August 14, 2009

NEW FEATURE : This Week In Lawyerin'

I was told there would be no bullshit in this profession, but I now suspect that may have been a lie.

Like this morning. There I was, deep in summer staycation slumber, when the phone rings. I was so startled I even answered it!

It was McBlogger, and boy was he pissed. I was still groggy so I'm not sure what all the ranting was about, but I remember something about not pulling my weight, blablabla, plenty of other profane, leftward, Maker's-swilling bloggers with law licenses who would kill for my position, yaddayadda. Post something "rightgoddamnnow" is I believe how he put it before abruptly hanging up.

Well, from that little bout of morning unpleasantness, a new feature is born: This Week In Lawyerin'. Every...week?...uh, or so...I'll post a report on law stuff. You know, cases in the news, ancient legal doctrines with dirty-sounding Latin names, no big whoop.

This week's topic for This Week In Lawyerin' comes from Florida. Or as I've referred to it since November 2000, Flori-Duh. It seems there's this guy. And he has a cat. We all know how cats are the minions of Satan and do his bidding as demonic agents here on earth, right? Well this cat must be an arch-demon, because he framed his owner for a quite heinous crime.

Yeah, this guy was just minding his own business, downloading some Bjork for the iPod, when he has to leave the room for a second. and when he comes back, there were "strange things" on the computer. No, not Bjork - REALLY strange things. Criminally strange things. And the cat's apparently just sitting there with one paw still on the computer, sporting a creepy grin and one raging, furry kittyboner (I will resist the temptation here to pursue a more metaphysical tangent on the subject of reincarnation and Michael Jackson).

What's really disturbing about this story is that the cops don't believe this poor man! They're too focused on the kiddie porn to recognize the real issue is kitty porn. If I were this man's lawyer, the first thing I'd do in voir dire is coax out every last story from the panel about the evil, rotten things they have witnessed cats do. Poison the jury panel right out of the box so that everyone is ready to lynch a cat if they weren't already. Get that jury to thinking about all the times cats have suffocated their babies, or stolen their identity and maxed out their credit cards, or seduced their spouses (remember, this IS Florida we're talking about).

After that, I'd object a bunch. I'd tell the jury in opening statement that this is about a game of cat and mouse...but NOT the kind of mouse they might think. I'd also argue motive, because clearly anyone who would side with the prosecution here must be in a love triangle with the cat and in on the setup. But I'd save my big gun for the very last sentence of closing argument, when I'd stare the jury in the eyes and exclaim, "IF HIS CAT'S A PERV, HE MUST NOT SERVE!!"

Posted by hbalczak at August 14, 2009 02:13 PM

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