October 13, 2007

Nightmare Factory

While well-adjusted people have disturbing dreams about falling, being nude in public, or exes, I, on the other hand, have nightmares about the U.S. Supreme Court.

A junior high lunch cafeteria was the setting. Everything, including the lunch lady, was covered in corporate logos, much like you would find at a NASCAR race. Sitting at a table in the far right corner wearing “Hello I’m ____” tags were Scalia, Roberts, Alito, and Thomas. Thomas’ tag said “Stupid”, Scalia’s “I’m with stupid”, Robert’s and Alito’s “Slimy” and “Sleazy”. I don’t remember which was which. They had Kennedy – “Confused”- cornered and questioning his manhood.

“Cool guys don’t hang out with tree-huggers,” said Scalia.

“Yeah, “said Thomas, who was sitting on Scalia’s lap like a ventriloquist’s dummy. He had pubic hair glued to his lip.

Occasionally, Ruthie, a little girl with thick glasses and an attitude walked by the table and threatened to kick them in the balls. Apparently, she had done this before because every time she came close, they would cover their crotch.

Then I was transported to a Wal-Mart parking lot. Clergy were selling dispensations to people who wanted to be forgiven for shopping at other stores. There was a carnival atmosphere with Justices Breyer and Souter inside dunking booths.

After blinking, I found myself in a mega-church. All the men were wearing gray-flannel suits and the women were members of the state Eagle Forum contact list. On the altar were posters with slogans - “Debt is Prosperity” and “Consumerism is Salvation”. At the lectern, John Hagee was preaching from the Book of Hedge Funds. (For those that might have forgotten, the book was found in the secret archives of Aleister Crowley who had swindled it from an antique dealer in Cairo. The dealer had discovered the writings in a partially collapsed Jerusalem catacomb that sits under land now owned by Bibi Netanyahu)

I turned around and found myself in the chambers of the court. With the strains of Pizzetti filling the air, the Heritage Foundation and the Cato Institute had set up information booths in the aisles. Lawyers from the Carlyle Group were arguing the case that since corporations were now considered to have the same rights as individuals, that affirmative action should be afforded them. Strangely, only the conservative justices were sitting. For an instance, I saw Justice Stevens in a holding cell guarded by “security specialists”.

What finally woke me up was the unfurling of the American flag covered with skulls, presented by John Cornyn.

Shitake mushrooms have that effect on me.

Nah, I made up the Cornyn thing

Posted by Captain Kroc at October 13, 2007 10:29 PM

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