May 23, 2008

The Republicans beg for money

I'm on the RPT's email list (YAY ME!) and just got this today. It's inline with their other emails, which Coby over at BAH has been tracking (here and here). Today's missive is from TinaFish herself, Empress of all the Republicans. I decided to translate from Republicanese to English but if you want to see the raw text, it's in the supersize.

PhotobucketDear Sucker,

You love you some Barack Obama, but we're still going to stick to the lame talking point that he insulted everyone in Texas when he told a group of San Francisco donors...

“People in small towns cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

We know, we're pulling things way the hell out of context, but there are still like 20 of you out there who will send us a few bucks every time we mail this shit out. Y'all are like little human ATM's and we love you for it. Especially because we're broke and could really use the money. As offensive as our pandering is, the mainstream media is totally passing it up and focusing on dumb shit Obama said. Kinda like us.

Michelle Obama’s out of context comments from earlier this year are still making headlines mostly because we keep screaming that they were 'un-American'. You know what else is un-American? Making us eat at motherfucking Taco Bell which is all we can afford right now.

“For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country, because it feels like hope is making a comeback.”

Yeah, we know we're stretching this like Linda Harper-Brown trying to wedge into a girdle, but damn! We gotta do something! Sure, we're embarrassed by her honesty (and even know how she feels ... we have been, after all, the ones dismissing 'hope' for almost 30 years and focusing on pandering and hatred), but Obama’s campaign kept explaining how we and the media were taking this out of context (which we really are all the time doing). AND YOU KEEP LISTENING TO HIM! DON'T YOU REALIZE HE'S BLACK?!?!?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!

And we’ve all heard the sickening comments of Obama’s minister, Reverend Jeremiah Wright (it's a strategy we call Fun With Partial Quotes). We know you've heard them because we've been like a goddamn broken record with that shit. Once again, we're hoping it'll shake the money tree so we can make rent this month. At first Obama dismissed Rev. Wright’s comments. That's when we smelled blood in the water. Then the Democrats did the unthinkable... they brought up McCain's support from that psycho Hagee. AND YOU LISTENED TO THEM? What do we have to do? Fake a terrorist incident to get you people to pay attention to us?!?!?!

Sucker, I refuse to sit back and watch you keep your money. I NEED a lot of it and frankly, it'll help me more than it will you. We keep trying to make you understand that Barack Obama and his allies are trying to tear down everything we hold so dear. You just refuse to believe us. That makes us mad. Especially because if you keep your money we'll be poor. And we CAN'T have that.

If you agree, then I urge you to make a special emergency contribution of $25, $50, $100 or more to our Republican Party of Texas today. Seriously, I had to eat chili out of a can today and it was hella gross. This is really an emergency.

www.texasgop.org/donate

Not only are you and I in a battle for control of the White House (with us on one side and the rest of the country on the other), the United States Senate and the House of Representatives…

We’re in a battle for the survival of that conservative bullshit you've been buying from us for 30 years, too. Don't make us retool our message and strategy... we REALLY don't want to. That takes work and we're nothing if not lazy.

Here in Texas we don’t “cling” to anything (except your money), but we are guided by faith (in your stupidity) and believe deeply in the time-honored values (like taking your donations) that have made this nation the greatest on the face of the Earth. Well, it was before we took over and let our friends come and rape everything. Thank you all so much for voting for Perry in 2006. Now we can give back to the Spanish some of what we took from them. Viva La Reconquista!

But the Democrats clearly have quite a different view of the world than you or I. They keep fighting diligently for your rights and freedoms, not to mention your economic security. And unless you give us money now, they're likely to win overwhelmingly in November. And then we'll have to find real jobs and our skills are kinda the suck.

Through literature drops, and calls and targeted mailings to undecided voters, your special emergency gift of money will help us expose just how nasty and stupid we can be. It'll also help pay our tab at Ruth's Chris.

And if you can help now, we’ll have the funds for that awesome vacay we've been planning to Bali. It'll also, if there's any left over, contrast our so-called conservative values with the strong, all-American ideals of the Obama Democrats.

www.texasgop.org/donate

Together, we’ll stop the Obama Democrats from disrupting our stranglehold on power and corruption. With your money, we'll also be able to pay off the bills the Speaker ran up redecorating his apartment. And pay off our Amex.

Sincerely,

Thanks and God Bless,
TinaFish, State Chairman

P.S. I’m sure you’re shocked and appalled by how craven we are. We know you're impressed by the ideas being put forth by Barack Obama and his campaign. I am, too. But really, we have do something about it as we can't allow you people to think for yourselves. Will you help me protect my privileged position by making a special gift to the Republican Party of Texas?


Dear Friend,

Support our conservative ideals - Support RPT Today!

Barack Obama insulted everyone in Texas when he told a group of left-wing San Francisco donors...

“People in small towns cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

As offensive as that shocking statement is, the mainstream media dismissed Obama’s ideas because they share his views.

Michelle Obama’s anti-American comments from earlier this year are still making headlines.

“For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country, because it feels like hope is making a comeback.”

Embarrassed by her candor, Obama’s campaign tried to divert attention by saying that her remarks were taken out of context.

And we’ve all heard the sickening comments of Obama’s minister, Reverend Jeremiah Wright. At first Obama dismissed Rev. Wright’s comments. But only recently, bowing to political pressure, has he criticized them.

Friend, I refuse to sit back and watch the unchallenged agenda and words of Barack Obama and his allies tear down everything we hold so dear.

If you agree, then I urge you to make a special emergency contribution of $25, $50, $100 or more to our Republican Party of Texas today.

www.texasgop.org/donate

Not only are you and I in a battle for control of the White House, the United States Senate and the House of Representatives…

We’re in a battle for the survival of our common-sense conservative ideals, too.

Here in Texas we don’t “cling” to anything, but we are guided by faith and believe deeply in the time-honored values that have made this nation the greatest on the face of the Earth.

But the Democrats clearly have quite a different view of the world than you or I. And unless you want to see them seize total control of our federal government, Texas Republicans must step up to the plate like never before.

Through literature drops, and calls and targeted mailings to undecided voters, your special emergency gift of will help us expose the liberal Obama agenda for all Texans to see.

And if you can help now, we’ll have the funds for media opportunities that contrast our timeless conservative values with the radical, anti-American bias of the Obama Democrats.

www.texasgop.org/donate

Together, we’ll stop the Obama Democrats from ruining everything that has made Texas and America great.

Sincerely,

Thanks and God Bless,
Tina J. Benkiser
Tina J. Benkiser, State Chairman

P.S. I’m sure you’re shocked and appalled by some of the ideas being put forth by Barack Obama and his campaign. I am, too. Let’s do something about it. Will you help me protect our conservative cause and make a special gift to the Republican Party of Texas?


Posted by mcblogger at May 23, 2008 02:58 PM

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Comments

It's really quite simple


I want Bush to stay in Washington,

because I don't want to live in the same state with

him. Things could be worse; I could be Justice

Scalia answering why I picked Bush on Sixty Minutes.

Posted by: TexasGomer [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 26, 2008 11:19 PM

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