July 19, 2009

If You Love It, Set It Free...

if it comes back, yadda yadda. Yeah, so I only posted about 3 times before I pussied out, but I'm back. Get ready to be entertained.

So here's the dealio. I have six dogs. (Yeah, I know.) They are not show dogs or champion dogs or handbag accessory dogs or dogs that I breed for fun and profit. They are cast off, thrown away, dumped-on-the-side-of-the-road retard dogs. But I love 'em and as a result of this doggie love, I let them all sleep in the bedroom with me and Krispy Dude on their little Costco doggie beds, surrounding my bed. It's a fricking minefield and I DO NOT get up to pee in the middle of the night because someone will get a foot in the head or worse.

The dog who sleeps next to my side of the bed, at the head of the bed, sits at the top of Mount Retard. There is something seriously wrong with this dog, but she is a badass Doberman, so she gets points for that.

Several nights ago, Badass Doberman woke me up at around 4:00 a.m., scratching and clawing and rummaging her snoot around in the middle of her doggie bed like the fricking thing was full of bees or something. Not wanting to wake Krispy Dude, I grabbed my little book light and started shining it on Badass Doberman's bed to see what the hell...

Turns out, Badass had a tiny case of the farts and accidentally let loose a little dry turd that was parked in the middle of her bed. While I'm watching her with my little book light (imagine that scene), she's using her nose to try to roll that turd up out of the middle of her bed and off it so she doesn't have to sleep in her own crap. When the nose thing fails, she picks up Mr. Turd in her mouth, but even a retard recognizes shit and she promptly spits that baby right back from whence it came. So, then the nose thing starts again. The turd gets rolled almost to the edge of her bed, then Badass loses it and it rolls back to the middle again. Then we do the mouth thing followed quickly by the "Yikes! That's shit!" thing, then the sisyphean nose thing--over and over again.

How long this lasts I have no idea, but I'm laughing my ass off at poor old Badass until I finally get sleepy and take pity on her. I picked up doody ball with a wad of bedside Kleenex and flushed it. Yes, I did have to brave the minefield of sleeping dogs, but what the hell else was I gonna do with that little raggedy ass turd that had been rolled so much it was smooth as a marble?

Posted by Krispy_Kreme at July 19, 2009 01:04 AM

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