September 01, 2006
Babysitters : A guide for parents
Here at McBlogger we're all about helping our fellow man. At least we are NOW since that court mandated we start issuing a series of PSA's as part of what the judiciary calls 'community service'. Or something. So, here's the first in what we're sure will be an unfortunate chain of posts basically about crap you should really already know. This time around we're covering babysitters, specifically the babysitters you, as a parent, should NOT hire to watch your repulsive children.
Dick 'kinky' Friedman - Do you want your kids to hate you? I mean come on, this guy's nothing but booze and cigars (unlike myself who's nothing more than booze and cigarETTES). Well, that and some really bad writing and quips. First he grosses out your kids trying to make them eat a pickled pigs foot or something that's as gross as himself. Then, he forces their eyes roll from bad one liners (the ones that would make Henny Youngman retch) so many times that there is actually damage to the optic nerve. Finally, he'll make them contemplate self immolation by READING AT LEAST ONE OF HIS BOOKS. You don't want your kids thinking about suicide... therapists are NOT cheap.
Dingos - Superbad idea, Mom and Dad. They ate Meryl Streep's baby in that movie, A Cry in the Dark. Or something. Anyway, these wild Australian dogs aren't like Lassie or even Ole Yeller before the hydrophoby. Please don't entrust your kids to them. It's just not their thing. Dogfights on the other hand are a different story.
Buffalo Bill - If your child is heavyset then definitely a bad idea. May kill and remove large pieces of skin to complete Buttrick pattern 8811 (it's the cutest sundress you've ever seen, though it is kinda creepy that it's made outta human skin). Plus, you never know when Jodie Foster and her FBI buds are going to show up, shooting guns indiscriminately and possibly hitting your precious tykes. Not to mention adorable little Precious.
Team McBlogger - Oh, come on. Would you seriously think about hiring one of us to watch your beloved progeny? From Sister Ruth to Grimace, we're seriously not the people with whom you'd want to leave your kids. McSleaze would probably put them to work improving his yard. Or making shoes in his sweatshop. Sister Ruth would take them to a bar and educate them about all things gin, followed by a course on scotch from Barfly. As for me, I did mention I set myself on fire, right? Then there is Harry who would probably show them how to sue you for emancipation. Gen, as a mother, would probably be a good person to let watch the kids. Hell, even Spamburgler would be OK when he's not hopped up on sugar. But the rest of us? Oh. God. No.
Attorney General Greg Abbott. Seriously, do you want your kids lost along with some ages old evidence that Attorney General Greg Abbott shouldn't have in the first place? Oh yeah, Mom and Dad. Attorney General Greg Abbott will put the kids to sleep alright... probably under a mountain of X-rays. Don't even think of then suing Attorney General Greg Abbott as his efforts to further 'tort reform' (which is republicanese for 'screwing the consumer') specifically exempted Attorney General Greg Abbott from being sued.
Todd Staples and his giant freak head. Oh, you may think Todd's nice and all but just wait until the kids get a load of the giant freak head. Yeah, we know it makes you uneasy but you have to realize it's not about you. The giant freak head is terrifying to children. And he probably won't even let them watch TV because he's, you know, a weirdo. Just take a long look at this picture. Do you really want to trust your legacy to a mouthbreather?
There are good and bad babysitters out there and it's important to actually check people out before you hire them. While you may have problems with Suzy The Teenage Slut sitting for your kids, you'll have more a problem with any of the people(and the animal) we've presented here.
Posted by mcblogger at September 1, 2006 02:01 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.mcblogger.com/movabletype/mt-tb.cgi/688
Comments
Damn it! No Perry. No dildos.
Teaser.
Posted by: muse at September 1, 2006 08:44 PM
sorry... I couldn't think of a tasteful way to work that in.
Posted by: mcblogger at September 2, 2006 01:10 PM
You are all of a sudden worried about taste? :)
Posted by: muse at September 3, 2006 11:33 PM
ionolsen40 Very good site. Thanks for author!
Posted by: volosok at November 6, 2006 11:36 AM
Post a comment
Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)
(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)
