September 08, 2008

Jokes of My Fathers : The Meter Maid

Last Friday, I went to downtown Memphis to attend a barbeque lunch just off Riverside Drive and when I came out on the sidewalk, there was this Meter Maid type MPD cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to her, 'Come on, how about giving a retired person a break'?

She ignored me and continued writing the ticket. Her insensitivity annoyed me, so I called her a 'Nazi.'

She glared at me and then wrote out another ticket 'because the car has worn tires.'

So I proceeded to call her a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' Knowing I could get away with this because how Memphis trains its cops to say yes sir and no sir to all and to be super polite under stress.

She finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield under the wiper blade with the first.

Then she wrote a third ticket when I called her a moron in blue.

This went on for about 10 minutes. The more I talked back to her the more tickets she wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, (because gas is so darn expensive) and the car that she was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'W04.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

No, this wasn't my father. He's not retired and he hates Memphis. Mostly for the same reason I love it... smoking in the airport. Good times.

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August 01, 2008

Jokes of My Father's : Putting the funny in funeral

Received today from my father...

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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March 06, 2008

Jokes of My Father's : Running for Congress

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself, "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy", the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"

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December 10, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : Not Safe For Work

The email he just sent had the subject line Merry Christmas and in the body it said "Ho, Ho and More Ho". I'm posting the image in the email for the straight boys and lesbians who read the blog. God knows it doesn't do a thing for me, but I'm sure y'all will enjoy it. AGAIN, this is not safe for work...

breast wishes.jpg

My father continues to prove that denial is not just a river in Egypt.

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October 12, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : Assualting Religion

Yeah, this one made me laugh...

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.' The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?' 'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!' 'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.' The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?' 'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.' 'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time?'

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September 21, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : Three in a day...none political

Frankly, I'm stunned... three jokes in a day from my dad. All of them at least moderately amusing and none of them political...

I rear ended a car this morning... The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said... "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. ."
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director

to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with

no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a

cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be

the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I

became lost; and did not stop for directions. I finally

arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew,

who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and

stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the

vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I

would not hold them up for long, but this was the

proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still

eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise!

the Lord," and "Glory!" I preached, and I preached,

like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the

way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked

to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my

coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,

"I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've

been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years!"

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August 31, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : The Political Edition

Like most upper middle class baby-boomers, my father loves his email forwards. PinkDome posted a link to a site called My Right-Wing Dad, a blog featuring nothing but retarded emails from overfed and underinformed boomer dads around the country.

I wonder if they, like my dad, are just trying to piss off their offspring? See, Barfly let me in on his schtick after one particularly bad email I spent more than an hour refuting point-by-point. I felt like an idiot for days. Now, I mostly laugh at his forwards. And of course, I post them here. Let the cavalcade of fun begin!

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose You must be a bunny rabbit!" The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a Democrat.

Sometimes it's just too easy... with the change of one word, this became one of the most offensive emails I've ever sent to my retardican friends.

Oh, and my dad.

(Please note, I will be in Dallas this weekend. I leave you to the tender mercies of Mayor McSleaze...)

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August 21, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : He's still on that shitty list

My dad has somehow made it on a stupid ass political joke list. It's the one where he's sent 'great' jokes about Hillary, Ted Kennedy and Osama (stop me if you've heard this one before... they're on a boat...). I think every middle aged white guy in East Texas is on this list. The jokes are lame and most of the time I make the effort to let my dad know that while I applaud his efforts to make me laugh/piss me off, it would be better if the emails were actually funny/incendiary. They're mostly pretty lame, kinda like Bob Dole.

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack and his family drove

wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R.

Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks

with shock! "We've never had a Democrat in the family!"

I copied it back to him with DEMOCRAT changed to REPUBLICAN. Feel free to do that as well. I'm sure you have a father or mother who would LOVE this. Because it's riotously funny and all.

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August 14, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : From his other list...

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Few things are as special as a nasty joke shared between father and son.

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Jokes of My Father's : From his other list...

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Few things are as special as a nasty joke shared between father and son.

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August 01, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : Sometimes they're gross

The caption to this picture said "You want me to do WHAT?!?!" and asked you to focus on the look on the dog's face...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Ewe. Dad's can be hella gross at times.

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June 03, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : Sometimes a picture says it all

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

The email my father forwarded has some lame pseudo Mastercard commercial attached to it. I leave that part off because honestly, it's really unnecessary. The picture is, itself, pret-a-porter comedy.

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April 19, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : Sometimes they're funny...

This one actually made me laugh... it's got that special bit of crazy that I totally dig...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad new is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I'm sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home???

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April 09, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : Religion is sooo a joking matter

Ah, Easter. A time to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ with family, candy and, in the case of my father, a series of increasingly horrendous jokes involving religion. This one popped out of mi padre's mouth Friday evening just after dinner was over...

There are three fundamental religious truths. Jews do not consider Jesus Christ the Messiah, Protestants refuse to acknowledge the Pope as the leader of the Christian Church and Baptists become invisible to each other in a liquor store.

Happy postEaster Everyone! We survived another year. Anyone have Reese's peanut butter eggs they want to trade for some crappy Twix?

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March 14, 2007

Jokes of My Father's : Another one that's actually kinda funny

Why Men are Rarely Published in Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

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February 27, 2007

Jokes of My Father's

My Father is all the time sending me jokes he thinks are hysterical. Sometimes they actually are a little funny and may help explain why I am the way I am (my Father thought this joke was H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S)

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

Normally, I hate fishing jokes. Truth be told, I usually hate any joke my Dad finds funny, because usually it's not funny and I'm loaded 3/4 of the time. If it ain't funny when you're drunk, it ain't funny. This one actually made me laugh a bit.

Yeah, I'm not drinking during the day anymore.

ANYWAY, I'm sure the next installment of DadJokes will come soon when my Father decides to forward another joke about fags that he got from one of his huntin' buddies. Can't wait!

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