July 02, 2008

Why is this Man Happy?

Watermelon, the new viagra.

Posted by Boobilicious at 11:16 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

June 09, 2008

Available Accessories

Sister Ruth called to say she'd bought a bicycle. My first reaction was to ask if it came with an ashtray.

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 05:39 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 21, 2008

Happy San Jacinto Day!

On an April afternoon, after enduring heartbreaking weeks of disaster and defeat a ragtag army turned against its better-equipped and more numerous foe, scattering them to the winds and changing the course of history.

But enough about the Presidential primary.

Terms like "history's turning point" are thrown about pretty cheaply, but I think that Sam Houston's victory over Santa Ana back in 1836 qualifies for that sobriquet. Had the Mexican army won that day, or had the battle never been fought and the Runaway Scrape continued until the Texian settlers were driven across the Sabine, the North American settlements in Texas might have been forgotten as a historical footnote; another of colonization's deadends like the Norse in Vinland or the Huguenots in Spanish Florida.

As it was, though, San Jacinto was the narrow end of the wedge that let the United States pry away the sparsely-settled and little-known northern half of the former Spanish Viceroyality of New Spain from its successor, Mexico. And in so doing, the annexation of new territory to the south exacerbated the great sectional conflict that led quickly to our Civil War and our national re-foundation on lines quite different from those envisioned by the 1776 Generation.

I don't mean to ignore the effect on Mexico, but imagining how our sister republic would have developed had she retained Texas, and California, and Arizona requires more imagination than I can spare at the moment. "The history of things that never happened has not been written."

So I invite you to take a moment this afternoon and reflect on how much our world is a product of things set in motion by Buffalo Bayou one hundred and seventy-two years ago today.

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 09:30 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 11, 2008

Rudy, You Might Want To Bid On This

Via Bartcop, one of those EBay auctions that'll probably be taken down because The Man has no sense of humor.

This rarest of all artifacts, an actual tear from Madam Hillary Clinton's private, limited collection in an amber dram, is coveted by politicians and pundits alike for its potent campaign-reviving powers

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Rudy, You Might Want To Bid On This

Via Bartcop, one of those EBay auctions that'll probably be taken down because The Man has no sense of humor.

This rarest of all artifacts, an actual tear from Madam Hillary Clinton's private, limited collection in an amber dram, is coveted by politicians and pundits alike for its potent campaign-reviving powers

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 07:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 21, 2007

Friday fun

Condi admits it...

The Devil does my hair!

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September 18, 2007

Amazing Expressions of Religious Tolerance, Part 2355

Sometimes it's nice to see that other states have crazy people too.

Neb. state senator sues God in protest

LINCOLN, Neb. --Fed up with the threats, tired of natural disasters, the state's longest-serving state senator is using his legal muscle against who he says is the culprit -- God. State Sen. Ernie Chambers of Omaha sued the Almighty in Douglas County District Court last week.

Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Chambers also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes."

He's seeking a permanent injunction against God

I'm not an attorney, but I'm note sure it's prudent to sue anyone credited with being able to strike you down with a bolt of lightning.

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 08:45 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 08, 2007

While I Was Out

I've been off-world for a few days, and I'm just getting caught up. I don't know if this has already been blogged but apparently there's a new Osama bin Laden video out and he is the new spokesmodel for natural male enhancement.

That's bound to wipe the smirk off Bob's face.

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 05:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 05, 2007

It's Lonely At The Bottom, Part Deux

I think I know who Katherine Harris's political braintrust is working for these days.

Republican presidential hopeful, U.S.,Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan. during a speech at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics at Saint Anselm College in Manchester, N.H., Tuesday, Sept. 4, 2007.(AP Photo/Jim Cole)

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July 17, 2007

In case you wondered

This is why we don't let children vote.

In 1972, Richard Nixon's campaign was caught in dirty tricks in its effort to rig the election of 1972. In July, 2007, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton were caught planning dirty tricks to rig the election of 2007.

Yes, Hillary and Edwards have fiendishly scheduled it for 2008. The bastards.

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 08:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 12, 2007

The Internet is kaput

Breaking News: All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash

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July 11, 2007

National Organization Of Restoring Men

You have to read this, then this.

What is NORM all about? Please, just click the links.

My only question is, what does the giant wax cock have to say about this? I think now is the time for it to stand up and speak.

Posted by Boobilicious at 09:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 09, 2007

Man dressed as tree robs branch bank

Which would you rather read? Another screed about toll roads, or this?

According to police, a man with tree branches duct-taped to his head and torso walked into a Citizens Bank just as it opened Saturday morning and demanded cash from a teller. Police said the disguise was the most bizarre they'd ever seen.

"He really went out on a limb," Sgt. Ernie Goodno said Sunday.

Sgt Goodno thinks he a comedian, eh? Better keep your day job, flatfoot.

The robber, who showed no weapon, fled with an undisclosed amount of cash. Though the branches and leaves obscured much of the man's face, someone who saw images from the bank's security camera recognized the robber and called police.

James Coldwell, 49, of Manchester, was arrested at his home early Sunday morning. He was expected to be arraigned Monday.

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July 04, 2007

Who knew a Prius could go a hundred miles an hour?

I am impressed. And apparently some famous guy's son was driving it.

Al Gore III, 24, of Los Angeles, was allegedly driving a blue Toyota Prius on the southbound San Diego (5) Freeway about 100 mph about 2:15 a.m. when a sheriff's deputy stopped him at the Crown Valley Parkway exit, said Orange County sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.

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June 22, 2007

Mars, bitches!

Wanna play spaceman?

The European Space Agency is looking for people who would like to go on a pretend trip to Mars — for about a year and a half.

The 520-day experiment involves a crew of six living in sealed modules at the Institute of Biomedical Problems in Moscow.

Promising a program "as close to a real Mars mission as possible," the space agency plans to simulate a 250-day trip to Mars, 30 days to experience the planet and 240 days to make it back home.

Weightlessness and radiation are not included, but the simulated out-of-planet experience offers isolation, confinement, crowding, lack of privacy, high workload, boredom with available food, and limited communication with family, friends and mission control.

Doesn't sound any worse than a cubefarm.

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May 28, 2007

Attack of the Nazi Racoons

No, it's not tonight's fare on the History Channel.

In 1934, top Nazi party official Hermann Goering received a seemingly mundane request from the Reich Forestry Service. A fur farm near here was seeking permission to release a batch of exotic bushy-tailed critters into the wild to "enrich the local fauna" and give bored hunters something new to shoot at.

Goering approved the request and unwittingly uncorked an ecological disaster that is still spreading across Europe. The imported North American species, Procyon lotor, or the common raccoon, quickly took a liking to the forests of central Germany. Encountering no natural predators -- and with hunters increasingly called away by World War II -- the woodland creatures fruitfully multiplied and have stymied all attempts to prevent them from overtaking the Continent.

Today, as many as 1 million raccoons are estimated to live in Germany, and their numbers are steadily increasing. In 2005, hunters and speeding cars killed 10 times as many raccoons as a decade earlier, according to official statistics.

Raccoons have crawled across the border to infest each of Germany's neighbors and now range from the Baltic Sea to the Alps. Scientists say they have been spotted as far east as Chechnya. British tabloids have warned that it's only a matter of time until the "Nazi raccoons" cross the English Channel.

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 08:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 31, 2007

School has changed a lot since my day

All we ever got to do in shop was make candlestick holders.

Only one high school was celebrating but it was V.E. Day yesterday – Victory in Etobicoke.

The delivery of a World War II Sherman Firefly tank, a combat veteran of the European battlefields, to Etobicoke Collegiate Institute, was a triumph for teacher Sean Carney after a months-long campaign that he was told he couldn't win.

"We'll have to rent a crane to get it off," said Alex Bihuniak, 16. He's more into muscle cars and hot rods but was beside himself with excitement. "To work on a piece of history like this ... it's mind-boggling. I've only ever seen these in the movies."

Laurie LeFresne, 15, was just as thrilled, even though she's more interested in horses. "Not everyone in this class wants to be a mechanic," she said. "This is so cool, so amazing. I'm so nervous but I can't wait to get started. It's ... a tank. End of story!"

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February 16, 2007

Medical bulletin

Reuters reports

A doctor removed two moles from President George W. Bush's left temple on Friday and they were believed to be benign, a White House spokesman said.

How perverse, removing the only bits of him that aren't malignant.

(Apologies to Evelyn Waugh)

Posted by mayor mcsleaze at 10:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 31, 2006

So Fat People Really Are More Stupid

At least, so say the French.

The new five-year study of more than 2,200 adults claims to have found a link between obesity and the decline in a person's cognitive function. The research, conducted by French scientists, which is published in this month's Neurology journal, involved men and women aged between 32 and 62 taking four mental ability tests that were then repeated five years later.

The researchers found that people with a Body Mass Index – a measure of body fat – of 20 or less could recall 56 per cent of words in a vocabulary test, while those who were obese, with a BMI of 30 or higher, could remember only 44 per cent.

The fatter subjects also showed a higher rate of cognitive decline when they were retested five years later: their recall dropped to 37.5 per cent, whereas those with a healthy weight retained their level of recall.

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September 19, 2006

Sometimes when Grimace is feeling fat, Travis County is the place to be

AUSTIN — Travis County is considering a pilot program to offer weight-loss surgery to its employees after a review suggested the move could save money in the long run. County commissioners may decide today whether to pay for up to 15 bariatric surgeries per year during a five-year trial. The surgeries, which involve reducing the size of the stomach or rerouting the intestines, would each cost about $15,000 to $25,000, the county said. "Unfortunately, the program is obviously very needed," County Judge Sam Biscoe said. "We do have more than our fair share of employees who qualify."

To qualify, county employees would have to be diagnosed with morbid obesity and go through one year of monitored unsuccessful dieting and exercise. The county estimates that 300 to 400 of its 4,100 employees would be eligible for the surgery.

Where's my motherfuckin Double QP with Cheese? Make it fuckin bacon bitch.

Posted by grimace at 10:29 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 03, 2006

Cartoon torture

Thumbscrews? The rack? Those are soooo Spanish Inquisition!

Toppled dictator Saddam Hussein is being tormented in jail – by being forced to watch HIMSELF in South Park.

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut was banned in Iraq on its launch in 1999 for showing Saddam as a homosexual.

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone yesterday revealed Saddam is made to watch the movie “repeatedly” by the US Marines guarding him.

Speaking at Edinburgh TV Festival, Matt said: “I have it on pretty good information from the Marines on detail in Iraq that they showed him the movie."

Of course, things could always be worse. At least they're not making Saddam watch X-Men 3.

Tom Cruise, behold your fate!

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