjet stuck on my door...

    PASSBOOK 2007
    GET THE AT xxxx

    {In case you can't find "Chian Grov" in your Austin gazetteer, that's because the street is actually "China Grove".}
    Support the band? Sorry, get back to me when you're raising money for textbooks.

    Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack