McBlogger: low-calorie but still full-flavor: Trash TV : The Real Housewives of the OC

« Bush Interview Alert : Tomorrow! | Main | Not so much with pork, Lardos! »

May 04, 2006

Trash TV : The Real Housewives of the OC

McBlogger has informed me that he wants a pop culture person to write in. I don't think he knows anyone who watches more shitty TV than me, so...I WIN! Please direct all complaints/requests to mcblogger@mcblogger.com.

I haven't been watching as much trash TV lately, but I was able to view a true spectacle of poop. You might think that I am going to write about 'Blow Out', that cretinous pool of bile glorifying Jonathan Antin. However, I'm not. I am quite the bitch, but I'm not cruel. That is too fucking easy. It would be like kicking a puppy.

I am speaking of 'The Real Housewives of OC'. I was naturally curious because much to my brother's chagrin, I'm a fan of the Fox show 'The. O.C.'. (Seth and Summer! Awwwwww!) TANGENT: Miscah Barton. Eat something baby! Peter Gallagher... WAX.THOSE.EYEBROWS.

I do not know where to begin with my wrap up. The reunion special is next week so this may be premature. I am not a patient person, so here are my thoughts. I will go by each housewife, in order of least favorite to favorite.

1. Jeana.
It is not her fault that she is so fucking boring. She is just one of those people. You know the type. No matter how sweet, generous, cute someone is, they just aren't any fun to be around. My mother used to say they were brown birds. Jeana is a brown fucking bird! Her mouth breathing children are even worse. Especially her son. My heart breaks for the dumb blonde that wakes up with a hangover next to him! What a prize! Anyway, she is a Realtor. She married a baseball player. The most interesting fact about this Clydesdale is that she was a Playboy centerfold. Go figure.

2. Kim.
Kimberly is the living definition of annoying. She and her husband are kinda cute and all, but shit ENOUGH WITH THE CUTE. She was also sick. That was a downer. I don't like downers in my trash TV. She seemed to have a underbelly of backstabbing gossip in the finale. I wish the production crew had played more to that.

3. Vicki.
I've seen nagging moms before, but this slag is THA QUEEN. It's as though if she isn't speaking she'll die. She IS a hard worker though. She sells insurance. She employs Lauri and is jealous of her looks. That is understandable. My favorite Vicki moment was in episode four, when they went to their second home. She wondered whether or not she was a MILF.

My hand went up! I have the answer! Call on me! Please!

She then proceeded to flirt with her son's friends who looked back with a mix of fear and bewilderment. To say Vicki is delusional is being gracious.

4. Lauri.
She is gorgeous. I will give her that. From what I gather, she married an asshole with money. Now, after the divorce, she has three kids and a new job selling insurance with Vicki. You might wonder what she has done to deserve such a fate? Be a twit! She eventually came to the conclusion that she makes bad decisions. You think? Her son is a juvenile deliquent and she cares very deeply for him. Don't worry little fella, your mom will be there to pick you up..... right after she gets that last Botox shot. I kid! I kid! No, really, she shipped him off to live with his grandparents. Lauri sucks ass.

5. Jo.
My favorite! Why, you ask? She is a tangle of contradictions and that makes for great trash TV. Jo's biggest problem is that growth of a fiance. Slade is priceless! A self-made man that likes to ride bikes, sell title insurance, and be horribly pretentious. He lives next door to Vicki in Delusionville. He has two sons from two previous relatioships. At 36, he would like a firm, young woman to do his bidding. Jo wants to work. The episode with her getting a job was classic! He actually fought her on it. He wants her to be a stay at home mom. She wants to PARTAY! Of course the relationship is filled with drama. The finale was the best. They broke up in episode six. I thought to myself 'Way to go, Jo!' She told Slade to pack her things and she would pick them up. True to form, Slade lumps her clothes into old boxes like the childish little prick that he is. The cherry on this shit sundae came when he took the license plate off her car. As she took off down the road he suffered remorse and tried to follow her. Returning home, he called her several times on her cell. Just when I thought that Jo was fortunate enough to escape the gloomy fate that is Slade, she fucking walked through the damn door! Apologizing no less! WTF?

Oh, by the way, I so knew that Lauri liked Slade. I had that fucking called! But I guess my talent derives from nights spent watching this wretched crap. Go figure.