April 06, 2010

In which I take legal action against Progressive Insurance

I'll be brief (and you can quite your snickering)... Progressive Insurance has done irreparable harm to my effort to have someone (ANYONE) name a child Pickles. Progressive, in a deliberate move to ruin my efforts and advertise that they cover family pets in the event of an accident, has begun advertising using a small dog named




PICKLES




This action will solidify in the minds of millions that pickles is 'a pet name' and not a name for human beings. Such action completely eliminates any chance* I ever had at finding some dipshitbrave soul who would be willing defy convention and name their child Pickles.

As a result, this will cause me excruciating mental anguish and I feel like I should be awarded, well, a lot of money. If you'd like to help with the suit (or as we're starting to call it at McBlogger HQ, the SUPER AWESOME PAYDAY FROM PROGRESSIVE) shoot me an email.

*Harry says the chance was very slim and I reminded him he was neither a statistician nor a mathematician. Fucking know-it-all lawyers.

Posted by mcblogger at 10:11 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

May 14, 2009

A *&$!@# Proposal

Well You People are at it again. It seems like every time I check the news, some do-gooder wants to ban smoking everywhere, always; or lower the legal intoxication BAC threshold to "any"; or levy a surcharge on establishments profiting from the viewing of nekkid breastesses. But what's really rich is how You People always make it into a fiscal issue instead of just admitting you want to legislate a return to Puritanism.

This week, the designated pinata of vice appears to be smokeless tobacco. The Lege is kicking around the idea of taxing into oblivion all the "Skoal Brothahs" (remember that Earl Campbell commercial back in the day?...No?...just me?...greenhorned whippersnappers, all of you). Proceeds would go toward a program designed to lure more doctors to live and practice in BFE (the original bill said "rural areas" but the committee substitute changed it to "BFE").

You see the obvious connection there, right? The hinterlands would be utterly lousy with M.D.s but for all the terbackey-chewin' that goes on out there. It is a well-known scientifical fact that people with medical degrees find snuff to be icky, so it's only fair. And if that's not readily apparent to you, you're probably one of those people who goes to a titty bar and ends up sexually assaulting people. Which is why the Lege had to pass the Ta-Ta Tassle Tax a few years ago.

Now I don't look favorably upon this approach to governing, but it seems i'm in the minority here. So in the spirit of if-you-can't-lick-'em-join-em', i offer a modest proposal: The Texas Swear Jar Act. What this state needs is a goddamn tax on profanity.

Think about it, if You People have your way, we will have a state full of stone sober, sexually repressed citizens going through tobacco withdrawal. You think they're going to cuss less than they do now? F@#$ No! If we enact the Texas Swear Jar Act, we'll have a budget surplus in no time. This M@#$erF@#$%ing blog post alone could fund social studies textbooks for an entire classroom. S*#@, i'm feeling generous so I'll keep up this @#$@#$%@#$%!#$% commentary. There - that little tirade just bought a new !@#$!@# T.V. for one of the prison rec rooms in Huntsville. I'm sure those poor F@#$%ers in prison appreciate it and I feel a lot better having gotten something off my chest.

My fellow A@$holes, Harry Balczak asks you to write your legislators today to urge passage of the Texas Swear Jar Act forthwith. Our state's roads, prisons, parks and schools need your help. Indeed, the G@#D@#$ schoolchildren of Texas are counting on us. We can't let those little F@#$ers down, can we?

Posted by hbalczak at 08:56 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 08, 2009

The Humphreys. Oh, yeah, you bitches are taking the fall for them

I'm watching Gossip Girl*, loving every minute of it... except for those goddamn annoying Humphreys. My notes...

1) Eric is getting HAWT. Yeah, I know he's chicken and I'm normally not at all about Col. Sanders, but he's cute.

2) BLAIR, you fucktard. Chuck is a nebbish and Nate is a Tommy Hilfiger ad. Why the hell would you not move in with him?

3) Lily, are you SURE you really want to marry Rufus?

4) Rufus, wouldn't you feel more comfortable marrying a cafeteria waitress from Rockaway? Who chain smokes Newports?

5) Nate, you really need to rethink Blair. Oh, and I'm not seeing anyone right now. Just gonna put that out there.

6) Georgina? REALLY?

7) Serena, I would have blown Gabriel. In fact, I still would. I'd even let him talk about that lame WiFi for poor people in Africa thing while I was doing it. Just one thing though and this isn't meant to imply that you or the rest of the people on the show are stupid, but poor people in Africa don't have computers so WiFi is, for them, kinda useless. You know what I'm saying?

8) Lily, seriously, wouldn't you really rather marry someone (ANYONE) else? I mean, this guy is so full of himself that he can't even take money to put his kid through school from someone he supposedly loves. I mean, you could marry Chuck and I'd be OK with that.

9) Dan, it would be a AWESOME if you could learn to keep your mouth shut. Would you do us all a favor and step into traffic on the FDR?

It's become clear that the real weak point of The Girl is the Humphrey Family. Obvs, we'd like to keep Jenny but if getting rid of Rufus and Dan means she has to go as well, then that's a tradeoff we can accept. Until they go, we're blaming it on You People. You're sucking up a perfectly good television program.

*YES. I'm just now catching up to Monday's DVR recordings. I had things to do this week like living my life and entertaining my corporate overlords.

Posted by mcblogger at 09:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 26, 2009

End my suffering. Have a child and name it Pickles

For YEARS (no shit, literally years... almost a decade) I have been asking my friends who have recently announced that they're pregnant to name the child Pickles. The conversation usually goes something like this...

Friend: I've got some news...I'm PREGNANT!
McB: Congratulations! That's sooo awesome/great/amazing/cool! Would you do me a solid?
Friend: You're not going to ask me to save the placenta for you, or something weird like that?
McB: Ugh. No. I was wondering if you'd mind naming the child Pickles?
Friend: McB, that's a pet name.
McB: Well, YES, I guess it's historically been a pet name but I think it would make a super child name. It's just sitting out there waiting. Waiting for the right parents, brave enough to stand up to convention.
Friend: Yeah. No, that's not going to happen.
McB: What if I agreed to give some money to the kid's college fund?
Friend: Uhm.... like how much were you thinking?
McB: I don't know, maybe a sawbuck?
Friend: Let me get this straight. You want me to give my child a pet name that will certainly lead to ridicule for the rest of his/her life in exchange for $10?
McB: Yeah. I'll even throw in a pack of Costco diapers.
Friend: I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.

Needless to say, not a single 'friend' has been willing to do it. Not even the ones I got really nice wedding and baby shower presents for, even though they were far too tacky to appreciate the gift. Some have suggested that I somehow do this myself, as if I can obtain a uterus, have it installed and then be impregnated by someone who's not totally grossed out that I have a recently attached uterus. When I point this out they typically roll their eyes and mention surrogates or adoption. Morons. Adopted kids usually have names already and as for the brill surrogate idea, I'm guessing none of them saw Baby Mama? Or that Sally Field movie where she and her husband were trying to get a surrogate and the surrogate ended up killing her and taking her place*.

Now that we have this really neat new feature Things we're blaming on You People, I can, you know, blame You People for being so horribly cruel that no one will dare name their child Pickles. Y'all suck. You're all a bunch of MONSTERS for being so horrible to innocent little children.

*That may not be a real movie.


Posted by mcblogger at 11:39 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 04, 2009

NEW FEATURE! Things we're blaming on You People!

Yes, we're all about giving you MORE at McBlogger. MORE facetiousness. MORE vitriol. MORE bile and yes, MORE blame.

However, we're doing something a little different this time out. Instead of telling you about something horrible and who's to blame for it, we're going to use this topic to discuss something WE don't like. And then we'll blame you for it.

PhotobucketIn this, our inaugural edition of Things we're blaming on You People, we turn to the weather. This afternoon, not long after we woke up, we went outside for a cigarette to discover that the humidity had ticked up. And we're reasonably certain it's the fault of You People.

So think about that and maybe consider pulling some of the wetness out of the air, K.

Posted by mcblogger at 10:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

NEW FEATURE! Things we're blaming on You People!

Yes, we're all about giving you MORE at McBlogger. MORE facetiousness. MORE vitriol. MORE bile and yes, MORE blame.

However, we're doing something a little different this time out. Instead of telling you about something horrible and who's to blame for it, we're going to use this topic to discuss something WE don't like. And then we'll blame you for it.

PhotobucketIn this, our inaugural edition of Things we're blaming on You People, we turn to the weather. This afternoon, not long after we woke up, we went outside for a cigarette to discover that the humidity had ticked up. And we're reasonably certain it's the fault of You People.

So think about that and maybe consider pulling some of the wetness out of the air, K.

Posted by mcblogger at 10:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack