July 07, 2008

GREAT Condo Ideas (now with even more alliteration)

So by now I guess we've all had a chance to drive by Barton Springs Road and survey the utter devastation wrought by the Condo Crowd on a whole grove of oak trees. Grand, old oak trees, folks. We're talking trees so old that some of them bear marks where a youngish John McCain might have once carved himself out a pair of underwear.

I kid, of course (Duh! There warn't no underwear to be worn in his day! And that's the way it was and he LIKED it!) But seriously folks, even if you haven't observed the Botanical Bosnia on Barton Springs Road, you've still probably noticed that there seems to be a compulsion these days in some circles to build condos EVERYGAWDAMWHERE within a five mile radius of downtown.

As the Annihilation Abutting AustinJava and other akin architectural atrocities so audaciously amplify, a vast supply of urban condominiums in the $300K-and-up range is now Austin's paramount civic value. What does that portend for our fair Waterloo's future? Here are my guesses:

  • Condo Springs (screw the salamander - do you KNOW what you could get a square foot if you drained that sucker? Use the on-site sedimentary rocks for travertine flooring and your profit margin on this bitch goes up even higher.)

  • Deep Condo (not the bar, the swimming pool...but the bar will be convenient for the neighboring condo dwellers)

  • Condo Lake ("Lady Bird Lake" always sounded silly anyway and floating condos would be AWESOME!)

  • Urban Condo Colony (what if you ran off all those flying rodents and built a whole mess of upside down condos under the bridge? That would be cool.)

  • Mount Condo (Bet you can't find one person who even knows who this Bonnell character was anyway)

  • Condo-two-Condo-two (Scenic road, schmenic road. I say cut the number of lanes in half and build some more condos on the leftover space!)

  • Treaty Condo (AMLI finishes what that one crazy guy with the tree poison started back in '89)

  • The Condo of Texas Tower (every time a new condo building is built, it turns orange)

  • Rotunda Studios/Texas Capitominiums (What? You wanna keep it the way it is? Have you SEEN the pile of feculent legislation in that place?!?!?! The whole joint's just "tippin' for a flippin'," as we say in the condo biz, uh-ha-ha-ha *wink-n-point*)

  • Condo-By-Condo-West (International festival attracting condo developers and potential buyers from all over the world; over 8,000 condo sales presentations made in a week's time here in the Live Condo Capitol of the World)

  • and of course, the Crown Jewel of Austin's condofication...

  • Stevie Ray Vaughn-dos at Auditorium Shores...88 stories of condos in a gargantuous structure replicating the original, displaced statue. ("oh yes, we just moved in and we love it...where in the building are we? kind of up by where his shoulder is, pretty close to the neck of his guitar...some friends of ours bought a corner unit in the hat and the view up there is just breathtaking!")
  • Posted by hbalczak at July 7, 2008 09:05 AM

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