April 12, 2008

Sing a song about the heartland...

Sometimes, on clear sunny mid-spring afternoons, I get a tune stuck in my head and can't get it out. When that tune sucks really hard, in a profoundly trite and soulless kind of way, I know I've stumbled upon a New Country Hit. Well, today it happened again. It's irritating as shit to have a bunch of mullet-capped racket running a feedback loop through one's brain, but why not turn these lemons into some Country Time Lemonade?*

So here's the deal. We'll turn this random and regrettable mental turd into a lucrative business opportunity. We've already got the tune but we still need some lyrics for our Grand Ole Opry gem. Of course, they've got to be commercially viable lyrics if we're going to be able to sell this thing to Nashville. That means they need to be about the superiority of living in an area predominately populated by livestock, tractors and meth labs. Or a sentimental recounting of some pious yet pithy platitude you learned from your PeePaw. Or mindless adherence to "Red State" political orthodoxy.

It just so happens that in the time I've sat here in my office chair typing, I think I may have come up with a chorus that fits into that last category. Send in your suggestions for the verses' lyrics and we'll see if we can't sell it to Nashville. Proceeds will go to the McBlogger staff hospitality fund (direct donations may also be sent c/o Mother Egan's). Here's what we've got so far:

It's called the Patriot Act, so let's act Patriotic
Wave the flag and vote like you're robotic
That dang Saddam Hussein can't commandeer our planes again
(insert krappy kountry guitar lick here as bridge to second part of chorus)
Let's nuke Iran 'til they're back to sticks and rocks
Stay informed with Hume and Hannity on FOX
Support our troops and put a ribbon magnet on your new dualie
(brief fiddle interlude, also crappy, then onto next stanza)

*How many times while driving through rural America do you see small-town restaurants and gift shops, inevitably with "country" in their name, try and get cute by misspelling 'country' with a "k"? Just once I'd like to see somebody sport some faux-illiterate "country" signage that gets the 'C' right but mistakenly omits the 'O' and goes straight to the 'U'. Betcha one of them there Stuckey's pecan rolls it'll never ever happen.

Posted by hbalczak at April 12, 2008 11:21 AM

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